A letter from Aug 04, 2023

Dear FutureMe, 9:56pm-10:27pm. it’s the last friday of our vacation. i’ve been planning to sleep early since the start of vacation but i ruined it. every 10pm i have been suffering from mixed emotions and i hate it so much because i will end up staring at the ceiling, scrolling through my phone and sleep at 3/4am. i will just fall asleep if i played music and cry for a while. i think i just started grieving from everything because i still owe myself the time to grieve that i’ve been escaping a long time ago. i already grieved my dream course last night. and tonight, i am grieving for those people that i lost. i really hate my attachment issue because it’s so hard for me to let go of the moments we made. russel, my super bff cut off us on 2021. well he’s been ghosting our group chat for almost 2 months eve if we’re classmates (online class). i thought he just needed a break from socializing because i saw that he’s been suffering from depression. until one night, he left on our gc’s. he left us a not so unexpected message. he’s cutting ties with us. i literally cried while asking him why, i begged him to stay or of not, he can still comeback to us. for almost 4 years of friendship, he ended it. i still respect his decision and tried to move forward. but i was so devastated since he left, i wonder if why god needed to take him away from me—is there something wrong with me? is it my fault? a months passed, he posted that we were happy without him. no, it feels so incomplete without him. he was my favorite human. after a years, we met again at college fair, i hugged him so tight and saying that i missed him so much. after a weeks, my one friend added him on our gc and they even bonded at school without me (i’m busy at school since each of us has separated schools). i was so happy, but then he left again after a days. i guess, he will never comeback again. to russel c, my panda human, i escaped the grieving of our friendship, you made my high school life so happy and memorable. thank you for everything. i guess i need to let go of the memories we made together. i never thought that we will end up being strangers again. help me to grieve and heal.:) you were the best of all. i love you. until the sky cross our path again, i’ll smile to you and tell that you were my best human. goodluck to your journey sel. to my future me, i hope you’re already done with grieving from everything. i wish that 10 pm will be a good time to sleep. don’t blame yourself for losing him. there’s a time that people need to cut us for their own mental being. you’ll heal in time. ilysm.<8 love, me.