A letter from Jul 20, 2023

Dear FutureMe, hey you. its been a LONG TIME. 10 years. I dont need to recap what youve gone through. We would rather not. its funny looking back at your old notes. you had the right idea, but, you couldnt follow through. you thought you were in love, but, you would learn tenfold about love and heartache, beyond anything you could predict. its weird that years later i think about love and the person I am, and youre always brought back to that person and that experience that literally broke you. I wish I was stronger, but, its always lingering, its changed me forever as a person, and I just have to move forward with what ive learned in therapy, and about myself, and about others. other people are not that person. youve dated too much. youve given too much. I understand it though. you just want acceptance and love. Youre weak. you probably always will be. alone is scary. weve been alone too many times. too much. too long. we deserve more. i will probably die alone. haunted by my lifes memories. I try to accept that. I try to be okay with it. ironically life is GOOD right now. youve been in probably the healthiest relationship ever for almost 3 years. Joey is the most patient caring and loving person. When I wrote in 2011 I would find him, I just didnt know it would take over 10 years. we always talk about what if we met sooner. what kind of person would I be. would we love the same? everything you do affects everything else in your life. you dont notice it but it does. i last wrote in 2012. I had many jobs, I was fired, I was unemployed, I was on the verge of eviction, I thought I was in love (many times) I was treated poorly. I made new friends, I lost alot of my old ones. I ache for the days when I had constant plans and texts and friends, but, I have to accept everyone has moved on with their life. Kids, Marriage, ect. Sometimes I just want to go back, just for a day to feel that ******* rush of fun. this letter is going all over the ******* place. Its like word vomit of every sad regretful thing I can think of to pour onto some online server of memories. i guess this is like a 10 minute therapy session thats going to come back to me in 3 years and probably make me hate myself. we lost grandpa and we recently lost grandma. the world is different. I am mostly okay, it dosent set in actually until I start to talk about it. They were my constants. Grandma held this ******* stupid family together. I miss her, I always will. When im dying alone, I will think of her. Probably noone else. again, I am ok right now! I am happy. Its weird how the negative and the sad always come in waves when youre asked to write something to yourself or about yourself. i wonder if ill ever be genuinely truly happy. I wonder if in 2026 I get this letter and I laugh at this post. I dont have any hope for that, but, its nice to think. i am 41. ive learned alot. ive lost alot. ive done alot. ive loved alot. i guess ill see you in 3 years.