A letter from Oct 28, 2023

Dear Snigdha, I'm not sure where to start. I'm writing this today because I need an outlet. It's 5am and I can't sleep, and I thought maybe writing my mind would help and when I read this in a few years I can look back and smile knowing things are much better. This year has been tough, I believe this is the most we've struggled internally in this lifetime. I hope when I read this in the future, I'm doing much better. So much has happened. It's the last year of undergrad. I have no idea what I am going to do after this. I hope we figure it out and I hope you're happy and successful, doing something that makes you happy, somewhere that makes you happy. I'm glad I started therapy this year. After Prakhar left, a part of me collapsed, I think. I didn't expect myself to react the way I did. It was so subtle, it creeped up on me. I miss him so much. I hope in 3 years, we're still friends. I don't want to lose him, he's literally the best person we know, and I hope that hasn't changed. I don't know what I want from my friendship with him, but I know that I don't want to lose him. He's on my mind 24*7. I think I love him; you'd think I'd be certain about that after knowing him for 4 years but no. It's so scary to think about because I think he's in the same position and feeling the same things as me but it's so hard to think about when he's all the way in USA and I'm here in India. Last night we spoke on video call for like 3 hours. I never wanted to hang up even once. I feel so happy in his presence. I can still hear him laugh in my head, and I keep thinking about his smile. I hope one day we turn into something real; he feels secure, I feel love when I think of him, a smile creeps up every single time I think of him, he's smart, he's my safe space. He sent me a song last week - Tu Hai Kaha by AUR. He said it reminds him of me, it's exactly what he feels for me and if that's true then I can't be delusional to feel the way I do for him. Even as I am writing this, I'm like why am I still writing about him because there's so much, I want to say to you. But my point is, when he left, it triggered something in me. He was that constant person in my life, and now that he's just not here anymore, it feels ******* empty. I can't seem to move on. I just want to talk to him all the ******* time. I'm somewhat with Daksh right now and I don't think that will last as long as Prakhar is on my mind as much as he is every single ******* day. College has been weird. I feel like I've lost most of my friends, I've kind of isolated myself which can't be good. I don't know if pavani, amandeep, ashna, shaina, manan, vedant, etc, will still be in our life 3 years from now but I don't feel too good about how things are right now. I'm looking back at photos from this last month and honestly this entire year and I don't feel any joy. It doesn't feel like any of this stuff has happened. I miss my friends; I miss life like it was. I know I'm to blame for isolating myself, but I never intended that to happen, it just happened. Even my friends have stopped putting in the effort. I don't know if I can open up to them about how I'm struggling, I don't particularly want everyone to know but if they don't know, they won't understand, and I guess that's okay. I wish there was some magical way they could just understand. I feel so ******* lonely, my days are all the same, I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to. I hope you've figured it out. I hope you're happier than I am. I hope things are better at home in 3 years. Mumma is happy and **** with Papa is alright. I hope the court cases are settled. I hope Disha's doing well, and I hope you got the Europe trip you want. I hope Akshay's doing well, maybe he's married, maybe not? Maasi will be so unbearable about it if he's not. I hope she's doing well too. Naani might not be around anymore, it would be a blessing if she is, she'll be 92/93 if she is. How mad is that? Most of all, I hope when I'm reading this, it brings a smile to my face knowing how far I've come. I hope I feel like an idiot worrying about all these things. I hope you're stronger, healthier, happier. I've always got you <3 Truly you, Snigdha