A letter from Aug 08, 2023

Dear reader, I'm going to write this letter to remind me of the things that I tend to forget but I HOPE that everyone who would read this would be doing good and happy in their life if not take a deep breath and go get yourself a glass of water (and maybe go for a walk if it's possible) and believe that you worth to be happy as well so appreciate yourself and smile because everyone is beautiful while smiling. PS: I ALREADY KNOW THIS WOULD BE LONG SO PREPARE YOURSELF AND ENJOOOOOOOY It passed the midnight and as always only in the night when I get inspiration to be creative but anyway I'm gonna start. In 2014 when I was 8 my older sister was 16 and my younger sister was 6 my dad or should I say the pillar of our house passed away and let that house full of powerless females who wasn't prepared to face the cruel life yet but we did or should I say again my mom DID. I remember when I saw the amount of people we had in our house in that night when we first knew that my dad won't be with us anymore I thought to myself "wow dad was such a lovely person for all those people to come to his funeral guess no need to be afraid because they would help us even when my dad is not her anymore" joke on you I didn't see anyone since that day but I'm not blaming them they have their own lives with their own problems so why should they be bothered by other people's lives and problems however there were some people who helped us not for a long time but again can't blame them. In the past 9 years my mom was that pillar of our house she was the mother who gave us love and care the father who gave us the protection and safety the sister who listen to our problems and the brother who gave us constant support and advice. In my eyes mom was the most powerful person I've ever seen in my whole life but as I'm growing I'm realizing how much effort she put to raise us well; how much pressure and stress she passed by to manage the money and offer us food clothing and a shelter; how much things she hold in her heart and didn't tell anyone just to never make us feel the need of a father; a lot of things to realize and think about but despite all the difficulties she passed by as a responsible mother I've never seen her complaining or crying I've never seen her weak before she only want us to study and be successful and happy in our lives. I did what she said study hard and I was happy to see her proud of me I WAS proud of myself too but in september 2022 my senior year started the year where all my 12 years of hardwork would be rewarded I was actually excited to start it and as always I worked hard or at least that's what I think. However in May of this year 2023 my mom went to the hospital because she had to do an urgent operation she had a heart attack. it was in the first week of May and that was the worst week ever because my final exams were in June and I was preparing for them but when I knew what happened to my mom I stopped working and started thinking several thoughts but here's a small description of what was inside my mind during that time: " My mom is in hospital... Wait my mom is in hospital??? why??? she was alright what happened suddenly?? why didn't I notice anything?? what if she died ??? what should I do ?? what shoud WE do??? neither me or my sisters can face this cruel life alone my mom was responsible of everything WE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER... if my mom died we need to work to get money but we've never worked!! WHAT about my studies?? should I drop out and start working?? but where can I work without a degree?? and what about my dreams?? I can't do this alone I NEED MY MOM!!! who's gonna correct me if I did something wrong?? who's gonna support me and be proud of me?? who's gonna teach me the lessons of life?? what is my dreams and my motivation without my mom?? WHAT IS MY LIFE WITHOUT MY MOM???" I can't remember how much hours my mom spend in the operation but all I remember is the relief I felt when they said the operation was successful and my mom passed the danger when I met her the first thing she said "don't be afraid I'm not gonna die today just focus in your exams remember the goals you want to achieve? You shoudn't give up you're stronger than that my daughter" that wasn't helpfull at all because I'm still thinking about my mom dying it's just like a moment of realization that even if she didn't die today or tomorrow but she would die someday and I don't know if I would ever be prepared for that day to come. However I restarted studying again but not in a high mood as before the three day of exams were HORRIBLE can't describe it more but I knew that I missed up everything was ruined that's not what I was expecting AT ALL. again I started thinking about my mom "I won't make her proud this time I won't compense her of all the things she does for us these whole years I'm a loser I shoud've worked harder my mom would be so disappointed I don't what I'm gonna do next MY LIFE IS A MESS" for a moment I thought like this but hopefully I pull myself together in the right time and didn't make those thoughts eat my mind. Today I still don't know what I'm gonna do next I forgot to say that I did graduated but not in the score that I wanted and expected that's why I'm taking a gap year (not really but anyway) to made up my mind and think about my future more clearly and more realistically and I hope to find the right path for me to achieve my dreams and be proud and satisfied with myself. to you who's reading this right now wherever you are whatever you do believe that you are amazing you did a great job so far you cried and spend sleepless nights to be where you are now you know? you should be proud of yourself !! don't blame yourself if you did something wrong you can learn from your mistakes more than your successes actually. If you've seen people successful by doing something that doesn't mean that if you did like them you would be successful as them know yourself your interests and values and start doing instead of thinking one day you would be happy. Money is important but not as important as a meeting with the family hang out with a friend and being surrounded by your loved ones. there would be a time where you would feel down and unworthy but believe me there would be a person or two who DO actually care about you and want you to be happy just reach out to them you won't regret it. try to be kind with others you don't know what other people are going through not just because someone's laughing that means they're happy. don't bottle up your feelings that's not good for your health just reach out to someone you truly trust they would listen. It's okey to start with small steps but what is not okey is not trying at all. and last but not least be gratiful of what you have and DON'T YOU EVER EVEEEER EVEEEEEER UNDERESTIMATE WHAT YOU CAN DO. PS: this took me 3 HOURS to write it didn't feel the time passing!!! PS 2: if you read till this you're such an incredible person and I appreciate you have a happy life stay hydrated and don't forget to smile beautiful human being PS 3: actually english is my third language so just ignore the mistakes and the misspellings I know that I made a lot of them and I'm not editing it because I loved it like this with lots of love I hope this letter would make your day and find you happier than ever AND HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY YOU'RE 20??? CAN'T IMAGINE HOW WOULD YOU LOOK LIKE GIIRL!!!!!! from your proud past self