A letter from Jul 04, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hi. It’s Eli at 24. I thought to write this because I’m thinking about my dad right now. I love him a lot, and I hope he loves as long as his body allows him to. I want him to see me grow into someone better. I know he loves me as I am right now, but I also am imagining a future version of myself that has lived more, understood more, and has the capacity to learn more from him. And I just want my dad here. I love him a lot, and I try not to be scared, but I am right now. I’ve had two tall boy, high ABV beer cans. I was trying to stay sober all of July but I have broken that already, on July 4. And it’s for no reason. I just wanted to drink, so I bought alcohol and drank it. I hope that you are not like I am right now. I feel like I can’t be honest and I can’t feel what I really feel unless I drink. That scares me. I don’t want to rely on alcohol to be able to be the person I feel I am when I’m drunk. In reality, when I’m sober, I understand that the person I am when I’m drunk is petty and reactive and often stupid, but it feels good to say what I think. I don’t want to think what I think when I’m drunk. I want to be better. I want to be kinder and I want for it to not feel insincere. I want to not feel like I’m battling two sides of myself without knowing which side people like. I want to feel comfortable, mainly. Without substances. I don’t want to be on edge all the time. I’m sorry for the foundation I laid for you. I don’t know what it will lead to. I hope you have been leading a better life than the one I’m leading now. Things are going alright for me on paper, but I’m still scared that a part of me is broken. I hate to think of it that way. I want to strive to be better. But I worry that something I can’t control makes me repulsive to others. I await your reply. I am praying you have done better. I am praying I will do better. I am praying you will forgive me. I love you, and I wonder about you. Pray I will do better. Love always, Eli