A letter from May 24, 2023

Dear Future Valentinne I write to you just as I recently turned seventeen. So I'll tell you about the details of my life in these hard moments. The first half of this year, 2023. These past weeks, now months, have been precisely tough. It's been hard; That's all I can say for now everyday and every night... It's been hard. After dropping out of my local theatre school, my life changed, both for better and worse. I wasn't quitting theatre, or at least I thought so, but I was unhappy there most of the times, as I felt isolated. When I left, no-one batted an eyelid, that's how I comprehended everyone was replaceable, so the day you'll be gone, everyone will continue exactly what they were doing. It will be forbidden to mention your name, or the memories they had with you, eventually, somebody will take your place, for the last time someone will remember you there, and then, your memory will be gone, as if you weren’t even part of the scene, the seasons changed. It was the 8th of April, it was night. Grandma was sleeping in my bed, as I made the determining decision of sleeping on my old baby cot, now turned into a small bed. Once I laid I perceived some sort of discomfort. A light coming from the window. I got up and I realized it was the moon, but I never saw her like that before, she was shining like the sun. I took a picture that night, a picture of my room, which reminded me of a bittersweet yet cherished memory of mine back in 2020, when my grandma was sleeping in my bed, and I was laying in my old cot, just like this moment, however, I was in love in that time, three years later, I was still in love. That night sealed my destiny, since there was no turning back. My happiness was over, theatre was over, school was soon over too, my love had to be over, and new things came by, just as old feelings made a visit. Some time after I took the picture I realized the date it was taken. It was Jong’s birthday… The 15th of April, emotions and memories flooded me, as a wave of nostalgia flowed like a breeze with glimpses of melodies and tunes, that was the day the pain started to spread. A familiar sensation invaded me, pain, sorrow, despair, grief, mourn, torment, anger... fear. That night, I couldn't sleep, I wept, sobbed, until I was off I did the same the next day, however, after that night something changed me. I signed myself up the next day for the “night of the hawk”, an annual school event. I felt like I had to sing that song. I'm not sure why I felt like that, but I spent the next days working the hardest with all my effort, and I was very committed, for Jong, in respect, regard, and as a tribute. I did it. Maybe because I was sad and lonely, and felt like my life had no meaning nor purpose anymore, because it hit me suddenly, once again. After all those years of knowing him, I wrapped my mind around the fact that it happened to him, and it was to him, and so to many. Many people out there. I was very afraid. Afraid because I did not want this to happen again, I feared, and my soul couldn't handle it. Nevertheless, on April 19th, 2023, a tragedy occurred. I was in shock and disbelief, as the seconds then minutes passed, a couple of teardrops fell to the table as I was working. My breathing became heavy and it was harder to bear, until I couldn't hold it more. That day I sang my lungs out, but the day after I didn't sing at all. That night and the next one, for the first time in years, I prayed. I kneeled on my bed, with eyes closed, tears suffocating me, and just words. I realized that prayers come from the heart. Those two days after Bin's loss, it was my presentation at the auditorium. I sang, I left. But I'll always remember, being on stage, and looking up... because to me, that song was to them, wherever they were, in the vast sky full of stars or amongst this very air. I felt lighter after, and the next few days too. My birthday was coming up.. It felt weird, since I've hated that day for years. The day came, it was a good day, no bad feelings or bawling as a habit of past years. Things got bad the days after. I cried to the moon, a lot of times. One night, it disappeared, with all the little stars around, and the sky was only pitch black. It was never the same after that. Ever since that day, I haven't found the moon again, I haven’t seen her again anywhere in the sky. I feel… empty. I couldn’t grasp the sense of loss, I couldn’t understand, I couldn't accept, I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t wake up, the nightmare was bound to be infinite and cold. Those days... the rain didn't stop. Everyday was exactly as bad as the other. There was no sun. There's no food, we couldn't afford it. The bathroom pipes broke, The fridge also stopped working. I realized that my baby cot was very uncomfortable, I felt like that a lot of times ever since I started sleeping there. The springs were about to pierce me. I realized I reached the 'indifferent' point in my life again, which is a moment of freedom, a breathing space, where in the best case scenario there’s shadow work, strength, peace of mind, improvement from within. And in the worst one, it's those urges to commit. I saw the moon again, after longing for so long, it was full and it was very bright. It was peeking through my window just like that very first day, almost two months ago, on the night of Jong's birthday. I finished watching 'Boys Over Flowers' and i'm almost finished with 'Coffee Prince' 00's love dramas are the only thing that can give me comfort right now, since money and men can't. Tomorrow, my pre-ordered limited edition of the album 'five star' arrives home, finally :) I'm excited to see my first photocards ever. I've found something exciting in my life for the third time this year, thus, I'm happy. Today, It's been exactly two months since Bin's been gone. I still think it's weird and it's hard to accept it. Deep down, I wish it's not true at all, and I still wish, one day waking up to how life was before this year started. If only things could stay the way they are. I couldn't stop thinking about these words for the past two months, they make me think of many things. "...So, get me out of here Get me out of here Get me out of here Get me out of here You'll change your name Or change your mind And leave this ****** up place behind But I'll know I'l know I'll know I'll know I'll know I'll know I'll know I'll know ..." You know, Dad brought me a small tree made of wires and purple led lights . Every night I'd turn it on, and with a wish or some thoughts in mind I'd turn it off, like blowing candles. One night, the lights stopped working, the battery had run out, although, just minutes before I noticed, the lights were still there, but I forgot I turned them on, so when I wanted to say some things before going to sleep, it was too late, the lights were already gone. ----------------- Val, when you see this, It'll be 3 years since you've got your first photocards 20/06/23 <3 Next letter will come six months after this one :)