A letter from Oct 14, 2023

“Dear FutureMe,” hey sunshine i suppose you’ll almost be 24 now. everytime i encounter any writing from when i was younger i cringe at the sound of my younger voice. but it’s actually special that you can read a text from yourself 3 years ago on october 13th at 9pm as if you’d just received it. this summer was incredible. i felt like i’d reached the peak and culmination of who i was meant to be, i felt whole and complete and so alive and so happy. now, i feel like i’m “relapsing” in a way. my brain feels like it’s shrivelling back into itself and self destructive patterns as ways to cope with this insane wave of emotions. every now and then i feel so profoundly lost and helpless in myself as i’m trying to be worthy of my family and please them but also be happy within myself and my choices. i don’t know how i can possibly find a life and a world that i’m happy and wholly myself in. i hope you’ve managed some luck with that by now. i really hope you’ve found clarity in yourself. i’m so close to coming out to my family just so i can exist as i do now without all the hiding and excuses but i’m terrified to forever mar that relationship. i’m waiting until it isn’t worth telling them. will i be waiting forever? right now Kailee and i have been together for 2 months but it’s not really working out… Sianna is recently back into my life after a year of no contact and now i’m back to thinking about her all the time… in a confusing state of heart at the moment. i wish i could send this and have a message arrive back from the future. i would give anything for some advice and clarity right now, even if just three years insight. i hope you went to art school. i hope you’re working on your café. i hope you’re content<3