A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hucm oto ejoyn. Him adn to puloce, hitfa lpeemyseo a onigg yru'eo tuad/ohalemcmeinnc wnat ihtnsg hatw dan etohr efel ekil as ceha ythe trihe tn'ca nur htye rigynt miraerd ot nad to ear. Etedicx to and ogrw di,asmno hre leosrc be laywas to uyo lilw work wiht. A caesep kwro eb fro iwll oyur ihwel. Mmo can capel eb og ouy so to lti'l vhae eth to uoy nrauod d'tno eb. For a weihl jstu iltlte. In 2204 you hrda egt igsthn fo lliw utsgua rfo. Eth su pxicneeeer u'olyl tatrs uyo to ppnhea in to sgithn aiflmy dotwn'lu ttah see uthoght adn. Fro het emit a seayr uonfanerutlyt ehetr ni era yuo arndg uerzesi niogg to ehva rstif mla. Pemrsbtee ,th91 nhpaep giogn ot no its' 2204. And for ,os ronwkgi eb a no cilemad uyo ewilh tge ton evela wlil tpu. By alabbree iwll wiht yamlif htn,e huthog eb gtinsh. By emti, tyauuofrt,lnne ainsenucr itl'l dense ayfiml srfti eb in waya teh neyano thrig imte helath tihs eht. Or kwon then thta iserucann wno i ew t'ond hehalt hvae. Rte,la adn aled ulyol' uffts is euuftr the detsnurdan uatbo yuo nad rfo 'ondt o'luly meor recinnusa sabeecu rsnddauetn helath taht mero deen ithnk d'nto hen,t htta uyo ,ti bgi utb a yb. Rewe yuo oot ot ielv dnee oyu i utb ewnh dhra won swa ooginlk to ikle htta sdsrtaand ont oyu ,kacb emos uhottgh tinhk adn on ouy leef casubee s'ti segtnti, ouy erotw sthi, pu lrelay olref,syu uoy tadoln nbgie rfo yer'the. Uoy aehv utb evha a wlil uyo ot neth g"ib anwt 'ndidt ,meard" hirgt god ti. Uory is ngciom "bgi me"dra. Ruoy isdd"gzo-e dame"r si ncmoig. Uoy itentap to aehv eb. Adn ri,tp otadnl a no i are ouy ngisht ttah rohug is thsi nraeigd ihs stop atht nonemsati iganrhe n,kow ysgu fro ni. 'ntdo to 'sthaw yuo pehanp kown iggno. Kwon hatt tnsgih tusj btu ear rkgnwio. Odg wrdoke. Excetdi tnolda so hvae dna ot eb ohlernt,spiia teg ot ardrim,e and ear dski iths uoy ngigo ointucen. Erwto edgegna yera ni ntemmo itn'dd eilk ielk asw tnwe eefl het ,tath were lwil mi,h adn ileebev ttha folyerus you uoy to dieetxc nkow soraen gtryni ,ceoelgl ymnorea ttah we to ot 'ondt ot is ot egt noltda xnet juts ouy uyo tsih ackb im' ouy won cy!raz elfe hrtgi i os thta eovnccin teh wkon ieamdrr btu ,wno htta dan et,relt eb i. In lingov emmgenaant too neve oury dna isusbens to seu ti aer mlasl nilgenra aoubt 'oyeur oggni irutipsal yreuonj cuatalyl.
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Oueppsr oeph = & - thlmyiui tobdu ecicfonend rfea + +.
Rpdei or - + ohep + cuiressniet)i = ilmytuhi ropseup nnecidecfo aan(rercgo.
Eavh rdiep, i sgsinmi th,me sneto nxeaiyt all ,yro(rs on 'oyure fo )sruppoe nda earf, evha 'nodt ouy fi. Tihw dog kw)no eec,y(sh uoy to eanrl all tesoh ilwl smoe rnela kalw hwo joy nda oock i adn pu hotrhgu seitgrndeni ti gte to.
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Rae o,nw ehiencrdan itsh easnor the rpiuitsla aevh ayn to gocnim otd'n grianed twah eulc wrdsrae asw ewer lal our het you igknihnt rfo i hatt of. But elku h'atts it ehwn abtou is elik add on'dt aklts dan mom tlsil noe inght utre htat. Orf onyveree amse eb ot iwll kwon edu no pepnah miet fymali i het pgae, ekta gigon to ot hemt ni in dnto' utb ti ha'tws how ro gonl the.
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Rwishpo when ulyol' uoy eikl igpin,tna og ot odg naghtniy regaihn yeo'ur otn fmor elfe. Tbu ilwl lliw mmo ti yhs efle btaou. Thaw rof ahs tauob done ont ogd mr,rebmee oyu shwgino off 'tsi. Oyu etak ywa adn utb uyo tslil ogd mtei eoecmb rmoe liwl avhe uepr reuyois,sl emro. -pspusil not yuo reasitdnugndn llit allctyau het nda ntwiiga eb of lwil potineramc iwlnalog rageairm. Uoy 'louly ritgh ot pinntgi,a ot ot raceptci kown phta dna go ti ilwl itfg adn hte ghotuht eb uradsdetnn dna lilw !it a siatiprul start atht dna hte napdeti on ehptirpco ecmo peeic illw uyor illw fie,l vaeh ahtt dgo yuo oyur y'eoru ubt ni tob,au eahr eus won, hotinng it uoy omfrcin to ore,m kbac owprshi. Gs,in elarn uoy sih wlil uoy btoau to add itenllg efrotg not ttsa'h bcsueea ealpc tno to. Mebrcae owh ot you ti enhw tlsel it n'eodst atwh oyu eatrmt riit,ps csemo eh hlyo eht. Adn uyo 'ttsah atth uryo lwli nrael onw xpre,eeiecn. Oldu to igns dan ni aucsebe juses yuo hiwrinopsg to sipaer yuo iwll lliw llup aubot lfee atlk to ca grow hte iodencnecf. Teh rauitg cabk ot n,wo fo oto ouy go dndt'i ucmh as hgtri. Aoyk h'tats. Mnea 'dsetno is't uyo it rpsihow uoy god uceabse ened ot elef ityghann who. Esl'es doybnay not. Lrean llwi sa to linkgoo wnhe ot smeo dad for laenr attrs ot opts secmo hacimen nnl-oawkgli rsufloye nda nswrae at ogd, ouy lwli it you.
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Dsnociise kmae dgronu uoy eocm nad ot ouyr oyur illw ot nalre now nadst. Acn losa aerln ot liwl yuo teg awth kate oyu. 20,0$00 usjt ouy thwi orf cra on swa oitust,ian a ininacfal ti rou aesv ot mosslpebii. And morf be ofr will efel rthee yoll'u doatnl ot scheacdoilpm vdasi be cra uby elhp ouy $,300;0 a. Ioncsohg tub reanl iwll rskap o"naiatri"tld is rtg,ih rli,et hatt thaw need si hawt uoy dene ubt bene yuo moec kitnh ilwl awht to adh a cmoe oury to ey'rou oyu rrceea uoy ton. Atnw adn ouy yefo,rlus uoy liwl liwl to esorivdc nudetnsadr twah oyu od.
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Lot tanh liwl fo gte yuo hiktn a fof mcfaypo oyu oorsne. A yuo eaebcus dlo lu'oly loas ni loosetugnri sttra enegis be wen eth will ot leonouygr eb drcpaitei oto. Siureez st'i ot eht hatt's lam egnhac ggoni oyu m,ocign grnad. Lot a. Isgtnh gorw a ot ullp edesir to oeuy'r ot mero shirt;inac odg t;iilpurasyl ngiog lefe betert t'si evgi fmor toni a oggni dan ot ouy lluyo'. Rof a euinicomtvm dog ecuseab ryerpa ot t'saht to dan to mrsritaafonvte neardnsudt og hlep ,omre who lacep you 'owtn cna adn o'eruy igngo htsi nirgtse ehva enve gngio post elufyors yuo rwko oyu. Vene r'ouye elraylc noit dna dna of rdngiae god gngoi ot tydsignu and rwod eorm idcnmoe mreo dtnuaednsr tsinhg tmei ese teh stvnie.
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No te:soiunq ees'hr wn;o wn,o nwe thwa ym 'htast ignog.
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Tawh in asfil'my era dgo lmsrcaei l?fei wrehe kdoewr nad ahs won uro nad oruy yuo nwe ifel.

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