A letter from Sep 16, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hey... I don't know where I will be in 3 years from now on. But I'm in more or less a very dark place right now, you just never knew, I thought I'm an optimistic person, therefore, I will never end up in dark place, right? Turn out, I was wrong. Turn out, it's even harder to realize that I'm in a 'dark' place. I don't know what to think honestly. I don't even know who I am. I know who I am. And I don't know who I am at the same time. I hold all the history of me. Yet, I've chose to completely burn down my old-self, in order to go higher, in order to achieve 'life-time-job'. I don't know if this will be worth it, but it's the only path. In 2015 - I started my first YouTube channel, with pretty good sort of content... until I chose mediocrity. In 2016-2017 - Was my childhood: boardgame, minecraft(2011-2017), play around. In 2018-2021 3 Years... 3 years of pure trpg works, running, it was the best time of my life. Insanely amount of creativity happens here. I build entire culture from the ground up. that subreddit discord might be more popular and lasting, but, you cna't really compare them. those were just chat room, but this... this is entire culure in itself. And I choose to burn everything down, because I need to do something 'practical'. 2022 - was the year of... well... nothing practical yet, I didn't produce any work in this year, but there is a very strong sense of community. but yeah, while I did bond quite a lot, it's just a co-worker bond / hobbyist bond, not a cultural bond like what happened. it seems that only trpg is capable of creating such bond, to curate such small group. it was fun, but... most of the core has already gone. but it was fun, nothing can beat the fact I 'lived' it, It happeened. wait this was supposed to be in 2021 sec, ha. but yeah. idk what I did in 2022. apart from self-improvement. I went from was barely able write an co-hearnt english text to a well-respected guide. I went from noone, to well-known figure. I had talent, and I'm not afraid to use them. I tried networking, but, unless I give it my all, no amount of small-talk would help me go anywhere. 2023 - same, well, aka this year as of writing this email, from... well 2022-to-2023:9 I'm still stuck, and had more and more and more and more and more and more breakdown. Even worse, I become more and more and more emotionless. I think I know what is going on, this is what a phantom limb feel like, it's bill. It's the consequence of me cutting of my tie with the thai trpg community 2 year ago, aka, my fire is almost gone. well, not exactly, I still have my enterureprship in full. but what is exactly gone....? I think it's friend, i have no friend, no co-worker. ofc I would go mad. but what else can I do? even my passion for making cats-related works, as I don't even consume any ******* cats content, how the ***** am going to write in this genre when I'm not actively reading it??? I gusses I just hate the predictiablity ? I don't know, i don't really go out of my way to reach for content much, maybe I should look into my vault? idk, I knew I had a story that I want to tell. it's there, I swear, but the dragged out time kind of **** me inside. **** my fire **** my passion **** my love. this writing thing is... extremely complicated, it's way harderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr than a youtube vid, or idk. it could be that I had everything reader, including my inner crtic. I would agruge to all improviser before me that havinf inner critic is insanely important, it's one the smartest tool to use, I find that my inner crtic is almost always right, it had a way of knowing if thing did go wrong , and how to crrecti it. these 1-2 past months, colors had been disspearing from my eyes a ton, i don't know what to do wait I know. I think for the first time, I had everything it store. but i just don't have to coutrage to do it yet. Have fire , but no skills... can't write full work because u fail -> learniong -> have no fire, but skills... can't write because i don't care anymore? idk hope u had fun reading this. ha, ofc, this is no ******* use to me in 3 years from now at all!