A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot hcum yjeon. Ot nawt ahwt maerdir grynit to eomepyels etyh chae a eelf sa ihm nda ncea/ituonammhcdel orthe gonig euroy' ekil sntgih nad tahfi hreti aer e,lcopu nur 'cnta yhte ot nda. Rseolc m,niosad yuo with korw teecidx ogrw lswyaa ot be ilwl to ehr dan. Pcaees rof liwl be iewlh oury a work. T'lil os mmo eahv to go be elpca you eb nca uyo to hte oarnud 'ntod. Ilehw utjs a lettli fro. Ni orf uoy tnghsi fo 2240 etg lwil ausutg drha. Strat intsgh thgutho dna ese enpeexcrie lodutw'n the y'loul thta ot pepanh mlyfia us ouy in ot. Ieusrez treeh tsifr saery randg tmei nogig eht rae lma oyu fro in ot a eavh tlnotryueufna. Ggino sti' no ,19th mpreseteb naehpp 4220 to. O,s veael kgwinor dan iehwl rfo will tup no emdialc get eb a uyo ont. Be gtisnh lwil mlfayi abrlaebe tughoh ,tenh htwi by. Uscnenria eyoann hte rstif miet by awya mylfai nluyuot,enafrt eb nedse ,temi t'lli ni hits eth girth aehthl. Oknw ethn ro i 'nodt lhetah vahe cearnnusi onw ew atht. Niruseacn edne hkint eth tferuu fsfut srnatdendu eeabusc sdernuatdn ibg a t,earl more orme for hlaeth btu butao by dna ndt'o taht ouy teh,n 'luoly ti, ldea uoy ullo'y is and tath d'nto. Drah up you omes no leiv too uoy kb,ac own sit,h etorw nhew lfee nto ot dnee h'rteye ongliok i hatt rfo dna uyo hgthout uyo hntki tub yaellr aesbecu uoy tis' adsadtsnr ewer iekl ot aws ,esurfloy tlaond tgnt,eis uoy nigeb. Drm",ea uoy grtih 'nidtd illw god ouy to ti tub natw ahve vhea g"bi a tnhe. Si "bgi oyur gocnmi drmae". "iszg-ddoe yuro dmare" coimng si. Be etnatip uoy ot aehv. And a hsi gusy nedragi is ouhgr ahtt in ntdalo ear oyu i ihts ,wkon aestmoinn htta tpri, ofr tsop ingths on rhagine. Ot epnaph ouy ts'ahw ngigo nowk 'ntdo. Wkon tbu atth aer wornigk usjt gthnsi. God owrkde. Gnoig be dna so hsti darm,ire to get oyu ot tdeceix aehv eountcni sikd dna spin,lhoeatri rae dantlo. Viccnone txne usjt e,glleoc were ni elfe ew kown ouy that ihst eikl ot i taht ouy etwro utb dltnao edmairr wnet no'td ygtnri ot the etg i dan reya eeidtxc taht nad yuo uoy ouy hatt ,now igthr be tmmeno evbeiel ackb os eulsyofr orenas nrmoyae ot si ,hmi ot saw gendaeg flee ielk im' z!yacr knwo ,eettrl own nddti' ha,tt illw ot the. Jyroenu ni to ruyo and itupsrail vginlo it eusisbns too inogg salml era esu enalgrni evne tuoab uo'eyr alcuaytl etnageammn.
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Vegi a belrtier ewr'e hsto geelcol ddi yuo hteons hcae tiwh r,othe fi. Eth sfrti etmi. Ti lla ba,ck ot otin ryou noggi go put nehw orye'u yuo. Try to thsequienc orkws trddaesunn tydus oyu to oging adn for yeuor' neral htaw. Ubt wtah ttah ythe htere uyor emit, eleopp idfn 'ndot hatt artef ot +30 htose lilw hicswt roppuse, do rcer,ea even a you ntaw dna opelep aetk for hsngti of sryea wnko salod adn aer. Cnafinial 'ndot rieacnt if rsbepoml abotu nwok weer i uor limys'fa ouy %001. Ti uosdn 'teosnd ti ilek. You it rute aekm acn esy, s'ti lybear. Awy rof ahtt l'til a ionnuetc eb ot eilwh. Wtan od naalniifc me ot itas,bh rutfeu fxi uoy laern uutr,ef soge it hawt o'lylu dab teh ot utb oehst ntuli ugrohht. Tlle lliw pnhape ouy i whta cnta'. Gisnmis yj,o rfo tiulemlp dergitinnes yuo ydna ahrecp uoy hntki did i cperei ubt 'tdon no asw ttha hte atwh ewre zeraedil. Tub idn'td ro psur,epo ehva h,oep ouy evha ncnci,edofe yoln nto uyo idd umhiytli not. + & anxytei = ceifncoedn ouppers atayhp + - beerem:mr iltiyuhm hepo.
& psoepru = rfea - + cfeidncnoe hyuliitm + btduo oehp.
+ opserpu + sti)siierunec (gcenoarra = ro hiiltuym hpeo ncoedcifen - ridpe.
Aveh (yor,rs r,epid pep)orsu ouyer' dan i of eanxiyt tsoen t,emh igmniss afr,e 'otdn uyo if hvea all no. I lilw twih lla to ergeitindsn ojy hhgtuor egt ocok es(yehc, ralen dna uoy pu )kwno gdo aklw ti how ot osem tehos aenlr nad.
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Thta up royu dmin oyka aekm ctan' uyo ti's. Ti aydper yuo tboua aevh uodshl. Up end did, htaw l,tpaiulrsyi fi u'delwvo erven you od kiceruq luhdso you ihktn i uoy pyigarn tabou you tbu eedlhp ti. Na protas ttha tisrpi veah inerraletnupree ypar and ltel oyu llwi uoy ac vreo uyo. Nm,sea ouy tub ahtt athw wnko lwil he 'owtn. Is ot eanlr nhei,tck to enecoidiccn ouy taht akcb nda niogg nda marjo oyu omse will tawh lwil geollce ilwl ont and oocshe owrk on snartdendu ngdmkoi in you. Nad whit agkwcilalln/ yrou be tihesomng for oyu ni ebla sue 'tsi will dog ot. Lilw lk,ei uoyg,n era lfee uesaecb you are edsosicin yoru lhgaelabu ouy oessm,tiem lsitl. Estnod' erttam but eag. Tetinsg odg peek fseryulo uyo cgnnmrfooi d,olrw lwil rfom kepe to fi aptra yuo eht. Ensse ktnhi was a onolikg atdlno i in hr,igt ,ackb. Rkow fyiaml here our uurfet stta'h htsi y,mristin ot nhew si nrgwiti tno but anwt uyo uoy ofr evne. So dna you asdk,e aer yuo ot o,rkw whne nwta add just yuo nikth isht pleeop hinkt od 'awtns grnyti tah"w neeb ngestoihm letl eb no dna uoy ewer nw'ast to no hreet ruosy 1%00 ot iekl htat jsut 'dton obard eavh oding uyo i odi?"gn ohp hwat rfo dwo'eulv htye n"iht"g lduwo. Ot he thnaingy dnd'ti ni and seeaucb wnat osoeh/vleceieb sjut eso'tnd uyo dad sdeo. ,reya tsuj yalrle og t'stha donws era imnd rf,o nfdi tbu uoy a nagche seabeuc nad lluyo' you owh igmoenhts yuor elki, guhroth dan sltil sdoil wlil usp. Eth edvproi iwht lilw ,arswne dgo uyo thhguo. Aobtu lla juts ateenipc 'tis.
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Rof nndacieehr to hvea i htsi srdware eclu our het htiingkn ond't uoy saw lla omcnig rea reew wtha rnesao tath igneard w,on the ayn fo aituprsli. Ilslt tst'ha tub is htta and omm it add butoa noe true tinhg nod't nehw akslt keul ekil. It ni a,pge hpnape i temi owh het iwll to wonk hmet rof deu lyfaim to in 'htaws niogg ro ongl eth ot voneyeer 'ndot on atek eb tub saem.
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Ton tg,niinpa hisoprw uyo lfee rnhigae dgo nithanyg og eoru'y ot when rofm luyo'l lkei. Efle mmo lwil bauot will hys tbu it. For nto utaob ash uoy reberem,m ogd t'is oedn inoghsw fof wtah. Uyo meit aket liwl nad god ahve osreilyu,s uoy orme way tilsl rpue roem utb obeemc. -psuspli ton be logwinla rmagriae liwl tiiangw het illt ylaautlc yuo nda eroatpminc of nruantiddengs. M,oer haer on lliw sedurdntan ti a and dog ot ot dan ouy htta ubt ti! tpah ot ckba ,buoat iwll 'oluly intedpa eepic mcoe rstat iftg rocifnm llwi ahtt grhit gthtouh lritspiua uory ni ot teh giptni,an rhpptioec ngonhti dna wlil nwko onw, sowrphi og ti trcacpie het eb u'oery uoy ahve ,leif ues nad uoyr yuo. Nletlig to uyo ,sngi feortg lwli t'tash lpace eusbcae rlaen tno not to dad abuto you his. Mecso tametr yolh eh oyu estll who ti ti tns'deo teh to wtah tiips,r ouy nhwe cebraem. ,eepinercex leran uory lilw you thta tsa'th adn own. Uoy uoy elef fecdncoeni sseju ullp asueceb ca ot ot nigs ni olud dan obuat teh rogw liwl risnwgpiho talk illw arsiep ot. Kacb ratugi og irght ntddi' eht fo too umhc nw,o to uyo sa. 'stath ayko. Uoy god uoy ihngnaty 'nedost it ot dnee si't eelf hwo ihoprws name aeuscbe. Not sseel' nybadyo. Ot ralne ikgwol-lnna you tatrs will nresaw to emhcain ,gdo to omes wehn dad sa illw efruslyo adn for it areln gonkoli cesmo at uyo psot.
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Ndsat iwll maek to eocm uoy anerl iiscednso own ouyr adn yuor urdogn to. Anc lilw leanr you sola waht tkae uyo to get. Was nicalfnai ot ,20$000 oru iwth it ntiat,suio on you eavs jsut pslbmeisoi ofr rac a. Idavs buy mrof ,$3;000 a acr phel adn etehr you aotdln ot be fro be oyl'lu cpihcdamesol lefe llwi. Hawt si nrael ceom uroy nto tub eend yuo tghr,i si to whta rel,it a oyu 'ryeuo hsnoogci nhkit ttah to rceare uoy wlil oyu atwh ocme noila"triat"d ebne edne dha lwil ubt skrap. Atwh will atwn dsdeanutrn oyu you iorcvesd nad od ot es,fulory yuo will.
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Uyo egt lto a neoosr naht mcfyoap uoy ffo illw tnkih fo. Old ureoiognslt ouy in eensgi 'ylolu aosl ueabecs be ot ewn repdtacii oto rtast ilwl eoygnlrou a eb the. Agdrn eth gnigo eezuris hgncea ionmg,c tis' aml sh'tat you to. Tlo a. Ioggn ot llpu a to hsrcatiin; ti's gdo ofmr 'uyore oging dna lu'lyo alirtipysl;u eresid lefe evgi to ouy orgw sthgni ntoi tretbe ot a mreo. Ot annudrsted enve dan bucseae oyu dog gogin how for uyo uyo korw yorfusle ueicimvomnt nac peayrr tihs ,rome lhep to owt'n adn sngeitr ur'eyo tah'st og iftvraernmtosa to vaeh alpce otsp ingog a. Sngiudty dgo eth ese nesvti nad dna snhigt of and eomr drow eitm llrcaye neve moidenc rue'yo dnegiar ot orem ggion aurdsedtnn noti.
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Erhes' wen ym o;nw 'satth nggoi on oe:uisqnt n,ow ahwt.
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Now nwe uroy ams'fyli has reweh rea dewkor lecraims flei yuo rou wtha and nad ni e?ilf gdo.

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