A letter from Aug 09, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If you’re still alive to read this, ngl I’m proud of you. You got balls. Cause as I write this, I’m 99.9% set on ******* myself. I don’t really ask anything of you. The old me would have started listing milestones and achievements that future me “should have achieved” but I genuinely no longer give a **** about any of that. I no longer compare myself to other people because it’s a game you’ll never win. I just hope you’re happy. If not that’s ok too. Whatever. As I write this, I don’t see the point of living. I also don’t imagine that something as profound as that wouldn’t clear itself up on its own. There are two likely outcomes here- if you’re reading this, you either did the work and recovered, or you spent even more time wallowing in your depression too afraid to end it. Or maybe there’s a secret third option. Either way, i just wanted to say hi. And I hope you made it to Brazil.

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 20 year old me,

I'm 23 now. Still kickin'. Choosing life.

There's not gonna be a moment where you wake up and suddenly everything is okay. You just get...

Drloe. Ilf,eeb heav for sudno nlseydud a a ruet as ro oyu imnd ni as htts'a neve ehra oyanerm houthgt ivdel nad a ouy glei,enf ruoy it and glon anc nosetd' pgssina emreebmr,. Nssdou it sdh'ilc iignlcazvo a teirh iekl feras ocvie. Eutnqsoi idtfieny louy'l to it potni eb elba ta nad this a tiarcne. .
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Sya sthi l'li. Lziaeer slwoly topin it ot all at vene lvei yolu'l ohw rdifueg etyh ftli, htteoger that nad eoms keil het olko uto, nghantiy uycalalt lppeeo hsa vahe will yobdon teh gineb. .
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Ouvye' bnee tnghis orhtugh. Rtue stha't. Eeihrdnd noncta toolrcn saw ruyo eud you aryse clcuiar nsveet udngir tnvoplemdee to ruoy. .
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Oyu ays oryu ls'et olehw atdhe for i,fel oeffec. Rheatevw it ryorplpe aeldenr ot ,oanser maek ofr you evren. Onarml hwo nbur ti in you ot ffeeco eoevhrw asw aemk esnba eht c,atf htutga to hguttho. Rof ortsa vgeni a mnae stih, adkr your'e. Adrk uyo ese hwrryeeeve no umesn tasor. Akoy. Omarnl hsit si. .
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Fro any ttha yerv deam dnnigirk yuo 'ntsi rfom urye'o ecefof sloa retdpevne olgnystr. Yhte dna teh lyno ltuaca repessos eorrcta isht somevi, uyo doog si eecfof nicmseha ro wrehe in oyln ecafs nrlueca ni exltl-enev sue tath sesuma. .
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Nya esod cnurert uoyr tno iaetryl eunaesv ofrfe yrt ot feoecf wen. New vene mdcetnee luylf uroy ,nwo gtryin fo fielebs atrfe no yvu'eo bclaepa yrou efoe,fc 'yerou. Syawla efli esog uyo no uoy the way ti dna akem eh,av.
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Ot neev yejon trats cfefeo meyba uoy ryou. I'st dgoo ioessmtem. Dwluo lla eoceff fciscpie bnyodo else fiel asndnedtur 'hytvee oryu nakdr ulsnes theri. .
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Ti bmseoec royu teyinidt. Awysal eb lwil ceapct atth you royu ecefof tbtrei. Uyo it 'tsi uesbeac new ltle like uyo gkianm bt,rtei yeusrofl pot airese a hnta. Ywa oethr 'yveou evern it nya dnoe.
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Rhsea to hwit uoy effeco neosmeo awnt. Soeemon lese to oirdsnec uyo edia orf absrud be the of ffeoce mikgan. Royu to tanw riknd udwlo efofce ondoby. .
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Feli no oges. Uoy otehr ffeeocs ytr. Kard ,rosta of uroces. Eecefenprr uryo. Enoyj it uoy. Nwo illst tub keam vryee uryo yuo roimnng. Ht'ast ohw ueabesc si it. Wtna you itmda ouy batou kwon it off tub oryu ot 'tdno is fcofee gtohnmeis tye. .
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Omse uyor ,syad taeh uoy fofeec. Htea ti rtuyl. Isllt it ti tbu iowtuht iemgnia oyu esubeac lfei rdink 'antc you. Oyu as ptocnce foecef a hvea dhar dgnudnenasirt sothylen eimt a eylrla. Ures be vnee sspedpou oodg to uroye' nto twha is coefef.
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Lebdn crsnoeid new oryu sepficic you pseceir rfo. All era dna htye yascr omcteicplad oto. Utp teh you aeid wond. Nbelds you at hetro oklo. This si arcisre.
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Eilf no egos. Emro uyo try fofece. Cfofee htrie teedhcwr to meos ofecr oyu nirdk itghm loeppe. Eltl to yuo eurfsoyl ti oyer'u usde ceabesu in,ef is't. Etstas ilek ursoy it. Tatess smseiemot serwo ti. They eles it h,sa utb inrkd oyu so ofr nda ti dbynoo adme yo,u.
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Aercitn ubsoiov at a teh laziree 'ulylo io,pnt. Itsh foecef is tnubr. Ryade who with a to otn wlil bpmloer ngdnirki ptos nrtbu hsit vahe cfoeef ear eelpop. Yhet leyiaeplsc it just oyu eamd if for. Ywa, ryt tedifnfer it t'dosen uyo a ialepxn anc daln uoy ubt it taht.
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On eosg ilfe. Wne spricee yrt to you tstra.
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Ingfgriu eimt tou vrey ardh ti have uyo a. Smimoseet n'dstoe emco otu ti odog. Sa a ttiuqign ohewl eefcfo irsocend oyu. Tjus ury'oe mabye. Emnat heva ffeeoc ot not. .
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Uyo feoefc to emka ilwl oreff oleppe. It do moesone ertfa atwh trlibere etl hte uoy aslt atth, eaenppdh eitm wsa. Ffoeec atnw yna ouy to'nd. Yuo anwt rabyel nwo uoyr.
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Nsooeme hersa hiwt mhet nda illw rtieh eon ou,y btu d,ya fceefo lwil you etl. Others fceefo uyo've dha mfro 'sti het ilke nto. Uyo ecrterae ton atlsnaiar poeh ttela some ot vnere doulc 'tis. It mdae eth ihnektc uoy osoeens'm snigu naseb seu swa in same. Elar ts'i. Ti's doog adn. Cufk as.
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To godo it oplibess feoefc yltulaca aeilzre vahe uyo si. Ts'i yuo neve fi. Cffeeo ehotsr 'sit pslbosie ruyo hiwt rahse ot. Lliw not roveeeny oruy kiel cffoee. Imdn uoy 'tdno.
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Agani icreatn uyo rwee ot were dknri noggi oen neerv ointp uoy cfefoe at atth. Focefe ntmdgtiai webr anigmk you ewre abd aigvnh uoy rtselued ezliera good htta atth chescio in tmnae htat a. .
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Ltssye ytr you wne. Lendsb wne. Even rkad oyu gania raots try. Atyclual can rasot uoy nad nad bhnoreacre a rakd edtffinatriee wnebeet a ealr utnbr. Lol.
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Swya failgni eietffdnr iuwtoth trfsi evenr wudlo in yuo ttah ta uaobt ot 200 hvea oegntt feofce ptino. Asw cfeefo a toguhht olas ?fpecter olt het nnsttia atth os swa epselp'o yuo bbay of throe cfefoe. Aaeeapspcnr enitgvhery ner'ta. .
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Teh slliiset si cna orfef i plxmaee fofcee the btu nithg yoslsibp. Me egt uyo.
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Lvoe yuo. Xo.

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