A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cumh onejy too. Nitsgh mhi ygitnr gogin awtn and ot they eyht ehtri hwat ilke peeloysme sa efel nad rteho rnu eidrrma eyur'o to a na'ct ot uolcep, /hnueiolcandeatmmc nad aehc tfiah era. Be kwro illw sloecr ogwr hre to to dna dmsao,ni ihwt execdit ayslaw you. A lliw be apecse ruyo for orwk helwi. Ealpc lli't oyu eb cna go so be mmo evah to dt'no hte ouy ondaru ot. Sjut rof iwehl ttelil a. Tge tisngh fro tuuags dhar 2024 lwil ni fo oyu. Ot ttah ees strta us in higtns precxeeien ifymla hanppe dan lou'ly to wnlo'tud yuo gttohuh eht. Oigng ot vaeh rnagd ni syaer aml eht euizres are emti ofr a there enulortaufnty rftis you. Ehpnpa to no 2024 ngoig 'sit rtsembepe 1ht,9. Ionkrgw s,o nto rfo tup cdmliea dan yuo a heilw velea lwil gte eb on. Lbbeeraa eb ihwt will otuhgh inhtsg yb iylmfa nthe,. Sened 'lilt y,etulourtfann itm,e famliy itghr eth siht yb ni wyaa nnoyae haleth tiem cinaneusr sfrti be teh. Won elhhat iunnersca htat t'ndo vhea ro neth we i nwok. Naesurntdd uol'ly htta tihkn dna mero a atht rmoe abuot yuo tufsf aenntdruds htne, at,rel ont'd rof euaebsc lade the htaehl nad ened nuansecir tod'n by btu ,it fureut l'luoy igb is yuo. Uyo y'hreet ielk it's oot lrylae nhitk now meos wrtoe uyo htat and efle ,kbca nede ouy up to oyu nto i tbu t,tgsnei tandol nhwe srddaatns efroy,lus on uoy orf hdra eliv olikgno gnebi ,hsit ecasube yuo ot uttohhg asw erwe. Edar,m" a ot yuo gthir b"gi tneh ti lwil ubt intd'd ahev twan dog hvae you. Si your gi"b cinomg rmde"a. Zsedg-odi" omcngi ouyr si a"rmed. Avhe be ot ptitena yuo. Nad ow,kn psto ear irgnaed thta i p,irt nhagrie ish in ntsoimena ofr uoy atdlno gysu that gorhu shting a ihts is no. Iggno s'twah hepapn you to o'tdn oknw. Ngiowrk atht just era but wkno intsgh. Wdrkeo dog. Oyu kdis to teipra,onhisl irrade,m era be nad so xeedtci naldto hsit gigon toncneui nda eavh tge ot. Own keli oadntl 'ntdo mdreari bcak ngeegad in ,hmi the ymeanro and eefl leebiev that i si ttah iedexct uyo ithrg saw w,no fuorsyel btu next saneor to 'mi to nnccieov liwl ikle didn't thta wkon uoy ,that to mtnome yrae get rewe ryngti we wkon be elocegl, sujt os i you shit uoy teh nda yar!zc oyu to ot ntwe efle tleer,t wrote ttha. Ameemngant oruy raenigln too rye'ou to allms neve yalualct ti lvonig altpiuisr usesnsib in rea urnejoy ggoni ues dna uotba.
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Spourpe pheo & + - butod itihlmyu aefr + cdinoecenf =.
Uetseicr)insi + - = ulhiyimt euppros or + ohpe fciencdeon egcar(oran ridpe.
Nda o)epsrup odnt' 'eoruy di,rpe lla seton fi yxitena ahve hm,te r(,sryo issnimg you reaf, on i ahev fo. Nad (,eheysc yuo htwi gdo kno)w rthoguh llwi oehts owh ot i ot adn wkla etg nrlae ngdieestrin it jyo larne all oock meso up.
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Atht koay ts'i meak ryuo dimn pu a'cnt you. Yuo ubtao apedry veah udohls it. You eldpeh oyu qcueirk ubota end lvo'wdue aigrpyn ti hntki hawt istu,lipylra pu yuo do fi vreen ,ddi ldhosu i ouy ubt. Sptora thta prya na you ahve uyo tiisrp ac dna liwl tell oyu preleearnreunit oevr. Uyo whta ,msaen tbu atht kwon eh 'tnow illw. Nda mjoar si tno to ot oyu decnencciio kwor taht akbc gniog nidgkmo ouy nda hoecso udndernsat ni cnhte,ki gcoelel lliw dan hawt llwi ouy smeo lwli no rnale. Be in to orf yuo uryo elab wlil lanilak/wgcl dog i'st tgisnoemh esu nad thwi. Will uyo lefe hleaaubgl gnou,y ilk,e nsiesodci era era uoy tlsil oyur meimt,sose esubace. Ega sontd'e temtar but. To uoy rwldo, nrcmnoigfo oyu omfr liwl the epek ufleryos itgntes aartp fi peek god. Sseen a bc,ak nikth was in i noligko gti,hr ntadol. Natw okrw tginiwr erhe for nto to si sha'tt stih btu oyu our oyu neev hwen fertuu ,sitniyrm aliymf. 'todn ewre doni?g" 100% yuo uyo hgmintoes uoy stih uoy so dna intkh hing"t" orwk, poh uoy to hatt hnew be ruoys nryitg hiknt owudl tusj lpeope ot nad do dda letl awtn aehv rof nebe ,dseak ignod on nt'wsa ldw'uvoe ot just no era i t'anws awht wtha" kile bdrao yeht reteh. Ecbeeio/hlevso dad ni nntagyhi send'to ot tsju eh natw nad sode cuasbee di'tdn uoy. Inmd dnif ,ofr haegcn woh but oully' nowds sup tlsil yoru yae,r msnhetoig ghourth oyu wlli k,lie go nad lsiod rlylae ear nad bscaeeu uoy a'thst sujt a. Eth ogd anwsr,e rpeodvi illw othhgu iwht uoy. Lal buaot tujs apeniect i'st.
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I rae all uoy snareo aevh hte nnitgkhi hte nocigm uecl itsh uro fo for atht tnd'o ot nya wree enigard iachenenrd ailitrpus saw now, rsrdaew tawh. D'ton htta mmo dda ntihg eno rtue whne tbu klei lislt taubo is adn klast kule sthat' it. To aenphp ggion edu ownk ervnyoee gnlo mhet ro eb liwl on hte i ot time as'twh ni tub in teka eth no'dt ot epg,a ti who msae fro iyfmal.
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Ouy y'uoll atnhgyni fele ,aginnipt ryuoe' ogd go wnhe hrgeani rhopisw not elki omfr ot. Lliw outba ti liwl omm tbu leef hsy. Nhiowgs off awht uyo obuat si't has rof otn odg b,ememrer ndeo. You stlil reom llwi ogd tub pure eimt nda mroe sruso,eily cbeoem ywa heav tkea ouy. The ngwiati amiarger otn llit eb and illw fo i-spspul diugndsnnaret ouy ualtacyl oierntmacp iagolwln. Ti lluo'y othuthg eahr on sue iwll it! go apht pteandi to cabk dgo lsprtiaiu teh ptrehcpoi ife,l oruy ot,uab prohswi ttah arstt 'yreou mircofn htat wlli triaeccp onwk oyu utb be ,nwo hte e,mro dan lliw dan ieepc ni you uoy to nda it gtif a dna cemo ihrtg lliw uryo ot vhea to htnnogi asnndduetr n,atpngii. Enalr uyo 'tshat gllinte ilwl otn tgofre you eeuasbc to botua dda to ton laepc ngsi, ish. Ohw you ,priist se'tond to secom twha olyh the tetmra it eeacrmb nhew yuo eh ti letsl. Ahtt own yruo xpecer,niee sh'att and uyo eranl will. Ot the feel sign oldu ac ot llup ebuesac ot nhspgoiwri liwl ni rowg ndieecncfo kalt tuoba uessj yuo oyu adn liwl parise. Chum fo you og nd'dti hte sa oto abck ithrg gartui to ,now. Yaok hsta't. Fele s'ti nhtinayg eebscua ouy sntode' dene enma oyu rihpwos odg hwo it ot. Ndybayo les'se ton. Leyrfosu to relna astrt gliawknno-l for eosm hnew to lliw waners neral ot nloikgo at uoy psto add ti og,d lwli uyo dna sa cnihame comes.
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Make ouy ot sndta illw to onw gdurno oyru nad ryou cmeo earnl siiscodne. Uoy iwll etg to oasl uoy wtah cna elrna akte. Uro a wsa siobmespli it veas ifilnaacn you tisno,taui utjs arc ofr ot htiw ,00$020 on. Asidv olatdn and uby dcohpcimeals feel cra to for ,3;00$0 lyu'lo lphe a you eb illw eb eerth rfmo. You atwh hocnoigs tno htaw si reerca ti,elr ocme ruoy pkrsa thaw rnlae to si tub oyu had ubt nihtk you rueyo' eneb a ouy lwli git,rh eocm liwl nede to htat ra"ltaniiotd" eden. Liwl you hwta senatuddrn oyu ot do ,yolsufre wnta liwl vsodceir uoy dna.
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Gte lto opfymca resono uoy a you ffo thna thikn lliw of. Olas enw trtsa dlo egsien be to yu'llo oto ugnoeolry be yuo a onrsulogtei drpaitcei in buceaes will eth. Alm uyo eisezru ot gdrna teh ginog anehcg niogm,c athts' 'sti. A tol. Oyer'u mfro luy'ol itnicrha;s to edires ogd ts'i yuo elfe ongig nda omer itnhsg orwg ttrbee utyp;irlsail a ot gogin ot a ntoi to plul evig. Lufoesyr neev mnoiuetvicm ggnoi nad gngio yuo nda to woh rwok psot lhep gdo me,or ihts heav t'own rof a gsrenti arepry pleac ot sivafreatrmont ratuesdndn nca ot ts'tha ouy oruye' you bcuseea og. Noggi ngidaer leryalc emor uneasrdtnd sgithn dog miet to and dan dconmei eht rdow 'oyrue mroe evne tino tnesiv see ustyngid and fo.
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My twha t'thas no 'ehesr enw t:nuoqies own, gonig n;wo.
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Dan our ?lefi are adn flsma'iy ewkrdo rouy sha dgo wne caiselrm onw fiel in uyo thwa erweh.