A letter from Aug 19, 2023

Dear FutureMe, It’s been a weird past few years. Pandemic aside, I’ve changed a lot and life has changed a lot. Despite any changes, I still feel the same. I feel like the same clueless, scared kid I was ten years ago. I feel like I’m wandering through life aimlessly and watching everyone and everything pass me by. Time is fleeting, life is fleeting, and I’m terrified of it all. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong all the time, and no praise or validation from anyone ever feels like enough. I don’t know what I’m doing. I constantly feel like everyone in my life is moments away from realizing I’m not worth the effort and leaving me. My boyfriend, my best friend, all of my friends, my family. I’m scared of losing people to time or to the natural shifting of priorities and relationships. It's something I hope you have figured out for us in the future. And if you haven’t, it’s okay. We have time. Even though I just said time is fleeting, but that was a negative perspective, so ignore that. You’re doing your best, pal. I hope you figure out a lot of other stuff, too. What are you doing after college? Are you moving away? Living with mom? Living with your boyfriend? (Do you still have a boyfriend?) Getting a job? Continuing higher education? It’s a lot. And it’s hard to know the answers to external happenings when you don’t even have the answers to what’s happening inside. I hope you get all the help you need with everything happening in your head, but realistically I think it will take an entire lifetime to sort out your (our) mind. You know I have to ask, how has your relationship with your body changed? Your relationship with food? You’ve been obsessed with food and your weight and your body since you were around ten years old. As of the time I’m writing this, that obsession has gained even more control of your life. I hope in the future I am at a place where I’ve made peace with my body and I’m not terrified of weight gain at all. I can’t lie, at this time, I am hopeful that I lose more weight. But this could all be meaningless to you in the future and maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “I can’t believe I used to be so obsessed with this!” And I hope that’s the way it is. I hope you are able to look at your body and be grateful for all the things it allows you to do and all the things it does for you. I hope you can eat food and enjoy it. Because food is great and I miss when eating was easy. Whatever happens, I hope you're okay. I hope you’re happy. I hope you are surrounded by love, and you feel loved. I hope you remember to be grateful to be alive, even though sometimes being alive feels like a punishment. Existing is actually really cool when you think about it. Everything that has ever happened in the history of the entire universe lined up in a way that led to you being here. Your existence doesn’t have to leave a mark. You don’t have to be extraordinary or special. You don’t have to be perfect, and as determined as you are to be, you cannot be perfect. You just have to be. Please, be kind to yourself. And be kind to me for any mistakes I’ll make between now and when you get this letter. Happy 23rd birthday, by the way. :) Love, PastMe