A letter from Jul 29, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hey. this letter is being sent on July 29, 2023 in the midst of panic. i have finished seventh grade and am about to go into eighth. i know this letter may not seem important but i really need to get some stuff off my chest and there's no better way to do this than send it to an older version of myself. i feel like crying and deleting everything i've already written right now because i really don't want to tell anyone but here it is: I'm in love. I'm in love and every one knows about it. John Clay has stolen my heart since 5th grade and i can't deny my heart any longer. I'm not going to tell him because he already knows but i am going to tell you this: i don't know how to control myself. i look at him and i just want to melt into his arms and relieve all the stress that's been building up inside of me. i just want to feel his presence and know that i have someone that cares. i know this doesn't sound like that big of a deal but i'm currently battling adhd, ocd, a feeling that just makes me want to curl up into a ball on my bed and cry for all eternity, a bombardment of insicurity, and a whole ton of social anxiety and stress on top. i just don't know what to do anymore. i've recently fixed my schedule to read the bible everyday and it's helped me more than i could ever imagine. i know the Lord has a plan for me and he will help in every way possible so please don't give up on him. i know i keep changing topics and going off track but i just have so much more to say. every day for the past 3 months i've been crying for no reason. this is a weird thing to say but i'm saying it to tell you that crying doesnt make you weak, it proves that you're strong. people don't like to cry because they think it's a bad thing but it's not. so cry. let it all out. high school is going to be rough but trust me, nothing good ever comes out of bottling your emotions up. and i'm talking from experiance on that one. at our 13th birthday party i had to hide under a blanket because i just started sobbing for no reason at all. but the best part is, John and Olivia knew and didn't judge me. they understood that i'm having trouble with expressing my emotions. people ask if im ok and i say yes evn though im not. almost every smile is fake and im having trouble keeping them up. i know i should get help but i really dont feel like opening up to someone. now that that's over with lets get on with the normal stuff! (my only healthy friend relationships are with John Clay Harrel and Olivia Jansen. i have other "friends" but i only call them that so my mom doesn't worry about me socially (our current dog is Charlie and he's 6 years old right now (my favourite movie(s) are every single Marvel movie before Endgame (except for Spiderman of course) as well as some of the series (Falcon and the Winter Soldier, WandaVision, Agents of Shield, Moonknight, and some of the others) (my favourite books are Shadow and Bone, Inheritance cycle, Inheritance games, all the Rick Riordan books except for Kane Coronicals, KOTLC, and pretty much any fantasy book known to man (my Celebrity crush is Tom Holland (my favourite avenger is Spiderman (i dont have a fav song so imma skip that part (i want to be an aerospace engineer and go to TX A&M (i still sleep with brown licorice (i have the blue dragon john gave me at the valentines dance sitting by my bed and i say goodnight to it every night (me and john have a nightly tradition of seeing who stays up the latest and saying goodnight at unholy hours of the night (i have an unhealthy obsession with Marvel, Percy Jackson, and Space (classic middle schooler? its weird but my Percy Jackson phase is coming back randomly even though it's been months since i've read one of the books) (i'm currently halfway through the Six of Crows and i'm enjoying it thouroughly that's it!! it's getting late and tomorow's sunday so i should probably go to sleep astrick signing off