A letter from Jun 04, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Tonight is one of those nights where your, or our, heart feels heavy. I’m afraid to admit that this happens almost every single time i come home. A wave of nostalgia greets me as i pass by the beautiful red bridge and along with it comes memories, happiness, and especially pain. I don’t want this to be once again a letter of heartbreak and sadness, but what else do i write about? This is what i feel, and i fear that i won’t be able to overcome it anytime soon. I write because this is how i can express myself but I’m tired of writing letters to someone i know would not care and I can’t bear to actually send them what i have written. So, i write to you: the only person who understands me. Currently, i fear that i will be alone in the years to come. I fear that i won’t be able to find someone who can handle all of me. The crazy, loud, messy me. I’m not desperate for a relationship, but i would like to have someone who sees me for me. The real, raw, genuine me. I fear that my past relationships have scarred me too much that i may never open up myself again. I fear that the men that have hurt me, my mama, my sisters, are the kind of men that I would welcome into my life. To prevent that, i enclose myself in this little comfy bubble. I don’t allow myself to love or be loved. I don’t allow myself to become vulnerable. Ever. I fear that this is the kind of person that i will be forever. I fear that i will become worse, incapable of feeling or giving love. Future me, i hope that by today, 3 years from now, you are a much better version than who i currently am. I hope that you are able to love as much as you want to be loved, and to not be afraid to become who you are despite the possibilities of encountering ugly love. Most importantly, i hope you don’t fear being alone. You are strong and passionate, and I know you've got this. All the love, J xxx