A letter from Sep 16, 2023

Why are you like this? -----, look at yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself?? Some nights you cradle yourself with the warmth of a lover, hands sliding over your body and covers pulled tight. You wear clothes to protect us from the cold, you don’t cry or scream, you feel rested and at peace. The next night you’re tearing at your skin, clawing at it with such fierce anger. You’re pulling and prodding, glaring and staring. You’re ruining yourself, us, me, you. I LET them ruin me, ruin us. I'm sorry. I really am. I want to be better and I try but sometimes it feels too much like a wave in a drowning and sinking ocean. PLEASE don't be mad at me. I am sorry. Please don't be mad that the sorrow we thought we burrowed and burned has returned. You see that kind of sorrow is ever changing and constantly haunting. I want you to see how I've tried. I want to be ok. I swear I'll try next time. Next year. We'll be ok. I promise. I ******* PROMISE. My heart is tearing apart. I'm trying to heal. I love you. Please tell me you've healed.