A letter from May 24, 2023

Dear Zi, It’s yourself from the past. 3 years ago today. It’s 5am, May 25th 23. I just woke up from an ex phone call. He was stuttering and hangs up after a minute. He haven’t said anything but how sorry he was for waking me up in my sleep. Deep down i know what he’s trying to say and i cross my heart hoping to be wrong because i’ve been there years ago. Calling at 3am out of the blue, telling him how much i want him in my life. begging, even. After years of no contact, we recently become friends again. so i really hope to be wrong this time. I can’t help but to notice this pain i’ve been feeling lately. It’s like i managed to see the big picture just now when the silence is the loudest. And the harsh truth being; i’ve been jumping ship from one to another for so long, i forgot what it’s like to be on the ground. To find solitude within. Well i spent my time alone at most times, but i just can’t remember when’s the last time i feel contempt with my own presence. Not obsessing over stupid guys or devoting my day to romanticize the idea of them. It’s been an endless run on a loop of chasing and i feel like i’m growing tired of it. What about you? how have you been? I promised to take care of myself better from now on, for you. Im currently covered in guilt of many; 1. For not writing Luise back 2. For haven’t contacting daniel about the song we were going to work on 3. Repaying Mas kamil for everything he has done for me 4. For not working on my Proposal and finishing my degree It’s a lot to digest, a lot to do- yet i still couldn’t get my head around if Rico actually have feelings for me or not, when i know full well, nothing’s good comes out of a drinking romance. It’s all a momentary bliss. yeah Im also fully aware that i can’t accept that mentally, but what can i do for my hopeless tin can head? Im writing you this letter in attempt to forgive myself and to get out of this loop. I can’t believe how much i have endure being this tired all the time. Constantly feeding this giant hole in my chest by sleeping around with strangers and spending a month being crazy for the slightest chance of romance that they might just find something to like about me. Pain is so adicting, truly. and If im being honest enough, i must say Pain is also Loveable. It doesn’t only serve a purpose to hurt or to haunt the living, but it also have the ability to become a fuel, a necescarry conflict one must overcome to become a better version of themself. I honestly don’t know what i would be without these pains, and therefore im thankful. But to have it grown in my garden, i don’t think Pain is something to nurture for. Ever since the album release, i’ve been writing songs again. I honestly can’t stop finding things to write about. There’s always something, and now i think im 40% into finishing an EP. Do you think i should also release it this year? or should i let it sit until next year? I have this stupid fear that people might find me overwhelming for releasing songs too often. Man, i can’t even stick to just one genre. Maybe i should finish my degree first? Right now, im about to be on my way to Malino with my familiy. I really could use a vacation or two. Will you tell me all about today?