A letter from October 11th, 2023

Dear FutureMe, This household is getting more and more toxic. He did some bad things again and when mom reported you to the police, they came and arrested him but he came back after some time still with the police saying that she lied and blabla. He began to smash everything everywhere, broke the mirrors, the table and dared to threaten her like "you know that i'm sick right ?? I'll just commit suicide if i go to jail again, you'll have blood on your hands, I'd rather die idc." If you'd rather die why do you keep doing the same things huh ? Why do you always choose drugs over your own family... well your own mother ?? since she was the only hopeful one about you changing your behaviours after one year in jail. Only one month has passed and you were back at it again. Sometimes i almost felt bad for you, they all say "he's still your brother you know" are you ? I don't think so. I'm convinced that if you had to choose between drugs and me, the choice would be simple without any regrets. Sometimes i do think about how it was back then and it's crazy how most of the few memories i have aren't even happy ones. I was young and naive, trying to heal my brother's "wound" with the first aid kit, i was ignorant, you were already not my brother. So should i even feel bad if you say you're going to do it ? That you just need a rope huh ? Mom called the police on you again because she was tired but also sad to see you slowly destroying yourself. She would always wonder where you are, if you ate, if you were too high again to notice that you were burning your own clothes, she just wanted her son to be safe. The same son who threatened to **** her, to **** everyone because he "has nothing to lose." Do you think that ****'s fair when she was the one who discovered her brother on the ground with blood coming out of his head 4 days ago ? You aren't even her son anymore, she lost you to drugs and she will never accept that. So if by the time this letter reaches me and you're not here anymore, don't haunt me if i continue to live my life because life will go on with or without you. We lost you several years ago so losing you physically wouldn't make a big of a change, at least for me because you know that even if you've always been the focal point of her world despite all your multiple wrong doings, I'm aware of that. It breaks my heart but I'm aware of it. It will break her heart and you already did it so many times before. Hopefully in some years I'll forgive you for everything. Maybe I'll realise that it was not your fault, perhaps it was mom's or dad's, i get it. I am part of this divorced family too, yet i never used it as an excuse to ruin my life completely. When they left for their temporary lovers, i remained in that house we used to call our home. I survived on my school lunch and water for months, i cried on my own when i was getting bullied or didn't have anyone to even talk to. I was 12 in an empty house for months while you were out doing drugs. So yes. Maybe one day I'll forgive you and realise that maybe it was the only escapism you found, that it was your way of dealing with selfish, absent parents. Perhaps that's why mom always chooses you because she blames herself for how you turned out, so i'll forgive you and realise that you were also only a lost child with a broken heart. Perhaps in another life we'll be siblings again, with a happier life and family. We'll play wrestling and pillow fights and draw on the freshly painted walls again. We'll watch horror movies with dad and mom and I will laugh at you again when you say that Freddie has been scratching your windows it was only the neighbour's cat. Perhaps we'll be protected and comforted instead of having to be strong.