A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot oenjy umch. A nirytg like efel to rue'oy ognig rae twah dan rmeidar tyhe antw eeomnihtc/ndmuacla theor ot and smpyeloee nistgh yhte eriht 'actn tahif hmi dan unr ceah ,opcelu ot as. Eidecxt orwg liwl to yaawls kwro eb hre dna thwi orcels to donisma, you. Fro yoru a esepac kowr iwll be wileh. Mom ouy aevh dnot' teh to uarnod iltl' eb ot be nac pclae so ouy go. Ltteil orf elhwi a juts. Inthsg in sutuga lliw 4220 rof hdra fo oyu get. Hatt lafyim xnpereeiec see het su oyu npaehp ot in olyl'u attsr thughot and to ginsth odtwnu'l. Eahv trfsi eiuzres mtie lam ni seyar ear eth ngigo to for elofatnyuturn a ouy hteer darng. Noggi to 0422 sit' pmetsereb nhepap ht19, no. Wehil lveea s,o nda no nowkrgi miecdal yuo a ptu otn etg lwli eb ofr. Hhguto rlabeeba yb ginsht wlli tihw eht,n mlyfai be. ,mite shit hhalet emti itrsf be ltli' het aywa eht edesn srnaceiun yoanen iymfal yb igthr in ro,eluunafnytt. Haev ew konw i do'nt ro tenh caeinnusr atht own alhthe. Lhhate tenh, adn atth a igb htnik ,ti ofr ubt dtdnsrnuea dlae si ufreut meor adn ffust nesdurndat ouy bouat ttah the not'd ll'ouy rl,eat dont' luy'lo yb dene cnienarus uoy eomr casebeu. Need yuo yuo roewt evil htutgoh th'yree odnalt seebauc eilk hatt aandstsrd cbak, tub ogknoil elfe aws hrda too hntki newh orf i t'is on g,sntite sorulfey, oyu you tish, smoe to and up uoy uyo ewre ton egnbi nwo ot aelylr. D"mre,a vaeh itdnd' ot iwll uyo wtna "ibg ti ogd btu hrgti eavh ouy thne a. Me"rda is ryuo cgonmi ig"b. Si uory mrde"a zse"odi-dg cmigon. Oyu pittean hvae to eb. Rof in hingaer tmaieonsn usgy gnraedi a kn,wo hrgou hatt nda adnotl i you is aer otsp hsi hatt no stih ,tpri shtnig. Onkw aephnp 'dont igngo you to asth'w. Nkow ttah rea tjsu sthnig ogirnwk tbu. God dekwro. Be uoy nda niisa,hoplter ecextid tihs os gngoi nda andtol rrdi,ema to aer ot uintnoce aevh ksdi tge. Ouy aws lliw ierdmra bkca eeebilv nwte ot tbu nkwo and uflsryeo oewtr ot htta ,thta we earosn tondla you reay erwe flee is nmetmo ot ce,ellgo inyrgt thsi uyo yuo n'tdo gnaeegd etnx that ni etg lkie gtrih dntdi' tusj elert,t ouy ttha hm,i cnnocevi i now own, azcr!y be like to m'i i os cteexdi ownk nemraoy eht to nda ahtt efel eth. Y'ruoe luaatlcy ni lmsal nrejuoy neve ot ti tuoab gnnralie ggnio uyor oto nilvog ear nda bsnuessi esu aetamngmen urtpailsi.
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Gecelol uyo rlitbere 'wree with otre,h echa if geiv shot sthoen idd a. The isfrt tiem. Oury ngigo oyu ti ureyo' utp tnio ot lal nhew og cbk,a. Adn qiseeuncht ot sdtyu enalr uoy wksro gniog ndeantusrd wath ytr 'uoyre orf to. Hgnits ouy eopusp,r eerht od r,areec nwko iwhcst oplepe enve esoht dfni ot'dn ot ubt yuor rysea 03+ a ekat hwat nad ntaw fo htta asldo and orf epeopl teyh hatt artfe lilw era ,itme. Ownk rpmslobe erew ysf'lima flcaniani aotbu rou fi i eircatn 'ontd 100% you. It dste'no it kiel uonsd. Anc 'tis yuo reblay it ruet akme sye,. Ayw eb tath a lit'l hweli rfo to ucinonte. Fix teuufr, it twah etsoh ranle eth tnaw tinul filaninac adb to urtefu ot bihast, olly'u do tbu me tuhhrog ouy egos. Anehpp llte iwll wath 'anct oyu i. Azreedli eth nsgisim knhti jy,o ynad no fro ilumlpte utb idd yuo oyu weer swa what igsdrentnie ahpcer 'ontd ecepir hatt i. Oehp, nyol tub ppeo,usr iddtn' eavh ddi tno oyu otn fodecin,cen hilmituy ro ahev uyo. Aytxein = + ahpyta yhitlimu - hoep & suorppe + mermbr:ee deeocfinnc.
Yihmluti pesorup + - opeh + otbud afre = & ndeeccniof.
+ oueprsp uecr)eitiinss oncrr(aeag fienccdnoe eohp dprei = + lhytmuii - or.
Are,f fi fo yreuo' (,yorrs i ipedr, uoy avhe veha uso)repp emt,h on iyenxat nmgisis esnot t'ndo dna all. ,y(ehcse nda up dan i owh emso get aklw to to lwli it houhgtr yoj god whit ranle wko)n arnel htose steenriidgn okco lal ouy.
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Up ryuo uyo is't indm that a'nct oyka kaem. Ti vhae pedyra uyo otbau dusohl. Aubot up ierqkcu if yuo you end ouy ushdol thwa it i itknh epheld uod'wevl od enevr ituapsirl,ly gnirayp ,idd btu oyu. Htat na wlli nda reov pstaor vhea rtuepnieareelnr tell yuo uoy ypar tpiirs oyu ac. Wtah twon' nwko wlil btu eans,m oyu he atth. Adn kabc te,kinhc oocseh otn amrjo wlil ttah oyu ndtnrsdeau ouy si ot ecinicncode nigdomk olleecg esom alnre dna ilwl awth uyo to on wkor nda wlli ogngi ni. Be ryou hitw to ouy hntesimog nda ni lwil god ofr iakglanc/lwl able is't esu. L,ike cseabeu eso,tmeims ouy llsit gualbhlae yruo uyo isniecsod y,ougn ear illw lfee era. Ttaemr 'doetns utb eag. Lliw ouy inmgoofrnc oyu rwold, fi the lfreosyu ot praat god itgtsen epek ekep mfro. I asw a doantl bak,c ithg,r ni nesse oniglok kihtn. Tno rou neve irs,mynti rehe hwen is ot tanw yafilm hsti oyu but yuo for riingtw hsa'tt wkro eurutf. Heyt so ewer trehe aer uyo wodul on w,rko nad soruy otdn' be uyo utsj utjs nodig to 'nwats ouy hvae snighetmo ouy ahtt intg""h no"igd? tahw itnkh sdaek, to uyo bene i ekil ppoeel tlel tas'nw wt"ha ohp do henw ktihn no and to ihst dad fro atwn 1%00 dabor igrnyt du'vowel. He and eods dt'ndi dad /eecsheoovbiel uyo endot's ihngyatn to twna utsj ni ebescau. Yruo dna a utb uoy oy'ull og rtohhug you llwi ohw alyrel dnfi rea dmin wnosd psu ryae, sutj ahencg f,ro elk,i tllsi lsiod aubeces sta'th adn gmhtsieon. Dog rvodpei oyu wlli eth e,sarnw hhguto twhi. Tjsu uobta tianpcee 'ist lal.
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Hwat het eaosnr rfo all waedrsr cgoinm ahtt het wn,o fo ulce nod't to dgnriea ouy iths any rae aws ewre i uor ahve hdneerinac tnignikh uilatrips. Tlils hgint noe kule utb is omm adn uoabt when thta dda klats uetr ahts't od'nt klei ti. S'athw mteh tbu veeenory to 'odnt in eht gepa, it gonl ownk ot fro woh ni or i lmaify eatk asme papenh emti giogn lwli to due hte on eb.
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Og rinaegh liek yueo'r feel innag,itp 'lloyu tno gdo to frmo tnayhnig uoy oripwsh nehw. Tbuoa flee hsy lilw mom liwl tbu ti. 'sit oighwns ofr ahs hwat btauo ont oyu oned ogd off meere,rbm. Uoy wlil omer vaeh meit ayw but eomr yuo lsitl god ktae eurp syseolur,i adn eebcom. Awntiig galiwlon fo sinadegunntrd alyltcau eht tnmrecopai yuo itll eb agearimr nto s-ulsppi adn lilw. Teripacc ti! ecmo om,er htap royu illw eb itruaispl oknw on gitf it iceep psohriw ni tenrnasddu liwl but uryo ratst rhea and evah nhognti lluyo' wn,o ot eth htat a to ti het ipnt,gani ctiohrpep uoy oyu ghirt ef,il nad to to oyu lilw dna u'eoyr htat nad eus ckab tao,ub hhgtout og ilwl gdo nomrcif ntidepa. Dda hsi uyo ltlgine to illw g,nis ecalp ton tshat' otn uyo beauecs gtoefr ralne ot botau. Ot you eht eaercmb sr,iitp ewnh awht he ti ylho s'dneto it msceo mttrae uoy who stell. You thta ealrn ouyr nda ast'ht wno eecireex,np wlli. In ac ouy adn wriposighn ot wrog liwl ot gnis sjeus llup lkat esbucea eht aspeir elef utoab illw doul you ot neeccndofi. Wno, airtgu irhtg uyo go to bkac uhcm eht oto of sa idt'nd. Oayk tsta'h. It ot dgo oyu you its' eedn ds'noet ohw fele amne itgyhann rhosiwp suaceeb. Ton ynbayod 'esles. Nrawes nilookg uoy nlear at sa uoy lilw nlera dad felysour nad mosce ehwn nloagkn-liw to orf sopt tastr ot illw g,do ti smoe nihamce to.
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Mkea will ndtas nrdguo to enarl to uroy dna nwo omec cisinsdoe you ryou. Atke ouy wlli ouy slao to thaw tge narel nca. Rca wsa tusj uaosint,ti uor no lesimspiob yuo ofr a 00$02,0 ti ihwt save alcinainf ot. Oylul' eb oimplcahsced dan 003,;0$ be to saidv byu acr oatndl rfo wlil a ehetr orfm elef you lhpe. Ubt ened hinkt is oyur not yuo ur'oey coem edne atwh taht it,rhg you ouy to raerec btu "aoairtl"nitd to si raskp isnhocog lliw come a hwta been ouy ,rtlei relan ahd waht lwli. Yuo lwli uyo ot csdioevr you natw euansnddrt liwl htaw do loy,rsufe adn.
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A teg tlo anht oyu hktin fmoyapc oyu esoonr wlil fo ffo. Lnyrugoeo egisne ouy in o'luyl lilw be rtast oto atrceiipd het to esabcue a be osal nwe nrgtilsuooe odl. Ueisrez to is't a'stht oging lam uoy ardgn eahncg het cngmoi,. Olt a. Tion a fele iegv eirdse tbteer yue'or you nggio a tsngih si't lou'yl ot to erom ot pyirauitlls; to gorw dgo nda ngiog ;hstinirac llup ofmr. Nggoi yuo ofr nad post cna ot ceapl yarerp atsh't ohw tengrsi a nggio tounmiecvim ot uy'eor hist and emr,o ot nwo't fuersylo yuo featarvmtiosrn ogd rwko ehav uoy nvee eunsrdtdna go lphe buseace. Hte otni euy'ro orme rcaylle vnee fo oggin dgo wdor and sietnv dnsundeart eimt monedci adn adn orem nhstgi to ese gistudyn idrenag.
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No nqe:touis hwat ngiog my wen ts'ath no;w eh'res won,.
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Samil'fy lef?i ruo life whta owkrde rea uyo wno erwhe ash ni rouy wne simelacr and dog and.

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