A letter from Oct 02, 2023

Dear Cailey, I hope you're still alive. Today is October 2, 2023. I just read the letter I sent to myself when I was 11. I'm 14 now and I'm sobbing. Reading the letter made me realize 2 things. 1. how different I am after just 3 years. 2. The fact that I was already feeling like this when I was 11. I hope that you aren't feeling like this anymore, I hope that we didn't decide to go back on our promise to not cut again, and I hope that you haven't attempted suicide. I have a couple friends I guess, but I'm lonely here. I really miss clarksville. I wonder if I've seen any of my old friends. I still have scars on my legs, hbu? I am thoroughly going through it rn lol. I hate myself every day and cry at night. It feels like other people don't understand, and I hate saying that because I sound emo. I think about cutting and dying still. I don't rly know what to do or what to say. How do I express my deep dislike and discomfort with my own body to my parents? What will they even to to help me. I don't want to cost them money. I can't believe you're 17 and in your last year of high school. I have a couple questions. Are we finally happy? How are mommy and daddy? Are we still pissing them off all the time? Are we still ***? When did you get baptized? Is DJ reinstated?How is Dj and Trina? Are you an aunt? Did caydie move out yet? Is Darien still annoying? How much bigger does caecey look? Do you have real friends? How is the Paul's family? Do you still hate myself? Are you getting better? Do you ever get a therapist? Is our acne finally gone? Do you have locs? Is your hair dyed? Are you in love? When was the last time you saw Adrien Richardson? When was the last time you talked to Tamia? Do mommy and daddy know about the way you feel? Do you still play basketball? Do you still run track? Has Grey's anatomy ended? Has the great tribulation started? Do you know what you want to do with the rest of our life? Do I remember writing this at all? Am I any better at drawing? Can I speak Spanish fluently? How is Anyia and Alyssa(we met them freshman year)? That's all my questions, sorry. I hope it gets better for us. I think I'm gonna start watching anime again, for 11 year old me. You should rewatch the 100 and Grey's Anatomy for me. ALSO MAKE SURE OUR ROOM IS SPIDERMAN DECORATED. One more question though: did we ever find out why the way we love is wrong? Do I still feel sick when I think about the fact that I like girls? Do I still get angry? Is my voice finally soft? (reference to poem on tiktok) I hope that we're loved, and I believe that you can get over the obstacles you face. If youre still ***, I know it sucks, but it is what it is ig. Whatever you do DON'T COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, PLEASE 🙏. Oh yeah did Rei and Hana finally kiss( not so shojo love story)? I don't want this whole letter to be questions for you, so instead im going to tell you somethings that you might've forgotten about me. I am 14. I'm obsessed with spiderman. I love the 100 show(clexa‼️) and I love Greys Anatomy. The biggest love and heart break of my life was Leo and Makalya. I have a small crush on Alyssa, not really though. I like hanging out with Aniya. Lexie's getting married soon, and I want to be invited. Everybody is alive. I keep getting into arguments with our parents. I want to have a girlfriend more than anything, I know I can't though. I love Jehovah and Jesus. I want to text DJ more, I kinda miss him being in the house. I really want locs. I want my nails to grow. I want to stop being so anxious and awkward around other people. I want to skateboard more. I want to learn how to flip off of things. I want to be the next paige buckets. I want to win gold medals in track. I want Jehovah to love me. I wonder if my parents would still love me if they knew who I really was. Well that's all I got. Love u, the depressed(I think) 14 year old you.