A letter from Jun 19, 2023

Dear Future Me, Today you turned 16, next year when you'll receive this letter, you'll be 17. Last year you were 15, how fast the time flew. I don't know how a birthday should feel, are you suppose to feel a little better or miserable than the rest of the days on your birthday? I really really don't know. When we were young, things were so simple and easy. It's all different now, i don't feel anything on my birthday, i wish it never came. It always feels miserable, and i don't know why or what happens to me, i suddenly burst out crying out of nowhere when I'm alone. I don't have any trauma **** in my life. Nevermind, let me write down how today went, so you could read it a year later about it. It was just like another normal day with the same routine. I woke up, freshened myself, mom dad went to work, i was alone at home (yay I love this time of the day), i watched a show, completed it, did my homework and studied for a while, read a book (the mountain is you, this book's a reality slap on my face), had lunch, went for waxing, came home and applied a face mask, again started reading, washed my face, dad came back from work, he brought a cake, mom came a bit late (she had a bad day, i feel sorry for her), my two cousins came over, we cut the cake and then they went home. Dad went out again, it's just me and my mom now, she's watching some show on mobile and here I'm writing to myself. My favourite time is when I'm all alone, i just like it, i put on some music and dance shamelessly. I didn't want to cut any cake or celebrate it cause already my parents are spending so much money on my education, it's out of our financial capacity. Still, they're doing it for me and upon that buying a cake and all. And then later complaining about how money is getting out of hands. I know they love me, they're doing everything for me to provide me with the best, and I'm really grateful for that. I'm trying to work hard too. It's just that idk how to put this in words, i try to avoid buying clothes or any thing because i don't want to spend their money, i just feel so guilty for making them spend so much money. Money is not the problem, as it always comes back. I don't know this feeling which I'm feeling, idk how to describe it, it's like i feel it everyday at the end of the day, and today I'm just feeling it more in my throat, gut, and it's hurting me, i don't like my birthday, i don't like the attention that comes with it, the act of making someone special just cause it the day they were born and suddenly boom forgetting about them tbh i don't care if anyone forgets me, it's just that i don't want anyone to make me feel special, i can do it myself or just go browse on Pinterest for some self love ****. i don't like when someone else celebrates my birthday, it just feels so weird, i used to like it when i was young, now, i just don't. It's just that i don't feel home when I'm with people. I appreciate people (my mom would say otherwise), i really do, but the thing is i don't like when they try to get close. Because i always ghost people when they try to get close, i don't do it on purpose, it's just happens, that's why I avoid making anyone my "friend". I feel home when I'm alone, dancing in the sunlight which comes through my window, when i talk with myself in the mirror or when i pretend I'm the main character in some movie and trying on clothes. I feel home the most, when no one's looking. I like my solitude time. In a nutshell, today, 19th June 2023, was just like a normal day, how soon it came and how soon it'll be finishing within just one hour, it went by fast just like my other days. Today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is going to be better than today. I just want you to know that this year (2024) focus on yourself, focus on improving yourself and challenging yourself, i won't lie, this year's gonna be tough, you've to make extra efforts if you want to get in your dream uni. I know, that you can do it, i trust in you, and even I'll do as much as hardwork it takes and make you proud of your 16 year old self. Many many happy returns of the day to me, it gets better, trust me. It's all going to work out in the end and it will be worth all your years of hardwork. I'm not putting any pressure on you. I know you. Don't work under pressure, it's not your thing. I love you me, and I'm proud of how far you've come, and I'm always going to be proud of you. You do you. With love, your younger self.