A letter from Jul 22, 2023

Hey Matthew, So I guess that I'm crying tonight. It's weird, cause I can't stop. Usually when I cry, I only cry for a few minutes. Maybe one minute. And then my emotions are no longer intense enough to keep it going. You probably still get this. If crying longer becomes more of a permanent thing, then I empathize. I understand. I can't say I'm sorry, cause its not my fault that I'm *** and have been through the worst part of God's kingdom on Earth. On the other hand, it's kinda my fault, cause I choose to love people like I do even though it hurts the way it does. But I'm still not sorry, cause loving is worth it. No hear me out, it really is. Even though I'm still crying, I'm happy. I mean, I did it. I talked with Alec yesterday. On his bed. About how he has to make his girlfriend his first priority over me. And I very confidently and honestly told him to go for it. That I'm happiest when he's happy. That I'm happy that he has someone else who's more important and makes him smile like I can't. And I meant it. I'm sitting here sobbing and happier than I thought I could ever be in this situation. I didn't think I had it in me to love him and really all my friends enough to say this and step back. But when it came down to it, it was the only thing that made sense to me. The only thing in my heart. And so, I think I'm going to be able to really do everything I can for them, including walking away from what we used to have. Even if it breaks my heart, because it's best from them. I hope that you have found something to sustain you. If not, then I'm sure you live in a lot of beautiful pain. The truth is, I have no idea whether you'll get this message, because emotions might claim you someday. I know I think about ******* you every now and then. More often now than usual. But it's not okay to **** you, even if it's at the point where our path join. You have a right to live, don't you Matthew? Haha, well I guess I'll have to promise not to do that. At least then you can read this and then I'm not just talking to a screen. Well, I guess that's all I have to say at the moment. I think I'll write again when I'm in a better mood. Let me know if you ever go back to California. I wonder if you think it's worth it. I reckon you will, but you never know. Alright, well, sladké sny I guess. Hope you pass a message on to the next Matthew. - with a little too much love Matthew