A letter from Oct 03, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I'm not sure if you remember this but today is 10/3/2023. I am in catholic vocations honors in Mrs.Bothe class, senior year. A couple weeks ago, specifically the week of September the 8th, 9th, and 10th (which was a friday, saturday, sunday) was honestly so life changing for me. The retreat I went on was called "Kairos." At the retreat you were with people from your grade and were randomized in bunk rooms and everyday you met with your small group which was also randomized. I was going into the retreat hopeless, lonely/depressed, closed off and when I left the retreat I came out with so many new friends , happier than ever, hopeful for the school year. I was feeling that way because at the start of senior year I wasn't sitting with anybody at lunch and I felt nobody liked me and wanted to hang out with me. I felt like an outcast because nobody wanted to sit with me. I have always felt like an outcast at school because I try to fit in but I feel I always fall short. I feel like I’m the only one with autism sometimes and I know that’s not true but there’s that doubt in my mind that I’m not good enough. Before the retreat I felt I was in a pit or a walkway with no light, I couldn't find light or couldn't grasp it. I also felt I was wearing a mask (I was saying I was okay to people I loved but on the inside I was not okay at all) and Mrs.Anders (the leader of the retreat) also described what I was going through as a "brick wall" or to me a "brick square" I was in the center of the brick square and it felt impossible to break through. I just felt hopeless at school. On the retreat there was this walk called the "Emmaus walk" and I got paired up with one of my old friends (Sofia Calle) from freshman year and I just talked to her and catched up with her. I eventually told her I'm sorry for what I did freshman year because I did some not good stuff freshman year and me opening up to her allowed me to talk to other people I hurt on the retreat(Ava Deguzman and Kambrie Murphy) . I ended up re-kindling one of my old friendships because of that. I also wrote 2 letters to my old friends freshman year (Sophie Ingle and Brooke Pederson) and I ended up talking to most of my old friends that I hung out with freshman year and I asked for forgiveness from them and they forgave me and they told me stuff I didn’t even know they did and I forgave them as well. My small group (Edwin Allen, Lattie Jackson, Jaden Miller, Brett Lopez, GiGi Francis, Mrs.Taylor, Kaitlyn Bostian) and just the whole kairos experience allowed me to really open up and tell everybody how I truly am doing. My small group helped me take down that mask I was having up and help take down that brick square. It’s like they got a hammer and a chisel and took down that square bit by bit. Masculinity in this world says men can’t cry and men can’t show their emotions and I believed that for so long and I learned from Kairos that It’s hard for me to talk about my emotions when I’m sad/depressed/lonely. My small group and the whole experience gave me a whole new outlook on school, I actually feel a sense of belonging at school and I am happy to be at school. I felt that last year but not as much. There was just this weight on my shoulders of the feeling that people don’t like me. I realize now that at school people actually care about me and want to be my friend and want to hang out with me. I came out of the retreat happier than ever, I am an extrovert but before kairos having no friends forced me to be an introvert and be in the library by myself during lunch which I didn’t want. I feel comfortable now at school to go up to people I don’t know that well and just have a conversation with them. I actually have people I go to lunch with off campus, which may sound crazy but it is so nice.