Sleepless Mornings

Dear FutureMe, It’s 5:31 AM, and I’m laying in the dark not caring that I’m scared of it but indulging myself in it since it’s the only thing I relate to these days. A knowledge that there is potential for something in it yet it feels empty. I've spent years believing I have no purpose in a life that only brought me down and not wanting one was good with me but something in me this year has changed. I want a purpose, I want a reason to live and I want a life with ambition. Years of wanting to end my life just to realize that boredom was the one doing the job. Boredom is a sharper knife than pain. Boredom held hands with my depression and it’s my life’s greatest companion. But I’ve been breaking off many friendships recently so I’ve decided to cut boredom off as well. I never knew how embedded it was in me until I went through the withdrawals and I still am. I feel it pressing on my chest and itching my skin. I’m so bored without boredom- it has become a part of me. Pulling on my skin and wearing it; exactly like a shapeshifter. As much as I try to get rid of it boredom follows the same path I do, it knows my routine like the back of its hand. Lingering in the shadows waiting for the right moment to attack. I get attacked a lot. I’m bruised and bleeding. Nowhere to go until I’ve given up to it and then it seeps into my blood again. Dragging me to bed with my eyes open staring at the plain ceiling. Depression comes to visit every once in a while, she strokes my head and whispers sweet nothings into my ear. I always thought depression was kind to me, she did all the work for me. Tucked me in bed, sang me lullabies, and kisses my eyes until sleep got a hand of me. Nowadays I can’t stand her, she’s manipulating sleep as well. They work hand in hand, depression works for boredom but sleep is in love with depression. Now that she can’t paint that stupid picture that she always plays in my head; sleep is mad at me. How can I not hate her though when she made me believe I was never going to amount to anything. That I’m a burden, I annoy everyone in my life and I’m a victim of their choices. Sleep doesn’t let me in anymore and wakes me up with nightmares when he does. As much as I hate boredom and depression I think sleep and I can still mend our relationship if I can push depression and her little whispers away from him. He was so nice to me before, always let me in when I’ve had a rough day, let me stay in on my off days. I pray we can go back to the way we were. 6:23 AM