A letter from Jul 31, 2023

Dear FutureMe, hello, see i don't want every letter i send you to be about school but unfortunately i predict that for the next year you will be receiving weekly letters that the contents of i can summarize with this sentence: i didn't study as much as is required of me this past week and here are a list of reasons why i wont study enough this following week either. anyway the school requires us to leave in a weekly schedule of all the hours we studied that week. they put a summary of all the students schedules on a board in our hallway. last time i bothered to check the highest number i saw was 49 hours weekly :| i have no idea people do that ****. as far as my investigations go, basically the two friends i asked said that they lied on their paper. for some reason i feel like the mf that studied 49 hours didn't lie about it. either way when i calculated the number of hours i studied last week, it didn't even get to 7. we could say 8 to be EXTRA generous and that is not good. we saw the results of this yesterday where we had an exam and i scored a -6% yea i don't have any excuses bc later i tried to solve the problems with out the pressure of it being an exam and i STILL couldn't solve ****. lets hope i do better this week. other than that we have things like josef is ignoring me and is probably upset about some arbitrary and irrelevant and just unnecessary thing, or maybe he's just busy. idk how to feel about this. on one hand its good to get some breathing room every now and then and on the other shouldn't i miss him? or should i feel guilty or apologize? what if this year becomes the year were finally separated bc i wont have anytime at all to upkeep our friendship or will this be just like another one of our breaks and in a month or once this is over we will be inseparable besties again. idk we'll see how things go. i have a maximum of 2 to 3 friends, one of them being josef, and artina, whos also one one of the only people i ever talk to, is apparently also upset with me. or should i say i used to talk to bc we've been ignoring each other for a week now basically and i miss her. kinda. i don't even know how this happened. i was upset with her first, why is she upset with me now. the audacity this ***** has. and i got upset in the first place bc, either i was on my period or just hadn't slept enough, and i walked up to her and bahar when they were making noise and she turned to me and said you are not welcome in this conversation, and like babe, what makes you think i wanted to talk to you at all, and i just walked away, and didn't talk to her for the rest of the day, and she tried to figure out what was wrong and i kinda ignored her and now she's ignoring me, and she's upset with me and i miss her, but at the same time i'm petty so if you don't want to talk, we wont talk. side eye. maybe she's just giving me space bc she thinks i'm upset and that ill get to her once i'm ready to talk but that's a reach so. i just miss how she was though. now she's blatantly ignoring me. i kinda miss last year too. where she played therapist with me, dragged me to the side and asked me to talk and i never did, but i miss those times and i miss her and i'm starting to think maybe i should go take a nap bc this isn't normal for me. i don't feel this much for people usually, and its only been a week girl, its whatever, its not like yall were that close to begin with. i'm just scared that maybe our bond isn't as strong as my friendship with josef is and maybe it won't stand against my stubbornness and it will crumble and i will loose the only friend i've managed to actually make in these three years that i actually like and at least it seems like she likes me too, or used to before i decided to be me and ruin things and :( i'm not upset with her anymore but idk if i can mend the rift that i've caused. she's just so brilliant and amazing, responsible, caring and kind and she can be a little stupid at times and we cant agree on **** but shes so much better than me and idk if i deserve her as a friend at all bc im mean and my tongue has thorns and she tolerated me for a while so maybe she's fed up and ugh why am i crying i really need a nap. you know so many people are good. like her. but not enough are persistent enough and i'm so good at pushing people away and im sure id think so fondly about so many people if i had just let them in but i haven't so i don't have that many people. but she was good. she's great. she didn't give up on me. for a short while there she managed to break through to me but maybe i am righteous is my self isolation, bc as soon as she saw what's inside she was scared away. worst part is we aren't even close. i have no right to expect anything from her or feel this upset at all. idk what im gonna do. ig for now i can at least ask josef whats up. also my physics teacher is built diff. she is a super human, and i think i've added her to the list of people i admire. and not bc i want to be anything like her, i just think she has earned it and deserves everyone admirations. i feel like i owe her my admiration. i wish i was one these people who can operate with three hours of sleep. unfortunately i need at least 14 hours of it a day to feel remotely ok. the original plan i had was too tight i'm a month into it and **** i'm no where near done. so we're extending it by a year. instead of january of this year were doing it november the year after. so now i have time to not worry and worry later :) ikr i'm so efficient. either way i need to put my maximum focus on my studies this year so next year i can work on the rest. for example i have to stop procrastinating, like i'm doing rn, and go study. sorry if that made no sense nothing about my situation rn makes any sense xxoxxo but thats not all (still procrastinating xoxo) the wanderer has a banner out and i wont get him i just know it fine ill stop ig with so much love saba your cutest pen pal p.s my mom through my stuff in the washing machine again and it ruin every thing n my pockets >:( p.s. im too tired to edit this and make sound better so deal with the hundred sos and ands and buts <3 and with the terrible punctuation p.s.. erm i just realized i missed a week lol. last weeks letter will arrive a week late oops sry