A letter from Jul 01, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hello. I just found out I will have less classes. I am semi unemployed. I feel like I am unemployed. I want to cry. I want to tell myself it is going to be ok but I am not sure how long this period of purgatory will last. This period of not knowing. This period of grappling in the dark hoping to see, to feel, anything steady or safe. I feel suspended in the air, waiting to land. Hoping for a soft landing, but what I will probably land on is hard rocks and thorny shrubs. I want a different outcome for myself, I want a different journey, I want a different ending but I am not sure if I will ever have that in this life. I want to have stability, a career I actually want, a man who is nice, intelligent and respectful, a house in the suburbs or a cute apartment. I want financial stability, I want to not worry if I will have to look for jobs for years and years, I want not to worry about being massively underpaid and always being poor. I tell myself, as you already know, that if only I was born in a different country where I had different opportunities. Where jobs were not so hard to come by, or maybe if I had pursued that other course, maybe if I get a chance to move abroad, maybe then my life would be different, easier. I don't know how true that is but I feel hopeless. I feel like I will never be happy. Like I will never have what I want. What if I live a dull life only for it to be snuffed out? Is this my karma? Is this all there ever will be? I know I should make peace with that possibility but lord does it hurt.