A letter from Jun 28, 2023

Dear FutureMe, This is so annoying, I am thinking to myself for the 1000th time in my 28 years of life. I am so tired of this so ready for something else. I don't know how many more years i can convince myself that my turn is coming. That the perfect person is going to walk through the door and all of these other sad failed attempts will make sense. That i'll finally be able to take a deep breath and the dots will connect. I hate that at this point i don't think its going to be in the cards for me. I really want to walk around NYC and be in love with someone. Nothing sounds more fun. Let's backtrack a bit! Life is good. You moved in with new roommates (Kate and Emily). Great girls truly I feel blessed to have found them. You went to Hawaii with your two best friends. You got to see Mt Joy with your parents and Noah Kahan at Beak and Skiff. You saw Six on broadway with Malia. You have so many fun things coming up. Jackie's wedding, Mt Joy in central park, a half marathon (I hope), US Open?, LA! Pots is happy and healthy and loves the new roomies. You got drunk and told Giacomo you loved him. Weird move but you do cry about him a lot. It doesn't really make any sense. Your office moved across the street to 1251 and to no shock someone you had *** with works in the elevator bank and you saw him on your first day there. I dont think he realized it was me... out of context I am sure he did not put two and two together but wild to think about. Anyways my ***** of the week! Ha. You met a man. My dad and uncle John were in town. I had just won lottery tickets to see Six and met them both at a bar back by my apartment. I was not drinking so hoping for an early night but my dad had brought my electric tooth brush i left at Kasson with him. We all decided to take a walk back to the hotel (pots included) to grab the tooth brush and take her out one last time. Well at the hotel my dad suggest we go get one more and I lead him to Dorleans... they had closed the outdoor space and we went inside to over blasting music. My uncle suggested we go else where to which i walked them to the Hideaway. I had walked by 100 times but never stopped in. while there i noticed they had an upstairs but wasnt sure if it was a private space or not. I decided to step outside the bar and look up from outside. While standing outside a man walked by. "Great bar" to which i responded is it? He joked that he was the owner and we ended up talking for 20 minutes. As he left to go I said are you going to ask for my number. I had put it in his phone and he made comments about seeing each other maybe sat or sunday. This was a friday that we met. I didnt hear from him until Monday. I spent a decent portion of that weekend convinced I had entered in my number wrong which seems insane as I was sober. But it happens! The other part convinced me he must have a girlfriend which seemed strange but always possible! I am prone to men with girlfriends. We had a good back and forth on Monday in which we had agreed to meet back at the bar we had met on Friday. I was excited. How fun was it to have met someone normally - soberly for me. It felt like everything just added up like for the first time i was in the right place at the right time. That i had stepped away to look outside for a reason. That i had stayed sober for a reason. After plans had been made on Monday i did not. hear from him. Friday rolled around and i honestly did not know if this was happening. I eventually reached out at 4 to which he confirmed. the date went well! He ubered over as he did not want to be late. We have things in common. He is 27, a virgo, loves mt joy. Some awkward moments but it i blame both of us for that. Well on the date we actually bought and made plans to go to the movies the following week. He was a bit touchy for me but we made out at the bar and i eventually invited him back to my house. I did not have *** with him but he slept over. In the morning i ended up giving him a BJ which objectively outside of my current thoughts he has a smaller sized ****. He left around 10 and we hugged and kissed goodbye. He brought up the movie to which im pretty sure i said just let me know. I did not hear from him and i was driving myself insane. If i was going to be rejected i wanted to get it over with. I did not want to wait until thursday when the 20 dollar movie ticket i bought went to waste. I texted him tuesday and asked if he was still down. To which he said yes! Thursday roles around and did not hear from him again. At this point i decided i was doing tooo much and was like balls in his court. Movie was at 7:30... i heard from him at 6:40. I was fully convinced i would not hear from him. While at the movie i made myself believe he did not want to be there and was just being nice that i couldnt even enjoy or focus on the film. As much as I am alone i dont need someone to pity sit next to me. The movie ends and he asks if i want to grab a drink someone.. so now i am thinking i made this all up in my head. We have two drinks at a bar he offers to walk me home. I insist against it, he does it anyways..... Get to my apartment we hug and kiss goodbye. He says he had a good time i say "did you" and i express how i did not think he was even going to show up and he says both times i said i would be somewhere i was. which is true but its 2023 and some confirmation would be nice. I have not heard from him. I am not even sure if i want to... i got the ick for multiple reasons. but as the ILL person i am i need someone to tell me they hate me before i can believe its dead. I texted him tonight saying i saw this women from the bar we met... at 6:30.. he immediately puts his phone on Do not disturb.... and i never heard back. I am being rejected.. its fine. I knew it before we even went to the movie but why do that. Why agree to the movie, why show up, why offer to get drinks after, why fake set my roomate up with your friend, why offer to walk me home, why tell me you had a good time, why hug and kiss me goodbye!? Like those are weird things to do when you dont want to speak to someone again. IDK i am just asking for honesty at this point. Like i will not be upset with someone who is honest and upfront and clear. Anways! I love you i think you are awesome and i am so proud of you. So proud that you have put yourself out there and gone on dates and lived with so many strangers and figured out NYC and corporate America. I want to give you 100 hugs but pots will have to for now. I cant wait for him to show up. To love pots the way you do Your person will come and he will be sooo awesome and everyone will know that it is right and you wont have a doubt. I really believe that i believe things will be great and to stay positive. I love you i love pots!!! <3 ugh have the best day ever. PS - that white wine makes you not breath like right now so maybe never again but also just a suggestion??