A letter from Jun 14, 2023

Dear FutureMe, 2:56 am 13/06/2023 I am so, so confused. For years I thought that I was a lesbian girl but lately I've been getting crazy dysphoria from guys and mlm couples. I find myself wishing that I was a guy and in a mlm relationship. Like yk yeah I'll watch wlw relationships and be like "omg stop that's cute I want it too" but then I'll watch mlm relationships and I will just be depressed for a week bc i want it too and I'll keep rewatching and rewatching the videos of them. I just wish I was born a boy but at the same time I love being a lesbian, but honestly to be fair I don't if I love it or if I just feel like bc I have been labeled like that for years I feel like I have to love it. I think that Im unlabeled and non binary but I am not sure. I will not tell anything to anyone till I figure it out. Every time I see a mlm couple in a tv show/movie/tiktok I just feel so sad bc I want it too. But I don't think I'm trans? Like yk it would be way too much to transition and stuff plus I just don't think that gender fits me. I am just, me. Like yk? Why does life have to be confusing and why do we have to label things. Its way too complicated for no reason. I am just me and I like who I like why do I have to clarify it and give it labels. I hate it. The other day I got a haircut and the hairdresser cut it shorter than I had told her and when I wore a hood i looked like a boy or to word it better I looked so masculine, I cannot describe the happiness that I got when I looked at the mirror and saw myself. But after some days I got a tank top and I felt so feminine with the way my chest looked and I liked it but it's nothing like the way it was with the haircut. I am so ******* confused and idk if I'm trans if I'm non binary if I'm a girl if im *** if im a lesbian if like girls if like boys if I like myself when im feminine or not. The only thing I know is that Im comfortable with any pronouns. Like idc call she, they, he, idgaf. When someone calls me girl it's just idk how to say it? Like nothing it's just meaningless to me, but when I get called a boy I get that weird feeling but not bad weird I also get kinda happy but I don't want to admit it. Basically to sum up, when I say that Im a girl,I like girls and only girls. But when I feel like Im a boy I like boys. BUT THE PROBLEM IS THAT IDFK MY GENDER. I used to see hot girls on my fyp and I would freak out but now after realising all of that I'm just like "oh she's cool" and then scroll, on the other hand I'll see a hot boy and I'll get SO JEALOUS of him and then I'll be sad for the next hours. Like my ideal life was to be a cis boy, with piercings and fluffy hair and play guitar and have those skinny masc veiny hands with rings and black nail polish and abs but like skinny abs idk how to describe it and be able to go to the beach shirtless and be in love with a boy and to wear eyeliner but in a masc way and have a sharp jawline. OR THEIR STUPID MASC VOICES THAT I JUST WISH I COULD HAVE AND JUST EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A CIS TEENAGE BOY AHSHSJBSSB. OR THEIR NECKS WITH THE ADDAMS APPLE LIKEE But like at the same time I hate men and love women yk