A letter from Sep 14, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Right now I am sitting in my room, taking a small break from my English homework and listening to a youtube docemntary about a gamer I don't really care about. I'm living with my good friend Ryan Alvarado, and I am surrounded by a lovely group of friends. My lover is Uday Illa. We are very happy together. His meanness is adorable, his love and light are both genuine, and when we are together I feel a sense of completeness that I have not been able to fully understand. Sorry about that, if you and him are no longer together that might have hurt you quite deeply but it is against the truth of who I am to omit it. I decided to send this letter the day before my first one, because I thought it would be fun to see the differences from the first one. I don't know when I sent that letter, didn't check either. I suppose it doesn't really matter does it? I really hope that we still know and love who we know and love. I hope we still make work, bigger and better work. I hope that Uday Illa and I are still together. I hope my family and I are still somewhat close. It's so strange... typing this out fills me with palpable anxiety that I'll never say aloud, but it is I who is in control of you. I am the one who needs to create you, you are the one who is powerless to change me. I suppose the dread is because I feel like I won't ever do the work required to keep things the same, or that even if I do the unpredidtable flow of time will wash me and my loves away. I mean, it will in a cosmic sort of sense but still, it pains me to think about. For your sake, I will try to grow. I owe it to you. You can't do it yourself just yet, but don't fret, I'll do whatever it takes. My work will be better, my life will be different, and my loves will be... still there, different entirely but still there. I don't know what more their is to say but I don't want to stop talking. I want you to see as much of me as you can, to find comfort in this letter and all it got wrong and all the feelings you no longer feel and all the amazing things I've never done and amazing people I haven't met. I want to comfort you or congratulate you or scold you, to hold your hand and let you cry your heavy tears into my shoulder, but I just cant. I'm sorry. At a certain point the words have to stop. But at least you were like me for a time. I can hear Ryan Alvarado laughing through the wall. Goodbye, I love you, and I'm sorry