A letter from Jul 10, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Here I sit at the dog park, after work, writing to you hoping to predict the future. Or remind you of the past. So what, it's 2026 holy ****. I hope **** is still your favorite word. Right off the bat, I have to know. What happened with you and Ben? Do you still love him? June 24th, 2023, your first kiss. I hope you don't go another 2 years without kissing anyone. OMG, ARE U STILL A VIRGIN?? Dying to know how that one plays out. Okay, time for the stuff that matters. I had to get the Ben stuff out of the way quickly because it's recently been heavy on my mind. Let's reflect on where you currently are. It's obvi July 2023, you have freshly graduated college, and you have no life plan. You don't even have a full-time job yet. Great, now I'm crying. The embarrassing part is, 2022 and 2023 thus far, have not been nearly as bad as some of your other years. Although 2022 was rough. Period. And a lot of that was caused by your obsession with men, followed by the fear. Do any of these names ring a bell? Drew Vogelpohl, Colin Kelly, Robert Kanarowski, Ben Wessel, Jack Vorreuter, Austin Nupp, Scott Kiener, Richie Hailstone. God I hope not, I hope this is long behind you. Thanks to the recent discovery of BPD and Bipolar on top of MDD and Anxiety we are medicated. U know because I'm assuming we've been on them for quite some time now. Right now I am on Zoloft, lamotrigine, and Wellbutrin. Loving the improvements of modern medicine. As of today, I decided I am on the way to being happy. Not even happy, content, content is much better than happy. That is part of what made me want to write to you today. Today was the first day that I woke up and wanted to get up, actually wanted to get dressed, and wanted to shower. - - Okay I'm back, sorry it's been a few hours. I was watching Inception with Ant, pls tell me if u guys are still friends, still having movie marathons, and still using Letterbox. Anyways, let me return to my train of thought from earlier. TODAY I FELT GOOD. Now I know what you may be thinking, Leah don't I feel good every day? 2023 you would have to disagree whole heartily. The last 12 months have put you through the wringer. Let us start with Aunt Amy dying (******) in July 2022 and having one of the saddest funerals ever. August you moved back down to Columbus in your first apartment. I wonder where you're living now. Anyways September you almost hooked up with drew vogelpohl and then he ghosted u so that sucked. Let's not forget you went on your first date with one Robert kanawroski and then got ghosted. September was rough. October, I can't remember much off the top of my head but I know I ****** my shoulder up that month. November, not one single memory huh? At least not a bad one. I'm not going to sit here and make you relive all the bad moments of your senior year of college. I'm here to let you know that no matter what happens you have always made it out okay. Let's not forget in August you were lounging by the pool and walking around campus with your best friends. September you saw Harry Styles's front row in New York City. October you rode on a plane for the first time and flew to Colorado. November you were able to see lots of family and friends you hadn't seen in years. December you got Alfie. January, you began to rekindle your relationship with Shayne. February we celebrated Brody and Emma's birthday while she was here. In March, in March we had a bar crawl, spring break, Claire's birthday, Anthony's birthday and so much more. April, Shayne, and Lexi's birthday for starters. Lots of good memories in April, specifically watching Shayne take a cup of water into the men's bathroom at Little Bar to give to Rocco Vorreuter while he was throwing up two cases worth of twisted tea. May, you graduated college. YOU. GRADUATED. COLLEGE. I wish there was a way to write letters to my younger self, and tell her that everything will always work out. You are exactly where you are meant to be in life. After you graduated you went on vacation with Lexi, you accidentally got your lips both ****** up and fixed. June, June was AMAZING. Let's go on a journey to June 2023, You got a new car. New to you at least. Sprinkz a 2017 blue mini clubman. Do you still have her? Ok, u caught me u technically got her at the end of May but I'm using this as a segway into an amazing month. Urban got its new store, you started working there more again. Your friend group met Simon for the first time. Simon your post-grad roommate, your friend group, Claire, Nick, Ben, Sam, Anthony, Brody, and Brayden although he was there in Spirit. Bronde Culture had its grand opening!! You saw Lexi in Kent. IT WAS YOUR 21ST BIRTHDAY! And that only happens once. Mom Elisha and Shayne came down. Then Claire, Sam, Marley, Nick, and Shayne joined us for a night out, which was very kind because it was a Tuesday. and then it was Taylor swift. Taylor ******* swift. god, I hope you were able to see her again. I bawled to Maathbp as the opening song and barely stopped crying all night. Happy tears duh. Then you went on a little lake family vacation with Maddy Shayne and Lexi. That was super fun although it rained, but we were able to make the most of it. Then back to Columbus just like that! It's Saturday, June 24th at Out-R-Inn. You, Anthony, Claire, Iman, Nick, and Ben. My first time in our as a 21-year-old. Also, my first time seeing Ben all summer. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. After a long night of taking a million pics, don't believe me? check snap memories. Anyways you and Ant were playing a game of pool, against two random grown-*** men. They were lowkey weird and so for that next hour Ben and I pretended he was my boyfriend. It was a good hour. After the game, ur outside talking w Ben and I think Anthony, all of a sudden and is gone. It's just you and Ben. And you are scared. Like heart thumping eye watering dry mouth scared. Obvi u have ur womanly intuition and can read the room. he is either A. going to ask u out or B. kissing u ... if u guessed B Congratulations!! Although it didn't go down exactly like that. Let's reminisce, god I don't even remember how the conversation started but I know we're outside and I am on the verge of tears saying we cant we cant we cant, it'll ruin our friendship it'll make things weird. (Past you wants to know what up now) Anyways you move over to the bench, mind u u hate PDA, or at least past u did. Anyways after more talking and reasoning and u telling him that you're ******* crazy and u know haven't kissed a guy in two years, the next thing u know ur making out with your best friend in the middle of the bar patio while all of your friends watch from afar. Let's not forget two things, one I told him I was scared because I couldn't be the girl who married her first boyfriend and he said why not, that changed a lot inside me. Well, it hasn't been weird so far, it's July 10th BTW. After the kiss he bought u a drink, the bar is so low I know. You might be thinking, Leah why are you writing about this small experience and turning it into a ******* novel. Well as noted above it had been two years since I kissed a man, and I was black out drunk. I hadn't kissed a guy and remembered it since like Josh Williams. Other than Anthony obvi. Anyways it took a lot for you to kiss him, I remember thinking how proud of myself I was for making that step. ok yeah, I was a little tipsy but I still did it. and remembered it!! anyways it's also been weighing on my mind a lot. So I'm using this as some sort of crutch, or a journal. I want to know how I will feel in 3 years writing this. Because I am currently sitting here, July 10th, 2023 at 10:58 pm crying because I am too scared to date my best friend. Yet here I am reading a future my article on how to write a letter to your future husband. Because I'm scared and I don't know what else to say. I cannot picture myself in any way with a man or in a relationship. I am like 99% sure I'm not *** but honestly at this point who knows? If this is the way I feel with my best friend I wonder how I can move on with my love life in the future. I don't even know if I love Ben, I know I like him but I can't put a finger on what I love about him. Ok, I'm sure I could but that feels awkward rn and I'm not quite ready to be completely honest with you yet. Back to being scared, I just can't get over it. A part of me knows that I obviously do want to be with him, the fear reminds me the feelings are real. Another part of me is so stubborn and set on keeping the image of the strong independent woman I've been the past 21 years. I find a lot of traditional relationship things bother me. PDA, copious amounts of pictures posted together, baby voices which is more common than you would think yet so gross, I literally would rather die before sucking ****, omg ok man butts, omg hairy man butts. wait ok that's not as much relationship stuff as I thought. Ok let's dive deeper into the fears. ***. Holy Mother Mary of Joseph are you scared. petrified even. You know that Ben has been around, its intimidating. I am the definition of a late bloomer, 21 years old and I've never touched a man. I don't know how to kiss, i don't know how to suck **** or even a handjob, I don't know how to have *** like at all I literally just am imagining myself laying there like a board. why is it awkward in my mind? I know I shouldn't be thinking all this and that I'm just setting myself up for failure, but it's so intimidating. And I know Ben would never say anything, even if he were thinking it. I just can't get over the stomach-dropping fear, and it makes me sad. Like so sad. I wish I had the confidence to go out there and hook up with guys. **** hookup with a guy you like, have a situationship, fwb, even a boyfriend. Ok back to the original story pls. June quickly came to an end, and while I cant say much about july thus far, things have been going very smoothly. Now if only you could find a fulltime job... anyways I was gonna write a lot more but I decided to actually continue this in the morning ok goodnight bye. - - Hi again, July 11th now, and still at the dog park. Well, I left and came back obvi but this has turned into an everyday thing. Do you still take Alfie often? do you have a house with a yard? ok anyways back to the story I was telling... To sit here and call 2022 my worst year thus far would be unjust. So my goal of this, this letter to freshly 24 year old me, is to look back on some of the most amazing experiences I've had. This year I have had the opportunity to do things I could never have imagined. When you think of 2022, **** when i rn think of 2022 I want nothing but happy memories. I want to look back on the amazing friendships you have held and the new friendships that have been built throughout the year. You had the opportunity to go to Colorado for the first time, and the opportunity to fly on an airplane for the first time. You went to New York City, and literally got baricade to harry styles. And before that you had a fun summer, the first summer of your extensions, your birthday, house sitting and dog sitting galore. You have amazing friends who come to visit you, stay with you. Some of these friends you are even able to go and visit. You found time for wonderful relationships and adventure. You were able to drive to Florida with Shayne for spring break, you literally kayaked down the Miami river who else does that on vacation. I cant get over the fact that we graduated college.. I wonder if we'll ever go back, or if you already have. If we go all the way back to January 2023, you were able to spend it with Ben and Shayne. You had matching outfits with your new baby. February you got new extensions, sounds silly but it was the highlight of your month. You saw Sza in concert with claire. January and February began your fitness classes with Shayne, those were great. I wonder if you're taking any yoga classes currently. You celebrated galentines day with Magey and Ainslee, they even paid for you. You even were able to visit kent. March began with Claires birthday, I know this is getting a little redundant don't worry hold your horses this time we have details. Your beautiful hot pink bong finally arrived in the mail. You told a guy how you felt about him, that was a first! You sang lots of karaoke. The lepruchan crawl! Do you remember? How you and shayne prepared purses full of snacks and liquid iv. How you were able to be out for over 8 hours between the crawl and claires birthday. Your car broke down, jev, and i know you're thinking how is this good? well you got dads car for the next 3 months! You got your first tattoo! Matching ones with shayne! obviously you remember its on your arm lol. April was fun, you were able to celebrate two of your best friends birthdays. Shayne and Lexi's. Lexi came down to Columbus for her birthday which was great because you her and shayne were able to go to the bars. The next weekend you were able to go home for easter yay! you got to see lexis new jeep beep beep! You came back to school just in time to take graduation pictures. Remember in your pink tulle dress and your 6 inch heels. You finally got to finish classes. Senior bar crawl time!!! This was a fun day, you know until u blacked out and gave Megan a concussion and a face full of rug burn before graduation. Im hoping that's a memory you never forgot. Everyone came down that weekend for graduation, which is amazing, like your friends loved you enough to come back to Columbus just to see u grab a diploma out of a box on the football field. Shortly after you were traveling down to Carolina beach with Lexi and her family. Sure it rained a lot but you guys were able to make the best of it. The end of may was filled with you helping open the new urban at easton. You went home to see your family and shayne's, you even went out with maddy shayne johnny and Olivia. I hope you are able to connect the memories to what I have written. Along my own journey I have discovered that while writing this it was so much easier than I thought to write about the good. I can barely remember anything bad or upsetting that happened within the last 6 months. And with that I want you to remember that as you sit wherever reading this email. No matter where you are in life right now I want you to know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Everything that has happened to you has happened on purpose. Good things always come to those who wait. And if you're going through a hard time i want you to think about what you were upset about 6 months ago, a year ago, even three years after reading this. Not only is it hard to remember all the bad memories but you also made it. Like you went through some tough **** and you made it. Sure there was probably some ups and downs, arent there always? I want you to continue to do everything in your power to remember the good memories. Someday there is going to be a time where your memory falters, and you're going to do whatever you can to relive the good old days. Hopefully you are journaling, or at least still writing to your future self. I hope this is a reminder to always strive to be your best self. My goal is to have my **** together by August 1st. Ill keep u updated on how that goes, I'm currently in a rebuilding phase lol. I can't tell if this is the end of the letter or just this paragraph, I will let you know shortly.-