A letter from Jul 17, 2023

dear me, hi, i've made this so it sends on our 18th birthday. time seems like its flying by when truly i'm living out every second of every minute that goes by. i hope things work out for us. right now its july 17th 2023. it's the summer before my junior year of high school. its been just over a year since me and her broke up, but as you probably will remember i am still deeply in love with her. i have this small sliver of hope that when she graduates she will go to college somewhere closer to me. i know this is stupid to have hope for but i really wonder if things could work out if we were near each other. all of today i've been going on websites like unsent project archive, space email, and gentle earth where you send out anonymous messages to random people on the internet. i've read some extremely romantic things and some really sad things. i think i've gone through those stages of my teen years already but also i'm just starting my teen years. i feel like i'm rushing everything and i don't know if i'll have time to sit and enjoy the little things. i'm not even 16 yet and i feel like i'm being pressured to act like i'm 20 and everything depends on what i do now. i know that if i wanted to stop doing everything i could, but also the fear of me ruining my life by not working hard now scares me. i fear that junior year i'll come face to face with my potential and my motivation. i know i have the potential to do amazing things but my motivation is ******. i can barely push myself to get out of bed and the only reason i'm working hard now is because i feel inadequate for my family. both of my brothers are working so much harder than me and are achieving great things already and my parents are pushing me to work harder and i don't think i can do it. i really hope i stay with my sport and i really hope i can reach the potential that i have but i just know my burnout is going to reach me eventually. i'm just so scared of when it does. i don't want to write too much but maybe i'll keep writing these letters. i just really hope i'm still alive to get them. cause for a while i didn't want to make it to my 18th birthday but here i am writing a letter to my 18 year old self. i really hope things work out for me and i hope i get help and i hope i don't push myself to my breaking point. i'm sorry in advance if i **** things up for you. - 15 year old you.