A letter from Jul 31, 2023

Dear Future Me, I need to talk to you. I know you always have a kinder and more protective view on me than I do and right now I just need someone to rely on, to comfort me and just someone ready to listen (or read) without judging or pity me. As always, I bottled up too much and now I feel like it's too late to talk to anyone about what's bothering me. My emotional bottle cracked today, I felt like crying too many times for different things I thought I already copped with. I knew it was time to talk to you. I saw a video of a Japanese girl saying how good it felt to be back in japan surrounded by people who looks the same as you and not feeling alienated. It hit hard maybe too much bc I just came back from Pakistan where I met my dad after 22 years. The first day was ok, I was tired so I didn't feel much except my swollen feet. The second day I was really happy to discover a new culture, we went shopping and I met family members even if it was weird and even if I couldn't communicate with many people it was fine, the language barrier was bearable at that point. The next day, the euphoria faded away, it was the start of a pretty bad experience. For 2 weeks we stayed there, I felt like I wasn't welcomed, I was too dark for them , too fat, not sociable enough, not as good as my sister bc she can speak a little bit of Punjab and Urdu. I wasn't jealous though, the only good thing there was seeing my sister happy and smiling, she looked happy to reunite with that side of her heritage and I know she needed that. I felt a little better at one point bc I realized that I didn't really care about the opinion of people I just met literally 2 days or 2 months before. I've been building my own person for 22 years without them and their opinion shouldn't make me doubt myself. Nonetheless it was still hard staying surrounded by so much bad energies fr, the faked smile, the judgement in their eyes. Even if that was my anxiety talking it was still hard. The fact that I'm not even close to my other side of the family because I'm too European or not Arab enough made it harder bc I was sitting there on the ground thinking about where I really feel accepted and the answer was my house and my prayer mat, not even my home country bc of racism and islamophobia. So yeah I felt really lonely. But still I really tried to be as energetic, smiley and happy on the outside bc I didn't want to ruin my sister's experience so my energy at the end of the trip was realllllly low. Anyway I thought that I was fine with it, that I overcame it, now and I guess I'm not totally over it. ;') Later today, I cried again. I was thinking about my therapeutic drawings, the one I do about traumatic/bad experience (idk if you still do it but that's really helping, I have to put them on paper to materialize them and that enable me to cope) . I realized that I didn't do the one about Pakistan (which might be why it still heart that much) and I didn't do the one about the man who harassed me on the train. Thinking about the latter made me shake, I relived everything while trying not to show anything because I was not alone in the room at that moment and I didn't want anyone to see me cry or something. I remembered every threat the man said, his red eyes, him trying to touch me, me praying in my head, him screaming, him trying to take my headphones off, me screaming, him saying he was gonna rape me, me running to another seat as soon as I got the opportunity, me crying as I try to call the RailSecurity. Even writing everything make me cry rn, I felt so vulnerable and weak. I need a hug, someone to talk to idk but it was so long ago (6 monts ago idk) and I didn't have the opportunity to talk to someone back then. And now, in my head, talking to someone about this sound like I'm too dramatic. The same goes for the Pakistan problem I feel like I'm making a big deal out of it and people would misunderstand me or minimize the problem if I tell them. This letter was my last resort. I listened and watch content of Stray Kids to change my mind and that kinda worked, they made me laugh a bit. I'm currently listening to Chan and Changbin singing "Eyes,Nose,Lips" on loop while writing this. I think I'm gonna go take a shower to cry. Considering the fact that everyone is at home that's really the only place I can go cry in private. I hope you read this while being in a good place mentally speaking. I don't want to make you feel worse. I hope that you're doing good, that you take care of yourself, that you maybe got some help. Please send me a hug or a kiss on the forehead haha... XOXO The Young Broken Version Of You hehe (If I decide to post it publicly and someone got to the end of that HUUUGE letter. Thank you. I hope you're happy, safe and sane. I hope you have someone to talk to, a friend, Allah (God), a family member, or your Future self. Spread good energy and be healthy my (virtual) friend ! )