A letter from May 29, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I don't keep people because I need them. I'm learning to detach myself whenever I feel that I'm being needy of someone. Contentment is peaceful. I keep them because I want them. And I wouldn't want to keep someone like me either. Self sabotaging. Settling for less. Someone who never prioritizes her own needs and is harsh on herself. I would be in so much pain if I saw someone I love being blinded and forgetting that she's worthy of love. That she, too, deserved every happiness that this world could offer. So I want to be better. I could lose those people who truly love me because I'm making it difficult for them to love me. Self-love leads to healthier relationships. If self-love is served, it becomes easier to allow others to love us and enjoy the feeling of being loved in return. I know I have been rejecting it because I believed that someone like me never deserved the good things in this world. I thought I knew everything about love. I thought it was all about being a masochist and loving the pain that everyone gives you. You become so addicted that you unconsciously beg for it. Because if pain is absent, you think there's something wrong. You have been too addicted to the feeling of contributing too much to other people's lives, forgetting to leave something for yourself, You were mistaken. You go around telling people how beautiful your life is. How healthy your relationship with others is. You go around thinking that you can heal everyone because you thought you were okay and you have the capacity and means to do so. You go around thinking that you can save everyone. You go around thinking that you are strong, and you have to be, because you have a lot of people to protect. You go around believing that everything is fine. But all you are is someone who is delusional. Let's be realistic here, Enough with the false progression. Enough with all of your imagination. Nothing is fine. Being too hard on yourself is not fine. You, keeping other people's needs first is not fine. You, tricking yourself into thinking that in order to be loved, you must have something worthy to offer in return. Dear, don't lose yourself in your imaginary world. --------------------------- I'm learning. I am growing. It's just that being loved is so beautiful. I want to protect myself from everything. And I'll do it the right way this time. at last, I know that no matter what happens, I'll always have a home to go back to.