A letter from Oct 06, 2023

Dear Me, Hello.. As I'm typing this out, I feel generally sad. I feel like everything I do is worthless. Every thought I think, actions I do, words I speak. I don't feel myself lately. I feel more sadder and demotivated and always has this strong feeling of I'm the odd one out in this family. I'm literally born in a generation where we're practically raised by the Internet, hence making me know about things I shouldn't know at a young age. I'm more informed than others thanks to the internet and I learn other skills through it to. I get to talk to my friends a lot more and make more across the world. And yet, I'm an empty shell inside. I'm not like my older cousins who do things common and expected by society. I don't like sports, I enjoy being isolated sometimes, I enjoy Subjects that normally a person would find boring. I feel like a sole outcast here. I have zero social skills, zero important life skills except newbie cooking and writing, I don't think of solutions to problems that fast, and generally, I'm always out of this world. I hope 3 years from now you're better than what you were 3 years ago. By that time you'd be in Senior Highschool. 11 or 12 year. Any who. Today, it's 2 Months until December, then it's Christmas, New Year, and 2024. Everyday it doesn't get easy for me. A lot of people have expectations for me that I'm literally obligated to meet and I don't really think if I can really meet them. It's been exactly 9 months since the thought of suicide crossed my mind, and I tend to continue that trend for as long as I can. It's been close to a month since I last let my tears flow out, and 3 days since I've woken up wishing I was in some kind of accident that puts me into a coma. Everyday when I do things like School work, I never have the mindset of "I want to be part of the honors!" or "I want to be smarter than everyone!" It's always "Just enough to pass." and "As long as I graduate, I'm okay." While about a few months ago I was all sad and depressed that I was losing friends, I've moved on but now I'm all sad about how will I live my life properly? The only way I can really make myself feel better is by Binge watching, playing with friends, or letting all my tears out when no one's there to hear or see it. Being a gender where everyone heavily expects you to be tough, brave, strong, and overall be a man is really burdening when you know that simply crying or venting out your emotions will immediately get you called a girl or some other ****. Please take care, future me. -Love, you from 3 years ago.