A letter from Jul 27, 2023

Hello Future Me, I wrote exactly three words before my eyes started tearing up. I know this is supposed to be a happy letter of writing about what I want you to look like. But I can't.. I'll explain why, my life isn't going that good and it never really has. I know I've never truly been happy in my life. Of course I've had my moments but they were just that exactly, moments. Now I want to remind you of how I am feeling right now as I write this (although I doubt you'll forget but I'm hoping it gets better)I'm tired and I've been tired for so long. I’ve tried to change everything about myself and my thinking in many different ways because I didn't like who I was and I wanted to change. Some things made life worse of course so I kept changing and I think I'm going to keep doing so. I don’t hate this version of myself right now but I don't love it either. I like my way of thinking now, I'm so understanding that I don't hate people for doing what they do even if I don't agree with it. I understand every side of every story, I'm very self aware and hate conflict and try to avoid it at all cost. What I don't like are my actions and my mind. I can’t get myself to do what I need to do and try to avoid my responsibilities for as long as I can and struggle with it at the last minute. I hate suffering through that anxiety and the depression I feel now. I don't want to keep struggling with staying alive for others. I don't want to keep feeling like everything I do in life is a chore. Something I have to do instead of something I want to do. I want to, want to be alive. I want to be happy to be alive. I want to live my life instead of feeling like I have to for others. I always get discouraged easily and as much as I hate it I'm very sensitive. I also try so hard and usually am able to convince everyone around me I don't care. I pretend I don't have extreme social anxiety and that I don't feel like dying when I see people or when I'm next in line or when I'm even in line. When I'm forced to do something in front of people I get angry because crying would just make the anxiety worse. I'm so tired of always forgetting everything because all I think about in every moment of my life is how I walk through life. Constantly thinking about whether anyone is really looking at me or if they talk about me or if they are judging everything I do. I have to make sure i don't walk weird or talk weird or look weird and i have to make sure no one knows i don't know what i'm doing and make sure i have everything ready and not bring any attention to myself. I am constantly thinking about these things. I easily forget what I did that day, week, etc. im exhausted of pretending i dont have depression or that “it's not that bad” i always make people laugh, try to make everyone's mood better when it becomes **** because if i don’t my mood becomes **** right with them and then everyone has a bad day. I am constantly validating people and helping them as much as I can with their struggles because I know what it's like to hold it in. I always listen to people vent and worry about their lives more. I put everyone first because to me I am nothing. How I wish I loved myself. How I wish I validated myself as much as I do everyone else. How I wish I could just be happy. I want to let go of everything bad and everything holding me back and I desperately want to let go of the past. And i know, “things get better with time” i've heard that literally all my life and i've tried to convince myself that it's true but it hasn't gotten better so how much more time do i give it before i completely give up on myself? When will I stop caring about sparing everyone's feelings and put an end to it? I don't want it to come to that truly i don't. I know it doesn't sound that way and it sounds like I'm only waiting for something to push me off the edge but I'm secretly hoping nothing will. I want to live a beautiful, fun and healthy life. I want to make life of my own and I want to have a family of my own and create what I didn't have growing up. Also I know I secretly compare my life to others and what they accomplish and how they are doing to what I haven't accomplished and what I haven't done. Even when I tell myself it's okay, I know I have my own path and time to do what I need to do. I'm always secretly panicking thinking I'm not doing anything and taking longer than usual especially with school because the class I graduated from high school will graduate with bachelors next year and I don't even graduate with my associates next year. So future self, please im begging you be better, do better please im begging you be happy, build your life. Please live for yourself. I hope with all my heart that you are becoming the person you want to be. That happy person, the healthy person. I hope you are able to release that stress you put yourself through everything. Be able to go to the coffee shop and order a coffee inside without anyone accompanying you and without sweating your *** off because of the many people there. Please take your time and don't rush all the time. Don't always recite everything you're going to say before you say it. Don't put our mind through that constant stress. Please be spontaneous and dont always plan out every second of the day and every word you're going to say. Don't go by a script pre-planned in your head. Live in the moment and don't worry about anyone or anything around you because it's a close 100% chance that no one is giving you a second thought. If you find yourself not wanting to do anything sometimes it's okay. Take a day to breathe but if you do. Don't constantly think about everything you need to do because then that defeats the purpose of relaxing. If you mess up it's okay don't beat yourself up over it because i know i do now. Please let go of your mistakes faster and move on. If you need to be in school longer it's okay. Do not do not ever think you are behind. I know that by the time you are reading this you will be further than you are now and we might now feel like it in the moment but I want you to realize that we are once you read this. Please be better please please please. I'm going to try my hardest to be better so you have to be better! I know there's going to be things we are struggling with at all times. That's life but I don't want us to be stuck in the same spot for a long time. I hope you learned how to move on from things you can't control. I know I'm still stuck on things I couldn't control in the past but I really hope you’re not. The crazy thing for me is that I'm writing this letter to you in my Chicago Airbnb at 12 am on July 27, 2023. I am really curious to know where i'll be in a couple of years when i read this or if i'm even still here.please love all versions of us. Please love us in the past, present and future. Please love us unconditionally with all our flaws. Please be healthy and please heal from everything you don't talk about because I know that I can't do that now so maybe you can. I love you. Please have a great life. Goodbye. From the 20 almost 21 year old me to the 23 almost 24 year old me.