A letter from Aug 24, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Third times a charm I guess? well...., this specific letter is a following to the letter Mrs.Evens made us write September 2021, but I'm fairly certain I wrote myself another one a bit ago. back to the topic though because hehe....Grammar was not a talent back then aaannnnnnddddd I think this letter isn't gonna do me any favors. ..... :/ I'm a senior now! er, I will be. Technically. On Monday (Its Thursday night as of typing this). Applying to western (top choice), UNCG, UNCC, NYU, chapel hill and I guess any others that randomly come to mind. i think Ima stick with the nursing path, i might jump to PT. Basically all i know for sure is that i want to further my knowledge and such of the human body/anatomy. tell me what i choose OK? ill be waiting, don't worry you indecisive and too easily swayed by mom and other people *****. back and forth with Britt i go. still purging like basically every meal. I'm good with snacks now but, ya-know, I'm kinda ****** rn. I'M back to being close with Kate, which is nice, we even had a lil coffee date today where we share our woes is dating and just life in general. I still love Mahimah, and I've never been closer to Ally, even with limited "hangouts". Matt is a thing. my um boyfriend...in a literal sense and in his sense? you probably know who he is, big shocker right?! well yeah. started dating last year, almost exactly a year from now and I still don't know wtf to do for relationships. I don't think its bad but... um ah **** it. I cant lie to myself. I honestly don't think I love him. He sure as hell is seemingly in love and gobsmacked for me (Jesus). He tells of dreams he has, seeing me and him lasting through high school/college and getting old together. But erm, genuinely. um... I don't. When i imagine the future; I see dance/ballet/teaching/or college class, working and/or finding jos based on education i got or some random place I love, college. but I don't see him. I'm scared to "break up" with him. Even though I know high school relationships are stupid and pointless (most of the time) anyway. yet, I'm scared of what he'll do to himself and him mind (mental healthy/gym obsession and body dysphoria). I'm scared to loose Walter as a friend or loose any other friends I've met because they all where his friends first. I don't know. I'm scared that he'll hate me, which he prob will for having "tricked him", "lied to him", or "dragged him alone for so long". How do I break up though? Should I break up with him? Am I really romantic Ace? Is it just me not being attracted to him? Does this mean I actually am demi like I originally thought?.... I don't look forward to hanging with him. We literally haven't hung out since the start of summer which I honestly wasn't effected by. Texting or talking to him is kinda like a chore but he's so good to me (I think...?). He introduces himself to others as "Addison's boyfriend", he was supportive of me saying I might be Ace, he cheers me on, and he brags about me to friends. His personality sometimes though. Also(!), hes **** at inviting me places. He has never done any cute ****, like what i did/what I tried doing in the beginning of "us". Never did a lot for my birthday compared to what I did for him. Has visited me working once so far and got salty bout Yidi's joke that i got hit on and for me not screaming to the rooftops about me being with him. I've visited him working so many times, even brought him snacks and cute cards constantly. I should break up with him. I don't like him like that (not sure i ever did looking back), I don't find him cute or that engaging anymore. He's so attached that I don't know if I should or how to even begin. This sucks! I feel so guilty and ****** and horrible and fake but I cant help my feelings..? I don't even know if I've ever enjoyed kissing him. He's so physical and I am so, absolutely not. I don't know if he knows or notices or cares. His love language is physical touch and mine is acts of service in a two way street sorta way. This is difficult. i work at SipCha! Been working since the beginning of June and shockingly, Yidi made it work for me to keep working during the school year!! I only have three periods each semester sooooo, I can leave by lunch at 12 ( c lunch which i so weird to comprehend)! I really enjoy working there. As you know (but still, to jog your.. my(?) memory), I'm their because I'm using 100% of my earnings for a motorcycle funds. I will be buying myself a motorcycle and all the properly fitted gear, even if I have to wait for college to buy it all behind mom's back. this is the one and only thing i will not be persuaded on in my life (once a pushover, always a pushover). It's one of my few genuine passions. Currently I'm pretty ***-hoe on the ninja 400 because of its perfect height and weight being perfect for my size! It also just looks so nice (compared to most other ninjas or Yamaha bikes). I am 100% getting a sport bike but let me know if brand preference has changed. Been pretty busy, prob will be busy when reading this again (i hope). I swear, I better not bee too busy in the future though! Mental health is very important (says the Addi who's dealing with a breakup button dangling in front of her). my fav comfort story right now: there's always more" (https://archiveofourown.org/works/40985919) still addicted to solitaire, with a whopping 240 hours played as of this letter. Thanks for your time, hope I'm doing well, and I hope I continue this tradition... bye!