A letter from Aug 05, 2023

Dear FutureMe, It’s 3am as I am typing this out, I was watching a video on tiktok and this showed website showed up on my FYP and I decided I should try it out. I’m currently 19 and I set this to send in 5 years. I honestly just want to reflect on everything that’s happened in 2022-2023 and things that I’ve been struggling mentally. I currently have my amazing boyfriend Hector, I hope I’m still with him by the time I get to read this but he has been with me for a short while now, almost 6 months and it’s been wonderful.. he’s helped me build as a person but I still have so much to work on but with him I know I’ll improve. My mom was diagnosed with cancer, I never really found out what kind of cancer she had but that was a really tough time for my family, but she’s healthy now and god forbid anything else happens to her. I completed two full semesters of college , my first year (!!) and I’m about to start my third soon. I hope by the time I read this , I’ve figured out what I’ve wanted to be. I remember wanting to be a veterinarian for the longest, but after Princess’ ***** I don’t think I’m strong enough for that so I’ve settled on Physician Assistant but I’m not sure about that decision but only time will help me. Anyway, best part about this year is my mom finally got her green card/residency and I’m just so happy and it’s such a weight lift off from my shoulders, just waiting for my dad to get his (hopefully soon.) We’re also traveling to Mexico soon to help my mom get her passport renewed and a transfer, it’s gonna be my first time on a plane so hopefully all goes well (you’ll know obviously.) Abdiel doesn’t come visit anymore, he doesn’t speak to me or look at me and I’m pretty sure he hates me and I think I hate him but I think I mostly miss him. Alrremi got locked up, a couple days ago I showed up to his hearing (court) , I’ve never been to court before but it was so boring but there were some interesting cases. It felt unreal to see him there in uniform and regardless of the circumstances, my brother is always smiling. I wish he would keep himself out of trouble because all I want is the best for him. Anyway, I’ve been struggling mentally and it’s really hard to figure out my place in life sometimes, I just think to myself “is this really all there is to life? Work, sleep, repeat? Am I gonna live rationing my money because everything in this economy is overpriced, unattainable? Everything is so much scarier now than when I was a kid, but that’s just reality, the real world.. our parents did their best to hide it from us. I would always say I wanted to grow up and adults would quickly object, I never understood why. Now that I’ve grown up, I see exactly why.. as an adult you have to deal with so much and there’s no one to protect from the heartache and the downfalls but yourself and sometimes it’s not enough. I’ve had to deal with family issues growing (almost everyone) my brothers getting in trouble, immigrant parents, restriction of my childhood (no holidays), health and even ***** of loved ones… these things make a difference in how you grow up and I guess I’ve let it all take a toll on me and my mental health and I acknowledge that I let that affect many of my relationships. Sometimes I reminisce on how things were when I was a kid and how I would shred the universe to it’s last atom to see everything from the perspective of a kid again… my childhood dog, my family all together in the same room, my toys, the shows, and when my only problem was getting up early for school but the issue is , I still internally am a child and all of this is scary.. growing up and growing apart from everyone is scary… but I’m learning to accept it, I’m learning to look forward to it. You (me) are enough, sometimes you might feel like you aren’t but you are. I know that when the time comes I will make amazing decisions for me and the people around me in my life that I love but most importantly for yourself, I love you Ashley.