A letter from Aug 14, 2023

Dear FutureMe, heyy, this week i have despaired over the fact that i will never be a british man that studied drama at the royal institute of dramatic arts in britain, if that's even a place. i think i want to write these letters a bit more coherently. i want them to read like actual letters and not random thought dumps. unfortunately i am practically incapable of that. so just bear with me. i convinced amir to give me his ipad. so now i have an ipad. i don't trust it whatsoever. i bet its not even a legit apple product, god knows who made it. it is better than nothing tho, and i'm having fun with it. maybe one day ill get good at drawing yay :) this friday we had an everything exam/test and i did pretty alright. i got placed second in my class yay :) but i only scored a 40 something percent which isn't great. i need to be above 80, at the very least above 50. ill do better next week. no promises, ill try my best. it is tragic that i can not know everything. there are so many fields of science, so much knowledge, so many societies, cultures, people, that i will never know. so many stories and history, so much i will never get to fall in love with. its sad that i know i will live, that ivc been born, will live and will die not getting to know even a fraction of all there is out there and it terrifies me. ill never get to know any biology or what british drama schools are like or what it is like to be a professional athlete, and so much more. it stresses me out. i don't think i necessarily picked the wrong thing. math is great. its not that. i just want everything and in the mortal life span i have this is unachievable. i wish i was immortal or to have existed from the beginning. maybe then i wouldn't miss out on all there is to see in the world. long story short i wanna be good at everything, be everywhere, do everything, meet everyone, all at once, and i cant. :( another thing that stresses me out is how there were so many great good omens edits i didn't save on my phone so now they are lost forever ;( i'm so obsessed with the show its driving me insane. this remind me, im am terrified of infinity. of eternity. it makes me so anxious, and that's basically fear. right? fear doesn't have to be 'jump scare, boo ahhh im scared' it can be stress about what is not known. or in this case stress about all that can be known. just the sheer amount of everything that there is scares me. it makes me freeze. maybe immortality wouldn't suit me. maybe id go insane after a while bc of the never ending nature of that lifestyle. i think maybe ***** is a relief. that there is an end, is soothing. i still have conflicting emotions about artina. i think she's avoiding me and maybe there's something fundamental about me that is on her nerves. who actually cares, the feeling is mutual. so, eh. i wish i remembered more from last year. its embarrassing to say, honestly, but i don't remember ****, and it wasn't even actually a year ago. i wish i remembered all my conversations with artina so i could better tell how she viewed me and what part of myself i revealed that made her no longer be interested in getting to know me further. she used to ask so many questions. idk what changed. i miss second year us. our friendship. our convos. it is getting better tho, i dont mind. with best wishes, ur biggest fan saba <3 p.s. did you know i'm literally so pretty UwU