A letter from Jun 07, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hi. I feel pretty ****** rn tbh. I may seem like one of those weird kids who just wanna be quirky and think mental illnesses are cool but I’m not trying to come across like that nor do I think that way. Well I try not to, though I can’t help it sometimes. I know it’s normal at this age you don’t have to tell me. I don’t know if I’ll still have this email. Probably not. I’ll probably never get this back. This is just for random things that might need one to sign up for. I do hope you’re still alive. Though I’m not sure if you will be. I wonder how I’m the world I survived high school, because it seems pretty impossible the way I see it right now. I can’t see it getting better. Well of course, I can, but I don’t imagine it will. I hope you are doing well and I hope Sophie is still alive. Even if we aren’t friends anymore, I don’t care. I just hope she is okay. And that Chris (sophies abusive stepdad) is out of her families life. I hope George is okay. He deserves the world. I wonder if you transitioned or if it is just a phase. I wonder if I look good now? Or have a partner that I actually like and want to be with and is good to me. If I’m with someone that isn’t, please don’t stand for that. You deserve better. I deserve better. It feels so strange thinking about what my life will be like in the future because I have no goals. No things I want to do in life. I don’t want to be alive but I don’t want to **** myself because I don’t want to hurt my loved ones (George and Sophie mainly). I won’t **** myself, it’s too selfish. I won’t because it is probably my biggest fear (other that my brother going through what I went through) that Sophie or George will and can’t imagine how I would recover. I won’t put them through that if I can help it. I self harm sometimes and I am starting to just feel more numb the last few days. I want to feel the pain and to feel the blood run down my arm or skin in general. But I won’t. I’m not. Because last time I did it a little on my arms, I got too hot in my long sleeves and uncomfortable in short sleeves and I told myself if I ever did it again, it would be my stomach. It feels less good there, but it’s so much easier to hide. I realised over the last year how ****** up my brain is. I did this **** to myself I don’t even care what you say. It’s true. I don’t have trauma. If I do, I gave it to myself. I haven’t been abused mentally or physically. I haven’t been raped. I haven’t been looked at inappropriately or treated badly. I haven’t done drugs or drank or smoked or vaped. I love Lil Peep. His music is always beautiful to me. And so is he. I wish I could’ve gone to one of his concerts before he died. I want to get fangs (only small) when I’m older, split my tongue and have hand tattoos. Bit cringe, I know, but I just think it’s a really cool look. Maybe in the future they’ll be more people who dress alternative. Maybe less. I don’t want sleeve tattoos, I prefer the ones where it’s just a few dotted around that look fairly good together. I don’t want coloured tattoos, I don’t think they look as good. Obviously they can look good, but I just don’t want them on me. I dislike my body, though I’m lucky that I am thin. I’d rather have a slightly more attractive figure and less body hair. I’d actually love to have been blonde. I love blonde hair I think it’s so pretty (also, I could dye it black and the roots would grow blonde naturally which I think is a really cool hairstyle). It would also mean my body hair would be blonde and lighter? I guess that’s how it works? Maybe I’m wrong idfk. Cringe alert. I hate my “*****”. They aren’t that big yet but I really hope they don’t grow anymore. I hate them. I wish so badly I could have just been born a guy. ****, it would have been so much better. Maybe I would have done more sport from a younger age and then had more friends. I could be handsome and play basketball topless in the park in summer with my friends. One of those cool kids you either want to be or be friends with or date. I wish I could have that guy-teen experience I guess. I never will have a normal one. Not if I transition. I’ll never be a really guy. And even if I dont, I doubt I’ll be a real girl. I don’t want to be non-binary because I’m not. I hate they/them pronouns on myself. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. Some people use them on me because they’re confused about my gender. I’m lucky for that I guess. Not being too feminine. I have fairly wide shoulders. I could get away with being a guy, but the hassle of coming out and getting a new name and pronouns. Too much. Why did it have to be like this? I wonder what you’re like now, huh? It’s so so difficult to imagine. I honestly don’t know. I can’t remember last week, but I don’t think I’ll forget writing this for a while. I really hope I still have this email at whatever time I send this to. I really hope so. I want you to read this and be better. Or I guess you could be looking back and thinking, “huh. I guess I was always a lost cause.” or maybe feel bad because you feel like you’ve “let your younger self down” or some stupid ****. ***** you didn’t let me down. You being alive rn amazes me. Idk how tf u got this far but I’m so so proud of you. Even if no one else is I don’t care. I am. So. So. So. Proud. I hate you. But I’m proud of you for staying. The state of the world is so ******. The state of the children, adults, teens. Everything is going downhill rapidly. People are stupid. Women aren’t safe. No one is safe to be honest. Children are being taught bad things and being raised and twisted by the internet. LISTEN. THE CHILDREN. ARE BEING RAISED. BY THE INTERNET. Its disgusting and scares the **** of me. The **** people have to go through because of peoples selfish decisions. Everyone is lost. There’s no way people can save the world now in my eyes. The best advice I could give to you would be to just try and enjoy what you can. Your time is limited. Your time is pointless. Make the most of it. Enjoy it. To be honest, no one cares who you are or what you’re doing. Some see that as bad but it’s really a good thing. Do what you want man. Be yourself. If someone’s hurting you, don’t let them get away with it. Don’t cope. Leave them. Or fight back. Idk. There’s no point in staying with suffering if you have a choice. No one cares. Just do you and enjoy it. Those ******* aren’t worth a thing. They don’t deserve you. Anyway, I hope you’re good whatever you’re doing. I hope you actually get this. I don’t even know if this app works, but it’s worth a try. I’ll be upset if it isn’t because i spend like half an hour writing this. I’m not reading it through so excuse any typos. It should’ve autocorrected but if it didn’t then, oh well. Okay bye. (Rose. 12 years old.)