A letter from Oct 01, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hi so i dont know where to start this one. I prefer to establish a timeline when i write these. Where i am at, how i am feeling but honestly reading pervious ones most of the time when i write them all i feel is despair. Now though its not as simple i guess. Maybe i should start with the tradition of asking whether i am actually alive? I want to stop asking that as some symbolic sign that things are finally okay but its would be really honest would it? Just a few days ago i was seriously contemplating ******* myself. So for now i guess ill continue the cycle. Its not like i am not doing better denying that would be just as much of a lie. There's a lot of reflection to be done i think. I am friends with Fern again and its...easy?healing?addictive? I haven't had a friend to whom i constantly talked and spent this much time since-Actually i genuinely dont know it might have been years. Only now is it coming through how truly damaging loneliness is. The last lets be honest at least 4 years iI have spent in almost constant isolation. It wasnt my choice or well it was mostly out of my control. And it completely destroyed me to my very foundations, i fully forgot how to talk to people. I stopped i cant say i stopped developing as a person since i changed immensely but some part of me just lay dormant. I have finally figured out two more things about my psyche i didnt think it was possible to discover something new and yet i find ways to surprise myself. I am 90% i have OCD i think its always been there but in the recent weeks its been more and more prominent. I feel like a have to say or think certain phrases or something bad is going to happen. I am still doubting myself but when am i not. However, that would explain all my weird compulsions and obsessions finally. Another one is weeks when i experience dissociative disorders. Derealization, Depersonalization and potentially dissociation and it seriously is one of the scariest experiences. The full disconnect i experience, it's so different yet excruciatingly similar. The apathy is the worst i lose the ability to care about myself, my future and others often. Every person seems more like a dreamlike stranger no matter how close they are. And my anxiety is heavily reduced whivh makes me obsess on whether i still have it. I dont have any means with dealing with it and i am to my core terrified of it happening again. Well that aside i might be beginning to have a problem with alcohol. That however was entiterly predictable and probably not preventable. For the past month i ve been drinking a bottle every week which its not ***** sentense i know but i both logically know that considering my family history this is a dangerous path and in my bones i feel how easy it would be to start drinking more and more and lose myself. Then there is smoking. Its...cool. I know its not i ve hated it since my childhood **** it since i ve been consious i ve been holding my breath walking past people smoking, the smell only cause repulsion, its the smell of conflict of escapism, its avoiding mother and her withering gaze. I tried smoking for the first time when i stole my father's vape. I want to say it just started this year but its ingrained in me and the bone deep ache has always been there. I stopped then and after some time i lost the access. Years passed but then again i stole Mattys vape. Well it stopped being stealing really they allowed me to use it and so i did it every few days for a month. I tried not to doubt that i never would come close to a cigarette. That that was off-limits. Yet i cant deny how attractive i tihnk smoking is, how even though i took just two drags it now haunts me. Its a curse, its a gene, its a longing inside me i wont be able to fight forever. I know how media i consume made the addiction more romantic in my eyes. I know how my family history should be a glaring warning for what not to do. And yet... Well this is coming to an end a few final notes? I started drawing not sure how long that will last but i will try its something that actually sparks joy in me despite the conviction after every drawing i am satisfied with that i wont be able to replicate it. I have a crush on Fern. Guess thats just a constant in my life. Some factor that now will loom over me if i think about them a little bit too much. I suppose i have to talk about unis, the stress its causing me and the sense of dread i havent felt in 2 years but **** you i am not obligated to write or even think about this. Wow i had a lot in me i tihnk i will rewrite this in to my diary i dont usually do it with my letters but i am just too proud of how this came out. Well i am piecing out time to play minecraft and watch horror stories as always take care of yourself and others and remember to be kind above all else.