A letter from Jun 09, 2023

Dear Future me i hope youre doing ok. its pretty hard right now and im currently struggling quite a bit. i worry about you a lot. i feel like i sometimes spend too much time thinking about you and how youve turned out. so much that i fear im wasting the present. with the date ive chosen you should be 25 if this goes correctly, i really hope you dont read this and think ‘**** i really did waste my early 20s’. maybe im putting too much pressure on myself worrying about how i hope everythings going okay.i know 25 is still really young so its okay if everything is a little upside down but i really hope somewhere along the line i fixed some things. this probably doesnt make sense, im not great at writing down my thoughts. i am currently unemployed and i feel very lost. i dont know what im doing or where i want to go. i just long for a life of travelling. i hope youve travelled a little more. maybe im just running from my life or whatever, i guess only time will tell. i dont want to hold unrealistic expectations to myself but i really hope youve figured a way out of this stuck feeling i have. its okay if right at this moment youre not in the best way, i dont expect 3 or so years to have fixed everything. whatever it is youre doing im proud of you. i just hope for your sake youre a little better off. i feel mean writing this about my present self. i dont want you to read this and feel sorry for me, wishing i was kinder to myself. i know i compare myself a lot to everyone else and i know its a bad habit. but im hopeful. im hopeful for you. i dont think i really was before writing this down. well, sometimes i am but most times i dread the future. im scared that youre still present me. that we havent changed or grown or learnt. but when im hopeful, i know that youve done some travelling, even if its not a lot. i hope youve made it to bloody australia by now (its okay if not, that place is a ***** to get to). but this is something i really dream of right now so im going to assume you wouldve done so by now if everythings gone to plan. maybe not, maybe youve completely changed. maybe youre not even that bothered about travelling anymore. im hoping for christmas 2023 to be abroad somewhere doing a work experience thing. christmas is tough. i hope its not for you anymore. right now im just reminded of how tough the past few years have been. if im being totally honest i dont really mention my dad anymore. i try not to think about it. i feel too guilty, there’d be so much id change if i could. i wish i was kinder, i wish i didnt leave so much and that i tried harder at looking after him. i hope youve forgiven me. ive avoided writing about this because i dont think i can really face it yet. i feel so guilty. and then i feel even more guilty for completely ignoring it altogether. i know i need to be kinder to myself and i know i need to forgive myself. i hope youve figured that out. i hope youve found something you enjoy doing. hopefully something creative. all i ever managed to show my dad was that i wasnt good at college and i didnt have anything i could proudly say i did. i hope youve got something now that youre really proud of or at least something youre working towards. whatever it is as long as youre putting effort in, im proud of you. wherever you are whatever youre doing i just hope youre happier and that youve found your way out of this dark time. and i hope you dont worry so much about future you!! i think ive clearly done enough of that for our lifetime. stop worrying everything will be okay !!