A letter from Sep 13, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Wed,sept,13,2023 I need help. I have some physical problems with my body. I can't match the appearance I want to see even though I know it's fully achievable with effort. I want to drop body fat so I can become skinnier and have an overall better appearance. I understand i naturally have a big blocky frame that allows muscle growth and fat but i wish i could cut my BF% down by half. I also have some emotional issues that I have come to recognise with my slowly deteriorating mental health. My mind is not in the right place. I'm always having dark thoughts and always thinking the worst of new people and situations. I seem to have minor trust issues even though no one has ever hurt me and I am generally lonely. I have no one, no one who cares about me one bit. I am quite the extroverted person but in my moments of solitude I realize that my socializing has gotten me nowhere other than with a bunch of dickhead friends. In my moments of solitude I can remember the times I've acted with such stupidity but I could never realize it until now. I end up at the bottom of every joke because I put myself there. I'm always looked down upon as the stupid one because I can't apply myself to my work. I wish i could go back in time to a better time when i enjoyed living life to the fullest extent traveling, playing video games, sports, arcades, friends, birthdays. Now I see everything through my sunglasses, nothing seems as vibrant anymore. Activities i used to do just seem dull and boring, i just wish i could go back and relive those moments that used to be fun, when my life used to be enjoyable. Fortunately school started up again and forced me out of my depression because I needed to get ready but I feel it slowly creeping back, the procrastination and the lack of motivation falling back into addictions. I need someone that would listen, understand me and be someone I can trust. I would generally have said my parents but i don't wanna make any conversations weirder than they already are. I wish I had siblings that would be in the house because it's less quiet and I would have a friend in the home. I've tried making things work with girls but I'm just not fun to talk to and with my busy schedule I just can't see anything working because I'm not conventionally attractive, I have a very round head, I have a high enough BF% that I have a double chin. I can't pick up signs for my life and when I do it's too late, I like to think I have a kind outgoing personality but I have a reputation following me and with the friends i hang out with. I'm scared of rejection and even if I don't get rejected I am a serial choker, I lose my chance every time because I become nervous and frightened. There are guys that are not great looking with nice partners because they are funny and smooth talkers. I can't do that, I start clamming up and stuttering. I can't speak full sentences. overall I just don't understand how im going to make my life work I just can't stand i idea of having to live what i have already 6/7 times over especially if I can't get a high paying job or a job i truly enjoy and i can't think of any jobs i would enjoy doing that would sustain a middle class lifestyle. The future is very imposing and something I would rather not think about living to 50 just seems like a struggle. best of luck me