A letter from Jun 10, 2023

Dear FutureMe, hi stupid sound kar sakta hai but being the therapist friend is my problem. they all are struggling so much, worse than me (my friends) and i know what it is like to have no one there for you and aap bas akele bed pe legit zinda laash ki tarah pade rehte ho. I have felt suicidal in the past but its better now but i am afraid i might go back there again, for now i feel like i am merely just existing, i want to be a doctor, i play table tennis professionally but this will be my last year, and i have a top 5 rank in my district in table tennis, i ve also performed in state but i had this desire ki aakhri saal hai 11th me nhi khel paungi, to iss saal nationals hit karna hai but i have been feeling so demotivated apne aas paas ke logon ki success ko dekh ke. i am not jealous, me bas ye sochne lagti hu ki me ye kar hi nhi sakti, unn jaisa ban hi nhi sakti, they are something different.i feel like a lost cause ki koi aim nhi hai life mai koi purpose nhi life me, and what hurts me the most is ki i am always there for my friends and they are not- they are not toxic or something, they just cant and it pierce me no matter me kitna bi kehlu no i dont expect anything in return i want you to watch "alice in anxiety land" by sainee raj please, that might help you understand a part of what all are drowning us, i tried to cut my veins only to come to know after a few months in bio class that those suicidal cases cut arteries and obviously ye doubt bhi mera hi tha class me trust me mere class me me kud kitno ko janti hu who self harm and are on the verge of just suicide and me aisi insaan hu that i will die to help someone out of that dark pit. i dont even know what i want anymore....maybe to feel something, to feel alive again, maybe self harm would help, maybe that pain would make me feel atleast something. some days are tough but ye hamare elawa aur kisi ko nhi dikhta...the sad reality jo chah kr bhi atleast me to change nhi kar sakti. (i write poems but i dont like sharing them, i was posting it under a pen name) but my bestfriend knew i write and i showed her once or twice and recently she asked me to send her some more and when i denied, she got hurt and went like, "just dont talk to me ever again.......and m not joking...i really wanted to read one of your poems....but i guess its hard for you to send one" this was her exact message, she never respects my sentiments or my boundaries but i am expected to not even get close to her boundary, but she has been hthrough so much and because of this, i never give up on anyone. But sometimes its hard and i need someone jiske samne i can cry. i havent cried in front of anyone in like probably 5 years (except once in front of my coach because i was dissapointed in myself for losing a match to a junior) ik i should understand that they can not be there for me but atleast dont turn your head away when i am legit calling out for help papa ka alag hi hai neet nikalna hai and this stupid institution jisme papa donation dete hai, mereko nhi jaana waha yaar samjha karo. i want to score 95 but impossible lagta hai, 9th me 75 aaye i dont even recognize myself anymore, me aisi nhi thi, kya ho gya yaar mujhe. i was never insecure of my body image, i wouldnt feel unsafe around a guy, i was assaulted by a guy numerous times, but bolna nhi aata tha that time. mereko legit hallucination hota hai ki wo banda mere bagal me hai ya uss kursi pe baitha hai, i ve never felt safe around any guy ever since balki ek life threat feel hota hai. mujhe khud stupid lagta hai koi aur mujhe bole but i got attched emotionally to someone and when they moved on with their life leaving me behind, i laid in bed for a year and thats how my academics was ruined. i cried for anoter year but phir school tha. i dont much care about him now but mai itne jaldi ye nhi jaanna chahti thi ki forever is an illusiion i wanted to believe in forever thatyes friendship lasts forever ki yes mai teri shaadi me aungi agar tu aayegi to! i just want someone to guide me through and once i get the ladder i ll cimb on my own but right now i am in desperate need of help and i dont know what i would do if i dont.