A letter from Oct 11, 2023

Dear FutureMe, youre getting two letters this week bc there has been some new development this also makes up for the weeks i didnt write so win win today wouldve been awesome. it couldve been. during physics we had a class examination idk what to call it actually but basically the theacher called on peoples names and asked them a bunch of questions and shes done this before the hing that was diffrent was that she was being brutal she even thretened to fofeigt our class and she said that she would send the people who couldnt answer the questions out side and contact their parents and she was saying how she was so done with us and i was kinda sad at first bc i didnt want to loose such a great ******* teavher bc everyone else sucke dbut thats sadness turned into panic real quick when artie stood at the front of the classroom and wasnt asnwering any of the questions right and my brain automathically thought if SHE cant answer then then i defiinetly cant and so i wasnt even hearing the questions properly at thia point and thought all of then sounded outlandish even tho they were actually so simple my stressed mind decided to actually shut down after the teacher told artie to pak her things and go outside and not comeback until she was srudying properlt again and i was litterally shakign at this point considering how artie gave me the stress to begin with when before she started answering she turned towards the class and said omg im so stressed and i was imedietly stressed for her and myself and all of us so artie leaves the room and i swear she was red and i totally thought she might cry bc that was embarrasin the pressure of being the best and then being embarrade infront of everyone is somethiung i camt beging to imagine overachivers must have very stressful lives the second person the teacher calls on is also another one of the classs best students and at this point im thinking yup im bound to be called on at anypoint the entire class was tense and quiet at this point we were all so afraid or maybe im projecting but artie leaving the classroom was terifyig no one was safe if she could be sent out and so samin takes the stage as the second person and is missing the questions left and right honestly our teacher deserves some recogniton for this oscar worthy villinaous performance bc she sounded so serious and disapointed i didnt even bother to think about the questions myself or wether i could answer them at all i just took her word that they were all so horribly wtong anf at this point i was basically haveing a heart attack bc samin couldnt answer the questions our briliantly briliant teacher honestly i ******* love her decided to actually ban her from the class she claimed that samin had to study physics on her own and that she want allowed in class anymore and as samin was being banned from class i was thinking theres astually no ******* way thjis is happening is she even allowed to do this? i dont think so but still and at multipe points during the questioning i was sure our teacher would just admit she was joking at any point and call artie back or wed somehow find out she ahdnt actually taught us these questions and shes be so soryy for being so rude and honestly i thought she was just scaring us and maybe going a little too far with it imagine this my palms are sweating im sweating im shaking my hands are shaking im pretty sure i wasa as red as a raddish and i know for a fact i was as warm as the surface of the sun basically i was having a stroke and thats the moment the class room door opens and at first i think its artie back with our advisor to apologise bc thats something se would do and then she walks through the door with a cake in hand and lots of candles on it and my dumbass thinks Artie this is NOT the time for a birthday surprize samin ios as white as chalk and my girl is probably having a stroke ten timesa as severe as me you can take the birthday else were i wanna see the drama unfold i wanna see if anyones atuaally banned from class or what and then i realized its samins birthday and they are surprizinf her and the teachers actually in on it so it was all a ruse and artie was sent out of clas abd answered the questions wrongly on purpose bc someone needed to brng the cake and honestly sending a student as good as her out was perfect bc we were all stresed after she was sent out without exeption well ig the people who knew it was a ruse are the exeption but honestly a very well exceuted prank and soemthing worthy of an 18th birthday wonderful and all but ive never felt less apreciated and more unwanted in my life actually in the chaos that followed after us naive students who has no idea what was going on were unwinding from cooling down after the adrenaline rush that tahst was i felt like a wart on multiple occasions i tried to talk about my expirince just like everyone else and was ignored like im a brick wall people would be way more intressed in hearing out a brick wall than these people were in hearing me out i even resorted to calling peoples names individually and try to speak my thing and they looked at me and didnt even try to listen and were back to the and on an even worse note when we were laughing anout it i noticed fati was angled towards me and laughing anf i thought ... well i was happy but then she said get up theyre filming and i realised she was trying to get out of the camras shot bc shes scared of cameras bc shes insecure and so theres that also this was the reason ive been upset for a few weeks now it seems like no one even wants to talk to me oh also they cut me out of the video :| im not making this up they staight up dont like me on the bright note i got cake! and at least now i know fati is scared of all cameras and not just my camera and that she didnt think i was a creep that one night and she just tries to avoid most cameras which is ridiculous amanda had some tin similar were she hid her face in photos and idk why but this behavior infuriates me to hide from camres this is like how i hate people with eating disorders what do you mean youre scraed of bread! boo calories or picky eaters in general they be so ridicouly stupid i wanna punch a wall anyway these people have got me questioning wether im autistic bc somethings gotta be wrong with me see suecidal thought are so normal for me that i dont even notice them but lately theyre becoming so much more common and theres two types of them theres the one most people are familiar with the one were i think that im useles and incompetent and not good at enything and that no one would notice if i were gone and the world be no diffrent and the usual self loathing bussiness same old smae old we all know that one the seconf type of suecidal thoughts i have are the ones i like to call revenge suecide its were i think i should **** myself so everyones sorry and latly ive been having lots of that where something happens i get ignored or something like that and im thinking you would regret this if i ****** my self or theyre all going to be traumatized if i **** myself rn then they would realize how great i am and hwat they missed out on the problem with type two suecidal thoughts is that prettyy quickly i realise how delulu that is and how noone would miss me if i were gone they probably wouldnt even notice in fact they miught think what a pathetic looser and we dont want that so imma keep living ******* myself wouldnt do what i need it to do and in this case maybe living well IS the best revenge another thought that accures is that jj whom i complain about a lot and whom isnt a perfect friend is stil ALOT better than any of these people and i need to maybe appriciant hime more for instanse josef never ignores me even if im saying something and someone intrupts me to say something and even if he lsitend to them first hell always ask what i was gonna say and tell me to go on hes honestly amazing that was exactly the situation artie was in and she managed to even SIDE EYE ME even tho i was intrupted maybe i should tell josef that it such a small gesture but it means so much to me and it really shouldntit should be the bare minmun the people in my life being intredted in what i have to say should be so normal maybe the reason i think about jj with a little resentment in my heart is bc i know he shouldnt be the only person in my life who i feel slightly likes me. in my head whem=never i think hes my best friend theres a unfortunatley following it and i can never really be sure why i maybe feels like im stuck with him and that i dont have a choise? then again if i am truly as toxic and unfrienly as it feels like shouldnt i be glad hes stuck around? idk im having a lot of conflicting emotion maybe i should focus on studying instead