A letter from Sep 01, 2023

Dear Van (yes not me), I'm writing now this letter to keep myself from searching your profile on social media. I'm trying to do it for 100 days and hopefully, after that, maybe I will stop having this urge to check on you or stop missing you. I'm at almost the 50th day and I don't want to break it because I promised myself a reward when I accomplished it. That sounds stupid, right? Well, this whole thing feels stupid. I hope someday when I look back, I will just find this funny and nonsense. But I am writing not for my future self nor you. I am actually writing this for the benefit of my present myself so I can pour out all these heavy feelings that are keeping me from sleeping. “I am caught in a tide of sorrow and love which is carrying me away from writing.” This one is from Kafka, and I think that is the exact opposite of this. I wish could explain why I feel this way about you, oh how hard I try to. But I can't. I don't think I even know you that much, but I want you so much. It feels like my soul is always asking for yours, every day. It is exhausting. And the thought of you being with someone else for the rest of your life brings so much agony. I almost feel it physically. I want to cry because I know that is what's going to happen, I'm not delusion no. I just hope that, soon enough my soul will stop looking for yours. Van, why did I have to cross your path? If only, I could just go back and change it. But I always think it was bound to happen. Me falling for someone like you. What a mess. I can deal with endings I am well acquainted with that unfortunately. But not this. Not like this. I don't even know what should I call this. Ang sakit sakit. Ang bigat. If only I could wake up tomorrow and not remember you, just you. But I hope you're happy. I pray someday I can be that too. I know my heart will survive this. This is nothing compared to what it has gone through before—but sometimes it feels too long. Maybe it doesn't matter how huge something is, maybe it's about how long it clings to you. I'm trying to run away but it is always there. This will pass, right? It should be. And I hope this will be all worth it. That this will make sense someday (or the opposite). I just want a day—a normal one—without my mind calling your name. Or time when imagining you not being a part of any of my future will feel okay. Perhaps, it's just my desire to be loved and cared for. And I just got unlucky it was you I found (and slipped) I know that I have to let somebody else in, or else that would never happen. I will try to someday when I'm over this. Is this love? I won't dare to define this. No, I don't need to know. Well, whatever this is, I should have taken better care of my heart. But I thought I was in control. I was wrong. Hopefully, it's not too late. Maybe, I'll write again soon when I finally have moved on from you. Or when it gets too tough. I hope it's the former. Loving (but stopping soon), Me