A letter from Jun 23, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I'll be ok, I think. Life is pretty hard right now. It feels like no one really cares about you. Mother drinking increased this year too, which also caused her heart pain to occur more frequently. She blames this all on you and your siblings, "I drink so much because y'all irritate me." I get that sometimes we can be difficult. But it's just because we have so much angry in us. Because I have so much angry in me. She priorities abusive relationships over her children. Every time I give her another chance to redeem herself, to give me hope, at the end she always disappoints. Even when I was cutting myself, slicing my wrist in angry, all she said as that, I was "doing this for attention." I don't even think I love anyone else. When I think about my siblings nothing brushes over my heart. Even when I think about if something bad happens to them I might feel sad or pity but the thought of crying never crosses my mind. Even thinking about love with a partner doesn't get my heart jumping. Instead I just feel that it will never happen. I'm so tired. What I'm writing may not makes sense since I'm basically just venting at this point but, I just hope in 3 years when you graduate that you read this letter and think about how much the situation improved. But of course, as a pessimistic person I can only think of the worse. Such as, you not making it in 3 years. Not because of suicide, well yeah that, but because of the violence around you too. It's so overbearing that ***** seems like heaven. To be freed from the chaos around you. I'm really hoping for your happy ending, but this is reality. Nothing ever happens like we expect it too. Well what I'm trying to say is, its ok if you fail. As long as you tried :)