A letter from Oct 24, 2023

well this is a feminist letter. duh (and me as well) was ready to end our friendship today over our views on feminism. bc he said some pretty ignorant/questionable things and told me i'm too toxic with how i "hate men". the situation ended in him typing out long paragraphs on how he sees the topic (which i'm grateful he did). so this letter is the response i'll send him, since he said he will read it. it's way too long so i'd be positively surprised if he really read this. yea this response is defo bordering on unhinged with how seriously i took this entire thing. after reading your messages, i know how harsh i've been talking. from your angle it does sound like i'm driving a divide between humans, fueled by hate. i know i tend to be a bit black-and-white thinking at times though i try not to. it's an autism trait and i'm saying this as a reason, not as an excuse. anyways i'm trying to minimize it, idk if i'm managing it. culture plays a biiiig role for sure. writing this i've just realized way more how western-centric my views are. i obvs want to broaden my understanding but rn i'm here, with just the knowledge of the culture of my country and the western world in general. soooo this whole ******* essay is focused on the west. please keep in mind that nothing i say here is about your country or culture bc i don't know ****. i'm only trying to convey my experience here. i'm gonna look at feminism from a woman's view bc yea i'm a woman and anyways i was supposed to explain my view. i'm trying my best ok . why am i so passionate about feminism? because these issues directly affect me and all women around me and in a global scape as well. because i have a high sense of justice (autism trait) and i do think that people should be treated equally and fairly and imo we might be better off completely without social gender structures. in daily life i usually don’t like gendered things, making the divide is completely unnecessary and often even negative. we could just be individuals with free gender. (that's another lengthy topic. sorry that this one is long too.) but the reality is that there are soooo many gender issues and structures that it is important to recognise the divide and differences in how society treats men and women. these things exist. a genderless or personhood first -kind of society does not exist, though i’d love it. but this means feminism is relevant and important. (just know that ultimately i’d love to be a genderless blob just as much as i like being a feminine lesbian) how do i see feminism? there's the systemic level and individual level. idk the science this is only what i personally just came up with alright. individual level: if an individual does something (negative in this case) solely because of the gender of others, or has a distorted mindset that another gender is inferior/superior. example: woman gets catcalled by a man. (from experience, it does not matter much if the woman even looks good. it's enough if the person has a feminine figure) if the catcalled woman was a man, the catcall would not happen at all. so this is harassment based on gender, right? systemic level: how systems cause worse treatment for women compared to men. the same way there could be systemic oppression on races, there are a lot of systems where women are below men or more accurately, the system does not recognise women (just like poc aren't recognised). many systems are only based on the male experience. i experience those. all women do but it's not always visible. simple example: public bathrooms. usually the bathrooms are "equal" so they have the same size floor plan, pretty much the same number of stalls. but is that fair? women need more time in the bathroom and need to go more often (biology right?). men usually need less time and they even have urinals on top of having stalls. this is why there's a long line to women's bathroom, when there often might be no line to men's. it makes no sense to divide the space for the bathrooms "equally", women's needs were never considered in this. phones are made so they fit in men’s hand (too large in women’s), safety measures such as car safety is only tested on male physique dolls, which could be the reason that statistically women are involved in car accidents way less than men yet women get injured/die more, even if the crash severity is the same. men are always the default model/base, almost nothing meant for both genders is based on women. not even based/tested on both, it’s often just men. sometimes it can put women in danger. also here’s some more larger health examples: recent anecdote: my friend, who's a woman, went to the doctor. she had (still has) ******* terrible period cramps and tried to get checked what's wrong. (bc periods aren't supposed to be that painful: really painful ones are common but they're still not normal so there is something wrong/something that could or should be treated) mind you she's taking the strongest pain meds that you can get from a doctor here before it goes to actual drugs like morphine, and that was still only easing the pain so little that she couldn't get up from the bathroom floor. she's lived with this for years. even with this, no doctor would examine her. they kept suggesting birth control and such. it took her over a year before she FINALLY pushed through one doctor's skepticism and got an examination (which shouldn't be one that's hard to get. a very basic one.). yeah they found a ******* big cyst. no wonder it hurts. during this whole thing doctors (both men and women) were belittling her so much that one appointment, she just started sobbing. now what does this have to do with feminism? it's way too common of an experience, that medical personnel doesn't take women's pain seriously. i think there's some statistics too but if you prefer real life? that's real life. women have told so many stories of this, globally and in my country. whose fault is this pattern of women not being taken seriously? i even have an article for this :D no need to read but here it is: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/nov/13/the-female-problem-male-bias-in-medical-trials there's a big gender bias in the medical field. meds are made so they work on men. do they work well on women? they haven't cared much about that. this article shows why women's pain often isn't taken seriously: women have been historically labeled as hysteric or dramatic if they are in pain. it still persists and female doctors can do this too, without realizing. bc it's "normal", it's common and inherited from the male mindset that women are crazy. here it's not a joke like "ah women, i can never understand them" but a real threat to women's health bc male doctors just labeled women as irrational beings. example: pads for period blood were only tested using blood (or similar composition) only like last year or so. that's outrageous bc before, they were only tested using WATER with a bit of saline or smth in it. and let me tell you, period blood isn't water. it's much thicker, there's big clots etc. so the mystery of all the pads that advertise themselves as super absorbent (but never are) is solved: they're really not absorbent at all bc they never bothered to test with blood! this is global. one more medicine field example: i recently learned that actually, there could be a WORKING painkiller for periods. funny enough, it's viagra that it's based on. but that painkiller was never made bc they just won't receive funding, no matter how much they've tried. bc women's period pain isn't important? not financially beneficial? half of the world's population have periods. people would buy a painkiller that actually works. that way also period-related absences from work would decrease and women's life quality improve but no, women's period pain shouldn't be researched? just, imagine for a second if men had periods. there would be muuuuch more advanced medicine and period products. in the end men tend to be in charge so why wouldn't they research their own health problems? but they won't do that bc it's women who have periods. so if i talk about men this men that, do i mean you? or your friends, uncles, men in your neighborhood? are you the ones distributing funding? no. but the cause for lack of period (and women's health) research is not women. it's the men in power. sidenote: i'm autistic (bet u didn’t know!) and so i happen to have this trait called pattern recognition: i'm more sensitive to recognising patterns in many things. feminist issues often have patterns (not necessarily subtle so like many other people can see them too), which could lead to me being more aggressive thinking like "wdym you don't see this too?". also differing opinions are sometimes hard to understand, also due to this trait. plus occasional black-and-white thinking. just so u know i wasn't raised to pay attention to gender issues, not at all. my family never said anything about women being non-equal or such. or about men being superior, no. the way i see it: i've learned just from my experience and others' experiences. this is my culture: every time we had guests over, it was always mom in the kitchen. it was always the female guests that went to help in the kitchen while men sit in the living room and talk. is it like this in your country too? this type of gender norms irk me: especially in this modern age there is no reason for these types of gender norms. no one questions them much, except people who care about feminism or gender in general. there should be a choice, an agreement who will do the work, not an assumption that women will do it. this applies to all housework. always depends on the family ofc how they distribute tasks but this misogynistic assumption is way too common. it kind of happened in my family too. global things: catcalling again. most women have experienced it. that's always done by men to women (or have you heard of women yelling nasty remarks to men on the street? i haven't, not really). it's unwanted and nasty. ****** harassment and all that stuff. the thing is i can't really avoid these things as a woman, you know? no woman or girl can, especially if you want to live freely, not putting effort into avoiding places etc. catcalling is soooo common. the fact that you don't feel the need to have a rigid opinion (i agree with you that it's not always needed or even good to have a set opinion. i don't like being forced to do that either. but sometimes, it kind of is good to have a stance. you tell me if this is a topic like that to you, but to me it is.) it tells me this: these issues don't touch you personally. well, you are a man. you really don't need to. but half of the world is women and i am so you see why i am serious about this topic? see why i find it hard to understand a "neutral" stance, let alone opposing feminism? every woman ********, beaten by their husbands. raped. harassed. when the first reason for those crimes is the fact that they are girls or women, it's misogyny and a feminist issue. women not believed when they say they're sick: feminism is a matter of life and *****, sometimes. that side doesn't touch me personally but it touches a lot of others. for example the young girls in some african tribes, who are forced to have female genital mutilation? i’m in solidarity with all of them. it's not young boys that get mutilated; it's little girls. i'm very glad boys don't have to go through the same thing. but why do girls need to suffer horrible violence because they’re girls? in this case the answer is male ****** pleasure. the girls are sewn together so *** is incredibly painful for the girl and more pleasurable for the man. you bet that sick 'tradition' wasn't invented by a woman. it hurts like ******* hell and is dangerous. so there's a lot of patterns and repetitive things that just come back to "men did this to women just because they are women". do i hate men? i hate all these things misogynistic men do to women. it's allllll those things that would not happen at all if those women were men instead. that said, no i don’t hate men. i think if a poc says “i hate white people”, if i’ve said “i hate men” it has the same kind of nuance; i don’t hate every single man, i just hate the bad cruel ones. possibly i wasn’t even being serious and there’s no real malice. depends on context like most things do. btw race is imo a pretty good comparison to gender, in this case; poc people have all the reason to hate white people. i'm white (no ****) and i know how ******* awful we/them still are (looking at palestine... i'm so ******* mad about everything israel has done and continues to do) and personally i have no problem saying "we" about white people simply bc i'm white too (tho i don't want anyone to think i support white supremacy in any way, **** that). i hate racism and injustice etc and try my best to be mindful and a good human in this regard; i don't feel the least bit attacked by poc cursing white people. i would curse us/them too! i know i'm white and i'll try my best to be a nice white person. so i don't feel like poc are talking about me if they're talking about the atrocities done by white people. all that discussion is good. i’m aware of white privilege and in general that i’m privileged and i try to be mindful of it. all of this, in my mind, can be translated to gender. and i'm not at all saying these things bc you should feel this way too, i can't control that, i'm just saying here is the reason why i reacted so negatively to you saying that you get mad when women slander men. so, you want people to be seen and treated as individuals. i agree. wholeheartedly. oh how i ******* wish it was that way: women would get hired more (there is a gender bias in many places. vice versa too but women face it a lot more, misogynia is common at least in the west), paid more, would be a lot more safe. men's lives would also get easier if there was no pressure to be a certain kind of masculine. would be easier to ask for help, express emotions etc. i guess it's you who should continue this list bc you live that experience, not me. though i’ve talked about these things before with one guy friend who’s been struggling with how to be masculine while not leaning into toxic masculinity. masculinity and femininity is actually really interesting to me too bc the lines feel so blurry to me. anyways this is what i meant when i said patriarchy is the problem and that men have caused both genders to suffer: historically men have been the strong ones, heads of family, physical workers in dangerous jobs. men are expected to be masculine by men. women expect it too but that's more a byproduct of the fact that men wanted men to fit a certain box. the image how a man should be or else "they're like a woman: a lesser being." historically, when these gender norms formed, women did not have much say in it; women were never allowed to set the world order. women have very rarely been the ones in power. it's men who said women are too fragile to work (laborious jobs, but originally all jobs). it's men who made themselves leaders, the strong ones (don’t show emotions + physical strength), the ones in charge of everything and with all the heavy responsibility. they FORBID women from being anything more than pretty housekeepers that produce babies. women did want to work outside of the kitchen and share responsibilities. men didn't let them. in ancient greece/rome whatever around that time, only men had any rights in society. so that's one place where the present day gender norms come from. the situation in afghanistan rn is very similar: taliban took away all of women's rights. this is the history between men and women and the present situation to many women as well. if men and women were equal, women wouldn't have a reason to hate on men. that’s what feminism is all about, equality between genders. feminism wouldn't need to exist. there's a lot of "feminine rage" that is simply the product of too much women's mistreatment. the things i've read about and seen, i can feel it too. so i'm passionate. and sometimes i’m angry. anger is a very human emotion and i don’t think it’s always bad. it depends on the situation last point: what happens if women say men are the problem or express hate towards men? apart from men feeling bad. what are the consequences? this might sound harsh again, i'm only trying to put it into perspective. do men get ******** by women who dislike/hate men? do men get ******** harassed more because women hate them (and ultimately just want to have equal rights? **** the actual extremist women in this btw, not speaking for them). if you flip this around, the hate for women that quite a few men spread is fr dangerous. it can lead to more women losing their lives. if you look at feminism in the light of this friggin essay i wrote, maybe you get why some women (like me) might become wary at the slightest sign of "not all men" etc coming from a guy bc it's usually something antifeminists say. and in my brain antifeminism = danger, to put it simply. i hope these things help you understand why i rarely chill out when it comes to feminism. i can't help it. though i'll try yes, to say things better and be softer. i'm sorry. all this said, you don't get hate from me for being a man. i'm sorry if it felt that way, truly. you shouldn't get that hate from anyone bc you are trying your best at living life with respect for everyone. gender is never a reason for any hate on its own. what i mean is you'd need to be an antifeminist ******* first for me to say that you're an ******* guy :D if you know you're a good person, a good man, none of the man-hate is directed at you. there's no reason bc you're good right. the usual reflex for me when a man feels bad about man-hate is "oh so you feel like toxic masculinity (or whatever the core issue of the man-hate in question is) applies to you" because why else would they feel bad. but now that i know the way you think i know obvs this isn't the case for you and i understand why you've been feeling that way. that's perfectly valid. you shouldn't have to feel targeted by the hate bc it's not about you and i hope you'll eventually feel better about it. yeaaaah so feminism at its core means respect for all genders and equality, which would make you a feminist too. it's not a bad label at all, it just means you stand for equality. it includes men’s welfare too. oki i’m doneeeeee tysm for reading, this is a monster i don’t think i’ve written anything this long even in school lmaooo i’m sorry. i am ******* insane this took me 5 hours of hyperfocus and it's 5 pages in docs. i just poured most of this staright out of my brain, fact checked maybe only two things and found the article. so there could be inaccuracies, i just hope nothing big. i honestly don't think he will even read this whole thing. future me, did he? are we still friends? i honestly can't guess. if we are, you've probably met him already, right? if we aren't... oh well. i'm sure there's a reason, if it isn't this one lol. but this whole essay i just produced? i know i've never written this much in ONE DAY, let alone in 5 hours, not even in finals. like i said, i've gone mad. and i think i even enjoyed this monster. happy three years to this incident lmao.