A letter from Jul 14, 2023

dear jonas, today's your birthday! i was thinking of what to say to you last night but i've forgotten about it now. you're 21 now, so much has happened in those years of existence but i cant seem to recall anything about it now, your past birthdays, your graduations or those moments where i was happy, enthusiastic and excited. unfortunately though all i can remember now is the times where i felt humiliated, embarrassed, scared and defeated. i really want to say so many things to you, i truly do. i want to share things about my current life, my fears, hopes and dreams but i don't know how to, i cant form a single sentence, my thoughts are in shambles. it must be because you're currently wearing earbuds listening to a playlist called "indie happy morning" so you can escape this hell of a house but listening to music stop you're thoughts from intruding. i want to remind you that, not everything's going to be ok. some things are going to be pretty bad. and some things are going to be really, really good. it's ok that not everything is ok. you currently live in delusions you know, i've been imaging myself in tons of different situations where i am happy, loved and accepted. my delusional stories changes from time to time depending on my current situations. you even searches so many things on google to make your story seems "realistic". you're currently imagining yourself with a boyfriend with whom you met in senior high school and you're both studying in nyu, your taking environmental science while he's taking computer science. of course that isn't real, you're currently taking nursing at a local college hating every single minute of it except those time when you're with your classmates going thrifting or eating at a fast food restaurant. why do i do this? idk maybe because im jealous, angry, insecure with what's going on with my life but you are not meant to live like others, you are meant to live as yourself anyways, i wanna keep this short(er) so all im gonna say is i have no idea what's going on in my life i'm just in charge of the music. you haven't met all the people you will love and the people who will love you. most importantly, please love yourself instead of loving the idea of other people loving you. take care and i will always love you even though sometimes it's hard, i will always be there for you. sincerely, jonas (hbd!!!)