A letter from Aug 04, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Are you still alive? To be honest, I'm just writing this on a whim, and don't understand the sentimental value it holds. I'm so struggling right now, with eating, with ocd and anxiety, with this enormous lack of sympathy sitting in my heart. I'm so tired of overthinking every two seconds, of not being able to concentrate whithout resorting to a million distractions. Even though I just made up with my parents, and I can feel happy more often, I just always fall back. Yesterday, I came back from a long day spent with mom where we had so much fun, then a car came toward, and the only thing on my mind at that moment was that I hope it'd hit me. Sometimes, I feel like nothing's real, I even asked my best friend last time if she was real and not a piece of my imagination. Sometimes i wonder if I'm more than just mentally unstable , that maybe I'm actually now confined in a white room and everything else's made up. Sometimes, I'm questioning whether I'm a sociopath or psychopath, whether I have Autism or ADHD. It just ***** me that I can't go to a psychiatrist anymore, before being diagnosed with ocd and anxiety, I haven't even told her half of what's in my head. However, now she lost the little amount of trust I had in her. And asking for another would result my parents in asking loads of **** again I'm not ready to deal with. Plus, I won't be able to tell her about suicidal thoughts anyways since I'm a minor. I have my cousin's wedding next week, I hope it went well for me. And more than anything, tell me I didn't flop in my studies? It's the only thing I can hold on to at the moment every when it's worm eaten ready to shatter. Will I even get into the universities I planned on applying to? Or will I forever remain this plain girl, with plain hobbies and a plain life. Did my looks change in any ways? Are my thighs still making me uncomfortable? Are my best friends still in contact? Oh I just remembered, I may still not be talking to my sister. What a joke. If I forgive her this time, I may as well be an angel sent from heaven. Did I buy the items I helplessly wanted? The ball dress, the mini camera, the expensive rings and jewerly, the limited edition of the crown prince? I firmly believe I still don't have any of those. Now you're supposed to be in university and it's your birthday. I'm not going to wish anything, it would be kind of cringe to say it to myself. Gosh, I hope I didn't become so much of an academic failure I couldn't go to college. May as well **** myself. Is your friend group still the same? And Also Love life? PLEASE TELL ME YOU AT LEAST HAVE A CRUSH LIKE DON'T TELL ME EVEN UNIVERSITY IS FULL OF ********* I don't want to be like 20 something and never ever even had a crush once in my lifetime Will I ******* ever find somebody that fits my standards??? At least I know I'd never lower them for anyone Oh OHHHHHHH TELL ME YOU AT LEAST WROTE THAT NOVEL??? IF NOT, I'M EATING THOSE PILLS LIKE I SHOULD'VE AT THE VERY VERY LEAST PUBLISHED SOMETHING NO???? SHOULDN'T I HAVE??? Will you ever get popular by the way? Like, am I still labeled as a closed up ***** that never cheats on exams or with schoolwork? Or have they finally realised I'm a ***** WHO VALUES HER PRINCIPLES BY DEPENDING ON HER OWN KNOWLEDGE AND THAT DATING ********* THAT ARE NOT MY TYPE PLUS NOT ACCEPTING DISRESPECT DISGUISED AS JOKES MEANS I'M A ******* CATCH???? Gosh They're ******* blind Man I just realised What if my life is a *******, rotten mess when this letter arrives? I don't know if I'll be pissed, sad, frustrated or laughing like there's no tomorrow. Well anyways, if I have anything else to say, I'll just send another letter, unless they make me pay. So, unless again you living like **** without academic success YOU GO GIRL SLAY THOSE CLASSES YOU'RE ******* TURNING 18 TODAY I BETTER BE WEARING A ******* STUNNING DRESS WITH THE MATCHING JEWERLY (Happy birthday girl♡ Hope you're not alone on your birthday )