A letter from Aug 05, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Currently working 40 hours a week at coldstone. Serving ice cream with teenage coworkers while secretly emotionally struggling and rethinking all the events in my life leading up to now. Mommy is God knows where, Nayak lives with dad, Zoya lives with her dad and Khayri and Mana with theirs. What keeps rolling through my mind is the fact that things will never ever be the same again. We're all growing up. I'm going to be an adult soon, as well as Nayak and my little siblings are not gonna be little for much longer. Zoya is 5 this year. I always wonder if my mom thinks about us and the fact that she left 5 kids behind. Not having a solid relationship with either of my parents haunts me and there's so much that I'd like to say to the both of them but I just can't right now. There's so much to consider. I have my entire life and adulthood ahead of me and I still haven't gotten anything figured out. I'm so worried about keeping my head above water and a roof above my head that I don't even know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life. I can't stop thinking about my family, everything I left behind and how ****** up my relationship is with both of my parents. The woman who was apart of my life for 16 years is now all of a sudden gone and has not said a word to me and might not for a while. And maybe I'm okay with that. Or maybe I'm not? I love her so much and always will but so many things about my childhood have permanently impacted me and I wonder how much of that is because of her. The sheer lack of regard and abuse is something unforgettable. I constantly wonder if I'm better off without her and if I should permanently love her from afar. My dad, a man who just came back into my life after never being a part of it has let me down and abandoned me in a way that deeply disappoints me. I wish I could express to him how disappointing this all is to me but it feels like a waste of energy and something that isn't plausible right now. I haven't even known that man long enough to have the same unconditional, undying love that I have for my mom. I KNOW that I will always love and protect her no matter what but for my dad it's a completely different experience. I don't even care enough about him to be hurt by him. This is just a failure on his part as a parent. This is morally and legally wrong. But with my mom it's so much deeper and more than that. That rabbit's hole is deeper and darker than anything my dad could ever make me feel. I know that no matter what I'll always forgive my mom and go back to loving her but with my dad I didn't even have enough time to forgive him for his first offense and then he goes kicking me out of the home that I didn't even feel like was my home. It's just all so painful yet I feel like I can't even feel any of it. I'm always working or at the gym or something and with school starting soon I'm slightly fearful. NO child should have to deal with any of this but here I am. I'm so upset with my parents for both letting me down so badly. They failed me. I'm also upset with myself. I know that I'm a bad person who's not lovable or worthy of it. I am not a good person and im deeply flawed and at fault for much of what has happened to me. I'm so guilty for so much and I feel so much shame. My siblings are something that I constantly think about and I was responsible for them at one point. I constantly feel guilty about not doing more for them. Those kids meant so much for me and I wish I could've been a better big sister to them. I want them to know how much I loved them. So much so that I constantly sacrificed everything for them. I put them before myself everyday which was a choice. I chose to do that and would choose it over and over again. But it's too late. It's all over. They're not here to love anymore. They're not little kids anymore and I can't nourish them and give all of me to them. The thing is, I know I'm a bad person. I've always known this. I've always had it proven to me and told to me. All of this ******** is my fault. The hatred I feel toward myself is something that I drown in everyday. I struggle to fight it. I feel hatred toward every single thing about myself. And it's deserved. I fear that I will spend the rest of my life alone. I can't love myself and I can't love anyone else. No one can love me. In terms of love I'm completely exhausted. I gave so my whole life. I gave so much love to those I loved. I have nothing for myself or anyone else. I want to be alone. Either way I deserve to be alone. My life right now is a result of all the choices I've made. I wasn't blessed with love. I wasn't blessed with parents who love me and are proud of me. I wasn't even blessed with parents who love each other. I'm completely void of love and want nothing to do with it. I want nothing to do with anything or anyone. All I want to do is get through life and survive and if I'm lucky maybe I'll feel some semblance of happiness along the way but I don't even deserve that. I'm a horrible person but I can't help it. I never know what to do with myself and I'm so hurt. I'm so deeply hurt about so many things. Im honestly still shocked about this whole situation. I feel so many ******* things that I can't even stop to feel anything. I'm completely suspended in time right now. I'm in a foreign state, living a foreign life and I have no clue how to feel. I just know that this is something that just is. I've never felt lonelier in my entire life but this is how I want it to be. I have such deep hatred and anger toward everything including myself. My entire inner world is shrouded in such intense feelings that one day I might just end it all. I have nothing to live for yet I have so much will to live. I keep going and going and going and working hard to no avail. I'm still where I am, ugly, unloved, abandoned, and with nothing to show for anything. I always wonder how I ended up in this situation and what I did to deserve this. How did end up with two parents who don't give a **** about me and completely fail me for my whole childhood. At heart I feel like a stupid child who's navigating so much but I'm forced to be like an adult. I wonder if the rest of my life will be like this. So lonely, always thinking and wondering and replaying every second of my life that has led up to now. Always working and working and working. Is this the way my life will always be? And then, a thought I have often, will I even be alive in the future? I always feel like I'll end up dead or having offed myself because with my luck that just might happen. Will life always be so sad? There's so many sad events and people and things and so much to be sad for bu at the same time... I feel like in every single situation there's something to be grateful for. There is ALWAYS something to have gratitude for. I'm so grateful to have had so many people in my life, at on point, that I cared for and that brought me happiness. I'm so grateful for all the joyful memories I made because I replay those in my mind over and over again to this day. I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to help raise my siblings and to be able to be their big sister. Even if I'm no longer a part of their life and even if they don't remember a single thing that happened, because to me, those memories and that part of my life will FOREVER be a part of me. They will forever be ingrained in my heart. I will forever have gratitude for the positive feelings I was able to feel at that time and I will forever have so much gratitude for those people. Currently, I'm grateful for the safety and health of all my loved ones. The fact that they are all okay and taken care of is enough for me. That's enough to make me feel something. Even if our little family is all shattered, if we're better off this way, then it's okay. Those years are so important to me and dear to my heart but now everything's different. I'm so grateful to have my needs met and to have a safe and satisfying way to sustain my lifestyle. I'm grateful for my job and I'm grateful that my circumstances aren't worse. I'm grateful to be near my brother and I'm So grateful that he is healthy and well. I'd be absolutely NO WHERE without that boy. He is my other half and life would not be worth living if he wasn't around. I am beyond grateful to call him my brother. My brother is someone who I don't know where I'd be without. The one consistent person in my life, although I don't live with him or see him nearly as much. I'm grateful to have a safe place to live. I'm grateful for all the traits my mother enforced and all the experiences that prepared me for providing for and taking care of myself. My whole life I took care of so many others and now I'm forced to finally take care of myself only. My life has drastically changed in every possible way and I'm left wondering if it will change even more. Has it?