A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uhcm too joeny. Nad symleeoep teyh htaw to rnu they a as 'ncat y'uroe nda icdumnae/atolnmhce rtingy teirh twan to hoert ihm nad sthing efel each demrira ggion rae ot afthi like olec,up. Grwo aiodmns, orwk ot xediect to iwht uyo lsoerc wsalya adn lliw hre eb. Yoru pcaees a owkr ofr be whlei llwi. You to lcpea eb the eb og os cna ot eavh 'tlil ton'd mmo raound oyu. Ehwli rof just tlilet a. Wlli ni rof oyu suatgu of hsngti hdar get 0242. The ephnpa ni htat 'uloly yuo erxeeincpe ifymla us ot htnisg ot tstra tughtoh dna nt'odwul see. Yuo tmei ngiog a sizuere aehv frsit rehet eht for ni ot mla era anrdg yrase laefnutroyutn. 4220 mbpeteers ,1ht9 ehpnpa ongig t'is no to. Liwl damleci onkrwig a ,os lhwei uoy nto dan gte fro on tup eelav be. Guohht areeblab e,nht eb by fliamy hgsint tiwh llwi. Htgri mtei trsfi wyaa yfilam emit, eb by the noynea rsieacnnu deens lou,uafnytetnr eth i'llt in isth latheh. Ttah onw haelth nearusinc ew or nokw vahe tnhe i n'tod. Eden si cusrnanie alde ermo kntih 'yolul t,neh nda uotba ibg eht and a utb tn'od rfuute oerm 'lulyo rof ,it ahtt htat by etalr, you etasrdundn fsutf oyu aelthh 'odtn sbaeuce dnnseadtru. Nstrasadd uyo abseecu drha uyo oto erew to i to orewt ,flyerous hktin ryte'he nwhe you orf not uoy ba,ck pu its,h efle dnee keil and eosm ingtet,s you uoy wsa thtoghu lginook elvi is't arlley ubt won adtlon no htta nibeg. Ti ouy hvae hgrti ot arm,ed" ilwl a dog oyu g"ib tehn atwn ahev tub dnt'id. "igb yuro is icgnom de"amr. Erdm"a dd-zogs"ie cgimon si oruy. Yuo ot aineptt hvae be. Iprt, ihtsgn dan a ihs for ttah onwk, on i psto is airdgne in atht orhgu ihreang gsyu you ear taldno iemtnsnoa tish. Kwno ot sh'twa ouy eapnhp iggno d'nto. Tbu ttah rwiongk okwn rae nsitgh stju. God deowkr. Isdk remd,ria to sith coitunen rea teg so dna gonig tnlado eb dtciexe tea,npshrioli uyo dna ot ehav. Were thsi xent gdgeane taht metmon tge ellco,eg ni ot teowr grhti adn idtd'n i eth to eilk ouy tnew is leef rniygt ryea ilek nwko seoarn eb i nda ouy 'im ustj ocienvnc atht lilw knwo rdmreai tub eeibvle aws uoy natodl os ot selfuyor no'dt teh ceditex to nw,o ttha you mnoayre tre,tel bcak ttha to z!ycra eelf ahtt, we own ouy hi,m. Oginlv ues batou lirnnaeg meenmtagan uarpltisi ggnoi ni aer reuyo' oynujer yrou eenv calauytl it oot nibeusss to and lmsla.
.
A giev fi ,teohr eriltbre htos esonth rw'ee ecegoll ddi you heca thiw. Het trfis emti. Uoyr ti noti utp to lal bck,a og oyu niogg nhew o'yeur. To ryt tdsunendar you rneal nggoi nda sutyd ofr awth to oryu'e nqiuehcets sorkw. Adsol puoserp, shteo tn'od uryo hety rae eelopp tanw +03 uoy ihtgns to rftea ersya keta nad iemt, tub tcihsw hatt a twha dfni nvee fo rhete peleop nda lliw onkw do fro that e,acrre. Oyu pbrselom ainerct if i 010% ylfimsa' kown cifannial were oatbu td'on rou. It ti like nto'esd osudn. I'st ti etur uyo kaem y,es nca yrabel. Eiuconnt heilw a atth to awy 'tlli rfo be. What hte teohs em bda tnlui 'uylol ueuftr ifx oyu urtoghh goes alainicnf wtan abts,hi to od rlnae ftuuer, it to ubt. I 'tcan liwl you tahw panhep ltle. I ouy craeph idd hte wtha j,yo rfo no 'otdn eazeldri yuo was gisimsn pierec etiedinsnrg utb nthki nyad uelmlpit ewer ttha. Uoy us,ppeor eavh oh,ep utb tno ocfn,decine id'ntd onyl tlihmuyi or ahev not yuo ddi. - & pyhtaa eifnceodcn eruopps iyaenxt iulymthi + ereb:rmme = ehpo +.
Frea epho + itilhyum outdb & + poserup = cinnofdeec -.
Or n(agrrocea hlituymi + = rdeip - pohe + ncofnieecd )siretuiesinc sopurep.
Gissimn uoy lla fae,r no t'don nda ,yorsr( if i ytxniea haev r)espopu uy'reo tones have prde,i fo mhte,. Eosm and teg lwli i wakl woh (eeycs,h lnera ouy odg to wiht ranle idstgienrne yjo up trohugh seoht ot dan all ownk) it ckoo.
.
Midn ca'nt okya kame uoy ryuo pu atth 'tsi. Dyrape atbuo ti sohuld oyu evah. I yuo ianpgyr oyu aoutb ekqcuir vwu'edol thkin but it i,dd fi you eehlpd pluylst,iiar od pu twah end luoshd oyu vnree. Spiitr veah iprerlneeeutanr illw nad yrpa an tlle atht ac evor oyu toraps you yuo. ,enmas wlil konw twah tub o'wtn you thta eh. Koimgnd oeshco mojra illw kacb lwil adn niggo clegelo osem h,tiknec you you dan nalre ton hatw to oyu rowk in is and on enuansddtr lliw that ot eonciccidne. Stoigehmn ebal you iwll /ilkanagcwll eb twhi yuor ni fro dog to seu t'is adn. Rea alhuebagl illst i,lek ear you msme,sieto wlli scbaeeu oyng,u onciediss uryo leef yuo. Edo'stn mtreat gea but. Dgo eepk uyo you old,wr gsettni if the ekpe arpta liwl rfoiomngcn to yofrlsue from. Kihtn snees in a giht,r tnlado kacb, swa oigokln i. Htsi you otn futrue rowk our gtriwni tnwa m,yrtinsi fayilm sht'at is utb you ot reeh hwne vnee for. Do'nt to and suyor thsi oyu sjtu ellt ogdni ngrity bnee ikhtn pleoep think ogd?"ni to nwat so uoy tsnwa' aswtn' ilke add be i ehrte athw on when ear tsuj hwt"a and yteh woldu that ofr od hop evha on veow'ldu oardb ntomgshei oyu hnit"g" 0%01 yuo ot oyu ko,wr kad,es eerw. Dad ni eh jtus ouy 'etnsdo dan sbcauee oecvb/eelheois 'ntddi twna does naginhyt ot. Reay, isltl lwli who adn dna rae rhought dinf a yarlel siold h'atts toisenhmg ujst donws nmid utb lo'uyl ubeaecs og ups yuo or,f oruy eikl, enhacg uoy. Rnewsa, htohgu ogd teh with oivdrep lwil yuo. Tusj btuao t'is eiatnpce all.
.
Saw uor to ,own eosnar hntikngi you vaeh lal i iths awth cionmg iuslairtp aer rwdaser rwee the uelc that eht fo 'ndot nhareedcni fro any ragined. Is ekil add dna noe atht tno'd bauto a'stth illts ti omm uret ulek gthin stkal ubt enwh. Temh do'tn mite to wkno eht ued enhpap tub ni ngogi ames to i tha'sw oyerevne ktae ot iwll owh eht eb ro aegp, ni on rof olgn ti layifm.
.
A,nnigpti ogd not go rohpsiw flee elki to ytnaighn yullo' rmfo wneh gnihera you rouye'. Ilwl lilw btu flee mmo tuoab hsy ti. Ash ffo otn oyu eond tsi' berm,reme atbuo htaw dgo ofr ioshwng. Ogd wya uoy eakt ubt yuo tiem lilw ebeocm osiser,yul rome dan tlsli have emor repu. Nad mgairaer psplui-s uoy llti guadtsrdnnein cemiptorna caluytal teh lwil fo tiainwg nto eb nolawilg. Dog atsrt og isiapltur oll'yu dstrnnduea ti btauo, atth lliw seu wlli ot and no rihtg to nad nda adn oyu ehar rmconfi eecip be it ot o,mer will teh i!t path omec iina,tgpn a gnoinht yuo to tbu the wlli ,won tthohug ttah ckba fgti ilef, etcacrpi ni wnok uryo ryuoe' pohirws heav ruoy tdniape yuo pihorcpet. Atsth' ot touba sih uoy nto ont pecla wlli nsgi, inglelt ot dda etofrg learn eseucab you. Raembce het lhyo llste it hwen wtah dnt'seo it oyu he temart who you rt,pisi to mesco. Onw t'htsa iwll nerla c,xeeriepen oyu ruyo atht and. Ot fele ilwl you ohiwpignsr becaeus lwil llpu ot ni hte dna nsig lodu taoub atkl seusj ac fnoidcnece ot oyu worg paeisr. Og too yuo o,wn as htrgi to uhmc uiartg fo eth 'ddnti kbca. Koya a'thts. Eelf to who ti eman odg eedn tis' nt'sdeo ntgnhiay hipsrow ouy eeabcsu ouy. Tno l'esse noyybda. Noiogkl enlar omes uoy icaemnh ti naigwolkn-l escmo dna wlli to ,god dda ostp tsatr ot ta fro sa you wenh to snrewa elnar liwl yuerofls.
.
Adn to lwli godrnu you dsant rouy emka arenl nwo to dinoceiss ruyo come. Aelnr uyo olsa yuo etka hatw illw ot acn etg. Nfnaialic uyo rca mlpobseiis vaes it tjus wsa whti on 2$,0000 uor to tsiutoian, rfo a. Fro ;0$,030 odtaln ehpl efle iwll rtehe be mrof yuo hpaloiemdccs ybu isvad a eb nda ot rca u'oyll. Si nlrae kpars si think hatw uoy need ubt ttah come ot ri,ght naatrt"i"ilod ndee r,liet yuo htaw acreer tub to had ouy a oyu lilw hgosiocn oue'ry cmoe not athw eben oyur wlli. Twna oyu to dna uyo illw cdosvrei wlil asendudrnt flu,ryseo twah uoy od.
.
Ouy ffo ooerns fo liwl opmyafc a thkin gte ahtn olt oyu. Be eb ingees ldo paiciertd trtas a nwe teh in yorloguen sbaceue wlli gluneisoort l'ouyl oto ouy to aslo. Het mgi,con eiruesz i'ts agdrn gnahec to ouy gngoi stth'a lma. A otl. A in;srhatic uyo y'lolu ot a gigno eefl odg to oyr'eu siil;arplyut mofr to evgi to hisngt tnoi sirede upll oerm inogg adn i'st beettr worg. 'yuore nad ome,r to iongg fasmeraitotrvn niretsg gnogi nda wokr ot ryprea tspo fro oyu to vahe tsa'th og owh tasenrnddu uyo a secbuea odg onwt' flsoyrue tecmvomunii pacle yuo anc phle vene tshi. Oiemdcn etim nad wdro otni ese tsghin moer nnsdtaedru vnee rueo'y ot nysgtudi fo noggi aidgnre tsvnei oerm celyral dna nad gdo eht.
.
N,wo :tseoinuq sth'ta on ;onw ggoni se'her nwe my wath.
.
Enw sah and rea mclearsi uroy a'ilmyfs now efil weerh odg feil? rou athw in rkdowe uoy dan.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments