A letter from May 22, 2023

Dear Papa, Today is the day you left. It's been a solid three years and somehow it feels like yesterday and also a million years ago. I've forgotten what it's like to know that you're only a few states away, just there. ..ready to talk whenever I need. Always ready. Always there. Always there for me. I've gotten better at living without you, which I think you would be ok with. You wouldn't have wanted me to be crippled forever. You would want me to still find joy in small moments that don't include you. But sometimes I still forget. Sometimes I still say "Mimi and Papa" and mid-sentence I have to backtrack and say "Mimi." Sometimes I forget that I can't call you to tell you that something big has happened to our family. Sometimes I forget. And that's ok. I'm still growing. and those little moments are reminders that you did indeed live here on earth with me. That you were one of my people and that you loved me and I loved you. Sometimes I feel so guilty. I wish I would have talked to you more when you were sick. I wish I would have asked you more questions about how to live. One of my biggest regrets is that I never followed my gut and went to a wedding dress store with you when you could still walk and try on wedding dresses for you and take pictures. I should have done that. And then I think of the night before the night. I was on a zoom bible study with people I don't like but because the sickness and sadness in the other room drained me I didn't want to get off zoom. I stalled. WITH PEOPLE I DO NOT LIKE. I did go in your room and I read the Bible to you and I sang to you, but I will always regret that night. It was the calm before the storm. We've never done anything for May 22nd until today. The first year, we had a bridal shower we went to, and that was good. We needed some laughter and joy because of new beginnings. Then, the second year, my graduation ceremony was on your day. And now this year, I decided on the spur of the moment to make brookie bars. They always remind me of you, and I think if you were a dessert you would be a brookie bar! You loved cookies, and you loved brownies. To be fair though, you loved EVERYTHING. Caramel, Toffee, Peanut Butter, Chocolate, all the things. And I loved it. I loved making you desserts and you ate all of them, even though I know sometimes they were gross. But you loved me, so you ate them all. We always had this understanding, that you loved me and I loved you. We were co-conspirators. We could do anything together. And I would do anything to go back to the days of driving with you down the backroads in your white pickup truck with the radio that I broke. I miss it so much. I miss you. Every time I see a deer I think of you. For being an old man, you had such a solid brand lol! And I am so thankful for that. I love that there are things that will ALWAYS make me think of you. You are so special to me. You are one of the best humans I have ever met in my whole life. So all of that to say, I know you are having a party with Jesus right now, but I just wanted to tell you that I miss you so so SO much. One day I'll come see you. I love you Papa. Love forever, Noelani